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peter schickele (comedian) - theme song (pachelbel canon) lyrics

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(a kitschy orchestration of the “pachelbel canon” begins)

(as it continues to play:)

[blondie]
(tense)
hey, jocko? could you turn the monitor down a bit?

[jocko]
you got it

(volume of the piece lowers)

[blondie]
(sighs)
thanks

[professor schickele]
the mikes are off, aren’t they, jocko?

[jocko]
does smokey the bear wear a hat? you worry too much, prof: i always turn them off, right as the music starts

[professor schickele]
hey, no offense

you done with the log?

[jocko]
just about. by the way, i’m not coming in until late tomorrow, so if you wanna make a list of the pieces for the show, we can leave it on annie sue’s desk and she’ll pull them in the morning

[professor schickele]
okey+dokey

(pause)

[blondie]
okay. i’m not handling this

[professor schickele]
what do you mean, blondie?

[blondie]
i mean, i’m not sure

…i’m not sure i’m going to make it

[jocko]
make what, blond, are you alright?

[blondie]
i mean+

…i mean, make it through this piece. this piece wasn’t written by johann pachelbel. it was written by the marquis de sade

[jocko]
hey, blondie, you can make it, it’s less than six minutes long, and we’re alre+

[professor schickele]
maybe you should, uh+

[blondie]
maybe i should jump out the window

[professor schickele]
no, maybe you should step out into the hall. or hey, you could leave and go home!

[blondie]
i’m supposed to do the sign+off

[professor schickele]
one of us can do it

[jocko]
just ’cause it was assigned to you, i mean, it doesn’t really make any difference+

[blondie]
hey! all i need is for grumschtat to have another reason to fire me!

[professor schickele]
so go out into the hall, or downstairs: one of us can come and get you when it’s time!

blondie? how ’bout it?

[jocko]
want some gum?

[blondie]
yeah

(takes gum)

thanks

(pause)

is all of pachelbel’s music published?

[professor schickele]
well, i don’t know if it’s all still in print, but i think it was, you know+

[blondie]
so it wouldn’t do any good to burn the original m+n+scripts?

[professor schickele]
(laughs)
no, blondie, it wouldn’t do any good

[jocko]
even if you could get your hands on them!

[blondie]
i bet i could, if i wanted to

(pause)

[blondie]
(voice wavering)
i…

[jocko]
we didn’t have any psa’s tonight, did we?

[professor schickele]
oops! we were supposed to do one, but i forgot it

[jocko]
no big deal

(pause)

[blondie]
(suddenly screeching)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[professor schickele]
blondie! blondie! take it easy!

grab a hold of her, jocko! let me see if i can get the gum out of her mouth!

blondie, calm down! blondie, you’ve got to stop screaming!

okay, blondie, i hate to do this!!

(puts his hand over her mouth)

[professor schickele]
(as she continues to moan loudly)
all right. that’s better. just take it easy. relax

[jocko]
aw, man!

[professor schickele]
now, blondie… if i take my hand away from your mouth… will you promise not to scream?

okay, here goes+

[blondie]
aaaaaaaaaaaaa+

[professor schickele]
blondie+

(blondie kicks jocko)

[jocko]
ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch, owwwwww+

[professor schickele]
we’re gonna have to tie up her feet!

[jocko]
with what, there’s no rope in here!!

[professor schickele]
unwind that [unknown] tape over there, use that! and then you’d better call the ambulance!

(as a m+ffled blondie continues screaming and growling)

now, blondie, you’re going to have to stop it! if you don’t stop screaming, blondie, i’m gonna turn the monitor up full blast!

(blondie’s cries become more panicked)

all the way up to eleven, blondie! here i am, reaching for the kn+b+

(silence)

okay!

[jocko]
(on the phone in the background)
yes, we need the ambulance out here at the wtwp studios right away+

[professor schickele]
(as jocko continues talking in the background)
now, blondie… we’re going to get you out of here just as fast as we can, and you’ll be able to get some rest… everything’s gonna be just fine

[jocko]
(in the background)
+got trauma or something. well, i guess an overdose of pachelbel! okay, fast as you can, right?

[professor schickele]
she’s fainted. we’ve got to get her downstairs, jocko

[jocko]
let’s wait until the ambulance comes

[professor schickele]
[but] she could start…

hey, jocko, look out the window! who’s that getting out of his car?

[jocko]
never seen him before in my life

[professor schickele]
me neither + but five will get you ten his name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

[jocko]
(nervous)
uh oh, he does not look like a happy camper…

[professor schickele]
we’re gonna have to take her out the window and down the fire escape

[jocko]
somebody has to do the sign+off, prof! if we don’t do that, we’re in deep doo+doo with the fcc, not just grumschtat! look, i can get her down the fire escape myself: why don’t you stay here, lock the studio door+

[professor schickele]
i’m gonna do that right now+

[jocko]
+and then at 11:59:50, do the sign+off

[professor schickele]
but jocko, i don’t know how to turn the station off!

[jocko]
don’t worry about it, it’s automated! look, prof, here’s all you have to do: turn the mikes on, read the sign+off copy + it’s tacked up on the wall there, right next to the “far side” cartoons? and then the transmitter will shut itself off at exactly midnight!

[professor schickele]
well…

(suddenly, someone starts banging on the studio door)

[jocko]
that’s it! blondie and i have to go now!

[professor schickele]
let me get the window!

(jocko starts to climb out with blondie)

[jocko]
you’d better lock it, too, after we’re out!

[professor schickele]
be careful!

wait a minute, here’s her shoes!

(shuts window)

oh, brother!

(at the man pounding on the door, as an ambulance siren starts to get closer to the studio)

jocko is not here! he is not in the building! can you hear me? jock has left the building for the day!

(the pounding stops)

okay!

okay, okay, okay, okay… now, let’s see, turn the mikes on + oh, they’re already on

oh, no, they’re already on

well…

(the recording of “pachelbel’s canon” concludes)

[professor schickele]
(on air)
you are listening to wtwp, 98.6 on your radio dial. this brings to a close our broadcast d+

- peter schickele comedian lyrics

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