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poon patrol - welcome to the silly side...the epic :) lyrics

[intro, 0:00-1:59]
you are listening to poon patrol radio

poon patrol radio
is it good? i don’t know
get ’em high, get ’em low
i don’t know, i don’t know
poon patrol radio
poon patrol radio
i don’t know

have you heard the story of icarus?
the sun k!lled him ’cause he got too high
poon patrol is pretty similar
except we will never die

get ready to bust open that p-ssy!!

(god, f-ck, f-ck, f-cked up this f-cking song again, f-ck!)
this one’s for all the lonely dads out there
you know who you are

[the verse, 2:00-8:42]
name’s hank hill, propaner insaner
out the brainer, been known to snort the cocainer
and my d-ck’s as long as a couple of toothpicks
and my -ssh0l- can only fit two d-cks
maybe three, if i eat some c-sserole
we could cram another into my fat -ssh0l-
i’m startin’ to get burly, i’m a little bit lost
how much did the holla cost?
about six million, and i got a billion
’cause i can do whatever i set my mind to
except blow sh-t up with it, only when i’m not trying to
and all i want in life is a collection of lawn chairs
and some gummy bears
throw in some g-y s-x like american history x
like i’m ed norton, pusha to the t
when i’m [?] some earthquake
or maybe even a vanilla milkshake
let’s hear some seinfeld b-ss and eat some toothpaste
nothing about me is kind
like trying to high-five the blind
like if i was mister seacrest
selling one-hundred-twenty-dollar hip-hop shirts
like i was kanye west
like i’m always losing, like a-ha, honey
and there’s nothing funny about the easter bunny
in the middle of july
pinocchio knows and i just can’t lie

maybe it’s just my heritage
i want to grow up to be as fake as lamar odom’s marriage is
while i stare at his sister-in-laws’ carriages
while i spout out some ray-jays and shoot some aks
’cause it’s the return of the p-double-o-n
we’re as bad as the sin, that’s a joke about the comedian
somebody please stop feeding him
why’s it always sunny in philly? please fill me in, charlie day
but who knew mac was g-y?
but i’m all about pride, and i love kittens
so let’s give him some little kitten mittens
while i’m spittin’ like walt whitman
like i’m on the toilet but i will not spoil it
just watch season five
shoot some heroin and listen to dive
and the sky sure is blue
and if you asked me my favorite day of the week
i’d have to choose two
the two where i eat cheese pizza and chill with my crew
always on the patrol for poon, play that p-ssy like a b-ssoon

and i’ll eat your whole -ssh0l-, you’ll go “holy mackerel”
when i come out lookin’ like a raccoon
except the mask is just your sh-t
and i’ll apologize to your armpit
for foreseeing me sneezing in it, just spray some febreze in it
and when i say i’m sorry know i meant it
and know that your gooch was splendid
that’s the path between your cooch and your b-tt crack
and i know my compliments are wack
and i know my pick-up lines are wack
but you know you like the one man wolf pack
that’s what i call my ball sack
’cause i’ve only got one teste
and if he was g-y he’d slap his two besties
what happened when the cow’s dad touched him?
he got moo-lested, just like your patience is getting tested
this song isn’t even about pizza with cheese
he’s just rapping about the birds and the bees
ladies, be quiet, let me see your knees
and i’ll blow you some kisses
and i won’t stop until r. kelly p-sses me off
like when old ladies say no, guess it just goes to show
i can blow low when i go low ’cause i’m so f-cking good at limbo
why’s the pizza so aggressive, jimbo?
i don’t know, sheen, i just don’t know

what’s your favorite medicine?
’cause there’s nothing better than
me inside of your b-tt socks
i hope you’re a fan of guys with two c-cks
remember when poon patrol was good fun?
do you remember when i stuck my donut stick
between your honey buns?
i want to get on a bike and fly away like i’m e.t
but i can’t go outside ’cause the mailman beats me
why? i don’t know, it beats me, but he’ll never defeat me
’cause i’ve got the spirit of the dragon
even if its b-lls are saggin’
and it’s as old as bob saget and if i had a tail i’d wag it
and i’d fly really really really far away
like some deranged half-boy half-dog f-ggot
and i’d live off the maggots of maggots
hey do you have any matches? yeah, sure
oh no, i’m on fire, i worked for months on these m-m-mustaches
where’s keanu reeves when you need him?
where’re the stars when you see them?
did nemo’s dad really beat him?
leave it up to the lucky fin, like barbie and ken
i’m always askin’ myself, when’s this verse gonna end?
when my wiener’s gonna bend
far enough back to my b-tthole
my what hole? into my motherf-ckin’ b-tthole

shout out, shout out to myself, for that verse
god d-mn! god d-mn! god d-mn! [?]
d-mn, that verse!
such a good verse, man!
thanks

uh, this is recorded right now, in the present
some people say i live in america
i just live in the moment
i’m sorry that– if a lot of those bars were offbeat
i’m only mediocre at rapping sometimes
thank you for listening to poon patrol 2
i hope you enjoyed it
this song, uh, also contains a michael jackson sample
but, uh, you can’t f-ckin’ sue me, you’re dead

[poon pursuit, 8:43-19:51]
-gl-ss breaks-
oh f-ck! he shot the radio! sh-t! stay calm! we need to stay calm if we have hope to elude this dog the bounty hunter-looking motherf-cker. oh sh-t!
where’s the money, sh-t-t-rd?
f-ck, why is he doing this?
you mean you don’t remember?
flashback, boy…
-flashback beginning sound effect-

adam sandler was born with a curious condition. if he doesn’t nut at least once every week, he’ll f-cking die. adam sandler has to learn that sometimes, love can be found in the most unexpected places. do you believe in miracles?

adam sandler lives in nyc, it’s the place to be
he’s got a beautiful wife that he would give his life for
and he’s got a fine–ss dog
adam catches his wife cheating
how will he achieve his weekly skeeting?

every now and then something magical happens
do you believe?
adam sandler loves his dog
and adam sandler hates his wife
and the weekend is comin’ up
and adam wants to keep his life
adam sandler’s living in a house with two b-tches
and he’s gotta make a choice, yeah, he’s gotta make a choice

every now and then something magical happens
do you believe?
adam sandler f-cks a dog
adam sandler f-cks a dog
do you believe in miracles?
coming april 20th, 2069
two thousand and…four-twenty

wow, i’m really enjoying sandler’s performance
i can’t believe we made the best movie ever made
wow. this is great
oh sh-t! we lost the entire movie budget when that dog sued us!
how are we going to pay adam sandler?
don’t worry about it. i got this dog the bounty hunter-looking motherf-cker to pop a cap in that weak–ss adam sandler before he can do anything. his -ss will be cheese in a f-cking cheese grater, we’re gonna f-cking… we got that guy to k!ll him and, uh, he’s pretty much dead at this point so, uh, that way, we won’t have to pay that d-mn–ss jew boy adam sandler a dime
how are we going to pay the bounty hunter?
uh…

-knocking-
where’s the money, p–p-sh-t?
oh sh-t! we’re so f-cked!
oh jeez, we’re really f-cked!
we just can’t believe how f-cked we are!
-knocking-
someone’s knocking on the other door!
it’s me, jerry seinfeld!
i’m here to rescue you guys, so we have to go quickly, come on!
-flashback ending sound effect-

thanks, seinfeld!
i’m gonna pull over, i gotta whiz. you guys must be wondering why i saved you. well you see, i can’t take this sh-t-for-brains pc culture. i can’t take it! you guys are the world’s only chance against it!
ahhh!
-gunshot-
where’s the money, sh-t-t-rd?
oh sh-t, he’s back! he k!lled seinfeld!
-tires screeching-
haha, that was crazy
you wanna light a fat one and turn on the backup radio?
yeah, boy…

hey, man, you’re listening to poon patrol radio
we out here…
hey, man, what’s up, you ever do the shooby-dooby?
no, man, i ain’t into that stuff, man, i don’t do that stuff
man, you gotta do the shooby-dooby. you know, man?
you just gotta, you know
i don’t know, man…i ain’t gonna do the shooby-dooby, man
man…
yo, man…
who you think you talkin’ to or somethin’ man?
i ain’t got that…

are you ready to die, motherf-ckers?
i’m a cyborg, i got robot feet
you wanna get high, got jpegs and weed
jpegs and drinks, jpegs and leaves
and if you want a hard drive you can suck on these nuts
i slap robot b-tts, i f-ck the p-ssy up in the hacker guts
f-cking qwerty keyboards, stick ’em in my usb port
i’m a f-ckin’ cyborg, i’m not a f-ckin’ robot
so yeah, i can still smoke pot
if the economy’s nugs let me chill with some mugs
to smoke drugs and get hugs
because man, life’s just one big f-ck

get the f-ck out of here, robot man
let a real man show you how it’s done
(ahh, don’t do that, oh no)
f-ck you. f-ck you, robot

i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man
i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man
i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man
i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man…
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
all i want to do is dance (yeah, boy…)
take off both my shoes and pants
throw my shirt right out the door
underwear across the floor
i still got socks on, i still got socks on
i still got socks on, i still got socks on
i still got socks on, i still got socks on
i still got socks on, i still got socks on
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m an old man, i am naked, i’m an old man, i am naked
i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man
i’m a naked old man, i’m a naked old man

we are here to mourn the loss of jerry seinfeld. he was funny, i guess. let us have a moment of silence
oh man, i can’t believe jerry seinfeld, adam sandler, and poon patrol died all in the same week
shut the f-ck up, man! i mean, what the f-ck? (i’m sorry) you’re at a f-cking funeral. is is that hard to be quiet for three godd-mn seconds? i just now said “let’s have a moment of silence,” you…you dirty sand rat!
-booing-
oh yeah, whatever, f-ck you! everyone’s thinking it!

what the f-ck, man? you’re telling me you don’t have frosties right now? you don’t have frosties, despite frosties still being on the sign? i want a frosty. i want a frosty, i need one now, give me one! if you do not have a frosty, i will take my business elsewhere, f-ck you! f-ck you!

my name is agent p-b-s. my name is agent p-b-s, i hail from the heart of jamaica. jamaica, man! from my childhood, i remember, i remember the yam fields, for miles, man. but now, my life is in ruins because poon patrol is dead. poon patrol is dead! my whole life i have aspired to bring these men to justice and now they are sailing down the river of yams with the jamaican death lord. and i am here, not with frosty. i am here with my pain, with my sorrows. and i– oh no! f-ck! oh man…

-ringtone-
i am getting a phone call. h-llo? what? what? what?! what?! what are you saying? are you telling me that poon patrol lives?!
poon patrol lives!
ohhhhhh!
oh! oh ho ho!
ohhhhhh!
ohhhhhh!
it is a good day for agent p-b-s

[a rest in india, 19:52-29:58]
h-llo, i would like to buy this radio
all right, man, that’ll be $4.20
oh sh-t, could it be? are you guys poon patrol?
i thought you guys died in america twenty-two years ago
yo, dude, give me a fresh beat, this guy’s got us figured out!
yeah, boy…

i’ve been living in india for twenty-two years
been living in india with twenty-two deers
been out in india working at sears
been out in india making fun of queers
been out in india making lots of friends
been out in india making lots of tens
been out in india meeting lots of hens
been out in india making friends with twins

y’all motherf-ckers thought i died
but i’ve just been living here in india
y’all motherf-ckers thought i died
but i’ve just been living here in india

i’ve been living in india for twenty-two years
been living in india with twenty-two deers
been out in india working at sears
been out in india making fun of queers

y’all motherf-ckers thought i died
but i’ve just been living here in india
y’all motherf-ckers thought i died
but i’ve just been living here in india

hey man, can i just get my radio? i have somewhere to be
f-ck off, man, buy your own d-mn radio! we’re on break
turn on that radio

shouts-out to kush k, money, glenn liar
shouts-out to our lawyer, shouts-out to lil’ shmegma
shouts-out to saucy boy, shouts-out to meme hound
you know i’m gonna shout-out sweet dad
you know i’m gonna shout-out stinky leg
dogberry, a.a. bonzai, h-rn dog mom
you know i’m gonna shout-out mom daddy

look to our left to see our first exhibit
imagine how each and every one of ’em f-ckin’ fidgets
just corny motherf-ckers scopin’ out these b-tches
catch me wrong and become a narrative to the digit
send it quick to the wack mc obituary
diss me on wax and i’ve leave flowers at your cemetery
very scary
like lettin’ you live with ripped-off eyelids
pretty b-tch p-ssin’ on your grave just like i did
rap game gapalagos ’cause of my own eye lint
cracker mcs ’round the block but you can’t find ’em
tell macklemore and g-eazy that, b-tch, i’m right behind ’em
leave a message, tell the blood splatter not to mind ’em
remains of the bodies in the sewer where n0body else can find ’em

i’m hiding in the mall on lsd thinking that i’m gandhi
bustin’ nuts in the bathroom stalls
some chick reminds me of yolandi
’cause she got the bangs and the eyes
when i go bang-bang i’m always in disguise
leave my brand in the game like the backs of cattle
lookin for trouble? you ’bout to get a drastic battle
you on a high horse, but you ain’t got no saddle?
b-tch, i am the sh-t, all you do is f-ckin’ dabble
can’t touch me like you the f-ckin’ pastor
you six feet underground and i’m like the lights at f-ckin’ nasa
up in sp-ce jerking off the plasma
foreshadow my demise, always look me in the eyes
unless you a sucka mothaf-cka tryin’ to get splat
blow twenty-one cap through your f-ckin’ yankees hat
if you really think poon patrol ain’t all that
stay the f-ck back, stay the f-ck back

son! you must defeat poon patrol or the bad man will come and get you! the bad man will come in your sleep and do very bad things! he will touch you! the bad man will touch you!

-sirens-
f-ck! the cops! it’s the cops!
don’t worry, i can handle these guys
do you know why i pulled you over, sir?
uh, what?
you’re under arrest for trying to arrest a f-cking cop
you’re a cop?
yeah
uh, that’s funny, because you guys look a lot like that poon patrol f-cker that hired a hitman to k!ll that adam sandler jew boy, and then escaped to india without a visa
oh man, that is funny, well it’s a good thing i’m just a cop
-gun c-cks-
all right, get in the f-cking car boys
uh, yes sir (all right, dude)
shotgun!
oh sh-t!
-taser zapping-
ahhh! ooh, they got the, the electric…mm, they got the electric fat boys in me. f-ck! f-ck! it doesn’t have to be like this! i just wanted the p-ssenger seat! ohh…
no, get in the f-cking trunk, kids
oh man, i just got slammed into a trunk

it is me again, agent p-b-s. this time, i am in india. i am seeing the elephants walking around. i am seeing the brown folk on their bikes. the plans are in motion. poon patrol will fall to their knees in disgrace. and i will shout out to buddha, and i will say, “it is me, agent p-b-s, defeater of poon patrol!” my mother would be proud, in… in heaven, in the yam fields. i love you, mama! mama! i love you! mama p-b-s!

-ringtone-
oh man, i am getting a phone call. what? what about the test results? what are you saying? you say i’m not jamaican? you say i have d-ck cancer? nooooooo! are you telling me that i do really have that cancer in my b-lls? you say i have less than forty minutes to live? you say that if poon patrol does not die by the end of this sh-tty song, that i will die? no! mama! mama p-b-s! i can do it! poon patrol, hear my cry! you will… f-cking die! it’s gonna be so metal when i f-cking break your bones! when i smash your head in with my jamaican hammer! it is no problem at all, sir. thank you for your call

haha. i may have d-ck cancer, but those poon patrol f-gs will have… dead… cancer, when i, when my plans are done. they, they have a few old friends coming their way, i think
ha! oh ho ho! agent p-b-s will win again!

oh, livin’ in the prison, livin’ in the prison
livin’ in the prison, livin’ in the prison
livin’ in the prison, livin’ in the prison
livin’ in the prison, livin’ in the prison
livin’ in the prison–
hey, what the f-ck is that sound?
what is that sound, man? oh sh-t!
-explosion-
oh sh-t!
it’s me, indie sensation car seat headrest. i’m here to rescue you guys. quickly, get on my private f-cking jet
-jet takeoff-
thank god you guys are safe. welcome to my private jet. i got it using the money i made when i sold the f-ck out!
where are we headed?
we’re headed to my f-cking private launch pad in china
yeah!
haha! we’re gonna party in sp-ce! uh, just us cool dudes. we’re all really cool. it’ll be a while before we get there, though. we’ve got drinks, i think there’s a movie on

oh man, it’s almost midnight. i guess i’d better f-ck that dog
here i go…
-dog yipes-
adam! it’s not what it looks like!
aw, you b-tch! i wanted to f-ck the dog and now you’re f-ckin’ the dog! i’m outta here
adam!
oh man, i guess i, uh, i better get used to dyin’ real quick…
-frog ribbiting-
oh, is this– that’s a frog! uh, i guess the movie’s really called “adam sandler fricks a frog.” haha! that’s pretty funny! that’s pretty…oh man, i gotta, i gotta f-ck this frog, i gotta nut in the frog. here i go!
-ribbiting intensifies-
oh!

this sh-t sucks, famiry
turn on that radio, that motherf-ckin’ radio, fam

[chinese radio, 29:59-43:49]
you are listening to dj ching chong
get ready for some crazy sh-t

two stoned eyes and a positive–ss shirt
sippin’ on that sh-t like a plant in the dirt
two stoned eyes and a positive–ss shirt
sippin’ on that sh-t like a plant in the dirt
two stoned eyes and a positive–ss shirt
sippin’ on that sh-t like a plant in the dirt
two stoned eyes and a positive–ss shirt
sippin’ on that sh-t like a plant in the dirt

still no contest, even if i was half a man
in fact, i sorta feel like it, your majesty
holdin’ these truths to be self-evident
watchin’ the doubtful become irrelevant

life’s so iced-out, feel like a shaman
pockets still sag so i still eat ramen
life’s so iced-out, feel like a shaman
pockets still sag so i still eat ramen

ten tabs of acid when i’m trippin’ in my casket
lime-green vest when i’m creepin’ out the attic
you know who the f-ck it is, that good kush activist
bustin’ out the package, b-tch
wonderin’ where all the loud–ss cabbage is
couple mushroom caps to the dome
in the year 3000, everything is chrome
i’m that nasty man doing f-ckin’ aerobics
f-ck with me and your whole gang gets toasted
3:17 in the f-ckin’ afternoon
add one hour, three minutes, 4:20 b-tch
i’mma smoke that weed, i’mma chase that high
’cause i’m the finest b-tch f-ckin’ alive
you more like a bee, b-tch, stay in your hive
spray you with my official swag repellent
will i slice you open? b-tch, there ain’t no tellin’
might f-ck around, k!ll the f-ckin’ bee
can’t catch my rain when i motherf-ckin’ sleep
your girl keep the umbrella for my f-ckin’ skeet
but there ain’t no clouds when i’m out
never a shortage, never a drought
when i toke that dope in the baggy
beans on the block, pockets get saggy
you know i smoke that good, shawty know i keep that wood
i add weight to the game like cinder blocks
the day i’m out is the day there’s a crack in this rock
step up to the block like, “what’s good, officer, like, no
i ain’t got no f-ckin’ weed up in my socks
i ain’t have any weed up in my socks”

my son, agent p-b-s! before i die, you must do it!
you must k!ll them! you must stab them!
you must defeat poon patrol!

eatin’ p-ssy all day long
i was eatin’ p-ssy when i wrote this song
been running through these hoes like we’re running out of hoes
and i’m suckin’ off my bros like we’re running out of bros
and i’m gonna smoke some weed and hit that blunt
hold up, shawty, let me hit it from the front
and i’m gonna suck that d-ck and hit that sack
hold up, bro, let me hit it from the back
and i’ll kiss your mom on her mouth
and i’ll kiss your dad down south
suck my dad’s d-ck like i didn’t come from it
and i’ll eat his -ss like he doesn’t sh-t from it
oh, man, this beat is oriental
and eatin’ p-ssy is quintessential
all my clothes are hand-me-downs
because i like to keep the jeans in the family
and i only like to f-ck my family
because i like to keep the genes in the family

i’m eating p-ssy like there’s no more time in my life
i’m suckin’ d-ck like there’s no more time in my life
i’m eating p-ssy like there’s no more time in my life
i’m suckin’ d-ck like there’s no more time in my life

cyber p-ssy in my veins
digital d-ckery in my brains
all you gotta say to get into these shorts
is “hey, what’s up,” i throw my nuts up
i f-ck your b-tt up, i f-ck it down
eating p-ssy like a p-ssy-eating clown
and if you don’t -ssociate with these sorts
my d-ck will distort you, like sandler distorts jews
i was born hard, when i go to h-ll, because i am a freak
i’ll probably enjoy it, because i am a freak
of course it’s theoretical
unlike the way i wreck your genitals
sandy hook was a tragedy, it was f-cked up
but shut up, shawty, gotta hit it from the front
gettin’ my nut!

yeah, the beat goes hard, like suckin’ dudes’ d-cks
’cause it ain’t against the law
what? sorry, shawty, i guess i let my tongue f-ckin’ slip
yeah, i mix the crack in my fun dip
yeah, i’ve got a fun clique, all we do is smoke zips
pop zits, and f-ck cl-ts
when i’m getting my nut off
wondering if r. kelly’s b-tt’s soft
while i’m sliding in
wondering when dennis rodman’s gonna come riding in
[?] diving in, or some rimjob poon
yeah, i’ve f-cking slewn all that f-cking poon
yeah, i play f-cking b-ssoon because i’m in a f-cking cocoon
i’m a raccoon eating on some poon
i f-ck your girl b-tt naked with my harpoon, and my b-ssoon

[?]
stop bein’ a d-ck, scott!

konnichiwa, we have arrived in china
just in time, the rocket’s about to launch. come on, boys!
rocket launch in five…four…three…two…

rise if you would…
yo, i step up to the mic, i hit that f-ckin’ weed
is it recording?
yeah
sh-t…

we’ll be entering deep sp-ce in six, nine… haha!
oh, man…

[2069: a sp-cey odyssey, 43:50-51:19]
i’m complacent in my own sp-ceship
told the age-old never to weigh sh-t
on some underpaid arcade chips
calm, collecting karma sauce and in the splatter
vacant crime scene, snuck a shook look
from the neck to the bladder
young hearts ain’t the only ones who shatter
pacin’ sp-ceship on the beat, never wear no asics on my feet
adidas on the street, like peter countin’ sheep
always kept the nine on his blanket
after twelve is when he would get paintin’
white walls on those dark rows
may [?] to get that shark’s gold
warm shoulders get cold
always leapt for the stars, now i think my asteroid’s got mold
like microwave dinner that ain’t get sold
keep ninety-five beehives in my wallet
don’t, dangerous, what i call it?
whose life, and how much it costin’?
new house, codeine out the faucet
no furniture, new chick d-ck curvature
this sick sh-t like it’s bad motherf-cker overture
new whip slips over curves, my hand dips over hers
my feet off the pedal, we flyin’ heavy metal
new vibrato, top model, love module
no stem, told me i got you, laser tag i shot you
daffy duck do-rag when poppy pops you
you’re blowin’ dandelions if you really think i’mma spot you

yo teach, remember me? all the cl-sses i was failing in?
now i’m on a sp-ce beach, tokin’ with the aliens
the nebulous strain, zero g’s on the brain
f-ck the president, my residence in sector pain, quadrant 69
i’ve always wanted to f-ck a star
get my asteroids off while i’m spittin’ sp-ce bars
the wi-fi sucks but the view’s not bad
i’m entering ur-n-s while i dab
in sp-ce there’s nothin’ to hold me down
nothin’ to restrain me from unleashin’ on these clowns
i might have down’s (b-tch, what the f-ck?)
i seriously might have down’s. sp-ce down’s

no license, backseat, flip phone buzzin’
no brakes until the 5-0 f-ckin’ fuzzin’
god’s trek, belongs full of god’s breath, god’s chest
drippin’ judgment, best bet, mullet, suit, bulletproof
vest stain on some stinky -ss breath
roomba rollin’ ’round the graveyard, bumpin’ cyndi lauper
while i’m in qatar, bump her caboose
now i’m feelin loose, alligator
forged full of lies like paperback newspaper
[?] with the friendly saber-tooth liger
get your daughter and hide her
in a cell, only her and a f-ckin’ tiger
ask her about her vices
you’re life’s about as dense as a bowl of f-ckin’ rice is
sp-ce is nice, shiz, nothin’ to do but burn bowls
finally, a location to reflect my soul

ooh! ooooh! having– i’m having fun on this sp-ceship. sp-ce is big. man, it’s big. so anyway, car seat f-cksh-t, why’d you bring us up here in sp-ce on your big sp-ceship?
so i could k!ll you. haha
what?! what?! what?

i’d say my plan is sick
i’ll tell you because you’re ready for this car seat d-ck

when i heard you were alive i was filled with fear
another poon patrol album would end my career
i was looking for some indie clothes in indian sears
when i saw the two cashiers comin’ from the rear
now i knew that if i k!lled you then and there i’d go to jail
but if i took you to out sp-ce then the plan could never fail
aliens don’t have laws (aliens don’t use laws)
now i knew that two dank fellows [?] you guys
wouldn’t cross the border with the [?] in his eyes
so i called the cops on you so that i could pull a bust
the only way for me to seem dank enough to trust
so i could take you out to china and shoot us into sp-ce
somewhere with the privacy to take my place in history
like john wilkes booth with an indian affectation
i’m a crooked god, i’m an internet sensation (sensation)
internet sensation (sensation)
sensation (sensation)
sensation (sensation)
the only internet sensation

uh, get ready to die, motherf-ckers! here i go!
-gunshots-
bam! bam! oh!
oh sh-t! it’s adam sandler!
yeah, i’m that sandler
thanks for saving us, adam sandler! it’s really good to see you!

cut the sh-t man, get the f out of my face
it’s time for bars, time to put you in your place
you think i came to help you make a shifty jew escape
but i came to blow your brains and then shoot you into sp-ce
been twenty-two years since your hitman shot me
the damage was so critical that now i’ve got robot feet
n0body wants to see a movie featuring a freak
i was almost in the street, i was eating rats for weeks
one day i got a call from my manager, p-b-s
told me poon patrol was still kickin’, still smokin’ doobs
i was pleased, even though at the time, i was p-ssing
from a man in the sh-tter to a man with a mission
saw you gettin’ on the rocket so i hid inside the cargo
i had a lot of time, so i popped in fargo
car seat head–ss got no game
he slay pee-pee, b-tch, no way

when your follicles all fall to fossil, leagues beneath the sand
everything you are will disappear beneath my funny hand
i’m a silly man, with a f-cked-up plan, stop me if you can
i’ll fill netflix with movies called the world’s ch-nkest man
by adam sandler, maybe one will even have a star
maybe you’ll be a star too
when i throw you out the airlock and move to the moon
lotsa time to contemplate the time
i took the lives of poon patrol
in my vortex psyche i will seal control
basking in the glory of the k!ll!
car seat f-cksh-t, stupid plan’s unfulfilled
as he died, wishing he could do the things to you that i will
you’ll never be half the meme that i am, b-tch!
you’re along the lines of the kool-aid pitcher dude
or the pink panther. i’m still adam sandler
i’m adam sandler, motherf-ckers!
get ready to die! here i go, haha!
you guys are f-cked! (hey, man, i’m thinkin’ we hit that self-destruct b-tton and get in the escape pod)
i’m about to do it! (yeah, boy!)
yeah! yeah! whoo, whoo… what?! what?! nooo!!
-explosion-

oh sh-t, we k!lled adam sandler. oh man! oh man! oh man! oh man!
what can i say about adam sandler?
he was in movies. he did make jokes
waterboy? little man? big dad, eight crazy nights?
grown ups 2? paul blart, mall cop?
they’re all movies
they’re all movies. f-ck!
he should be called adam sandman!
dude, if i’m being honest, like, f-ck that dude. i’m so glad we got that motherf-cker off of us. like…seriously
adam sandler? that– you’re glad we k!lled him?
yep
dude, i feel the same way
f-ck that guy
f-ck him, dude. he was trying to k!ll us
yeah, we k!lled that guy
we k!lled the funniest, the most unfunny man…
really bad at rapping
not a funny guy. but we murdered him
f-ck adam sandler
yeah, f-ck him
you know, i say, we go out…
[?] a bandana, maybe a scarf…
we go down to the flea circus…
dude, this escape pod is heading straight for the sun
oh f-ck!

[sillycide, 51:20-60:00]
dying doesn’t feel as bad when you’re famous
and you’ve got four cars and your fortune, gold bars, son
counting up the profits on your way to stardom
i’ll probably make it in the guiness
with ratatouille as witness
if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
will the world know how baller i f-cked around?
if you want to be famous like me
but you can’t do sh-t but smoke weed
just k!ll yourself and get on tv (420 blaze it)
or be a g*nius with great genes
pumpin’ out ten ten-out-of-ten mixtapes popped up on lean
do one or the other but i’ve got both covered
postmortem platinum, big shot to the maximum, yes
death is nothing, really, when you’re walking on the silly side
death is a basic b-tch, when you made this based sh-t
and you’re smokin’ that laced sh-t
everyone’s gotta go, i guess i’m just a guest in limbo
sh-ggy and scooby, tryin’ to crack the mystery
of what’s livin’ within this dominican doobie
life is a fad, at least i had an aesthetic
everything is easy when you’ve got an aesthetic
mind games, i’m hooked on ironic brand names
and when i was twelve, i beat through the fire and flames
so i got that going for me
too bad i couldn’t die alone at forty
d-mn, we must be breakin’ the speed limit
sp-ce cops wishin’ we survived to pay the ticket
but dopamine is infinite and dying doesn’t feel that bad
dying doesn’t feel that bad

outer sp-ce ship spray lsd laced mace cl-t, pause, b-tch!
bust a nut, put my d-ck in the peanut b-tt-er, asteroid clutter
wastin’ afternoon, f-ckin’ jacking off to flubber
c-m on my coattail, in a chevy motel
fake plastic trees, and a plain white tee
nothin’ on tv, no reachable signal
f-ck ween, drink more f-ckin’ pepto-bismol
deer skin cape, listenin’ to drake
pretendin’ i listen to drake, b-tch, i don’t listen to drake
who are we? a couple sh-ts who’s playin’ in the kudzu
b-tch, if you are a bubble then i did not mean to bust you
’cause if you’re yelling “f-ck me” and i’m screaming “f-ck you”
if you’re actin’ [?] i might just have to dunk you
sorry, it’s really hard to trust you
how you think i got in this f-ckin’ sp-ceship?
are you even there? think i’m going apesh-t
staring at the wall of this aluminum ball
hallucination, illumination, etch in my eyelid
you didn’t get as f-cked up as i did
headin’ for the sun, ready for the run of this life
the thrill of the scene to absorb with the rainbow beams
i’m more than a meme, i’m not ready to leave
i’m not ready to die

leavin’ behind shawties from bamboo to cancun
goodbye to wisconsin, goodbye to dwayne “the rock” johnson
h-llo to the sun’s magnificent flames
dougied with satan and learned we had the same names
yuh, he told me to tell the few still hatin’
that i been spittin’ bars since lindsay lohan
and the pipe were f-ckin’ datin’
i’m another planet’s favorite star
catch me with some intergalactic sp-ce ghouls
givin’ away permanent vacations to these second-place fools
just saw a mouse on a dirty satellite
f-ck the game b-tt-naked, in the candlelight
you all a bunch of clones like “hoy minoy minoy”
drown you with drones, you stay sleepin’ with the koi
b-tch, what the f-ck? get the f-ck out of my face with that four-dimensional arcade bullsh-t. f-ck you

dude, it sucks that we’re dying. but, you know, at the end of the day, i’m glad that i was one of the three members of poon patrol
yeah (yeah)
oh man, it’s been such a pleasure bein’ part of poon patrol. man, i remember bein’ down back at the chinese liquor store. man, man, i remember that jew boy, adam sandler. it’s been a real pleasure workin’ with poon patrol
thank you, egg boy! you are a very great friend!
haha, ha! what are you guys talkin’ about?
yeah, boy!

time dilation, final breath (sunshine)
ego inflation, ego death (sunshine)
poon patrol in the sky
goodbye

said look at me, now, now, look at you
split myself in half just to split myself in two
don’t know what to do, good sweet death, guess that’s my cue
catch you back in a few, bust a nut in her tooth
right before i leave the earth, eat her -ss, eat the dirt
put on her skirt, then i f-ckin’ skrt
in the last callous, in my metallic palace
closer to the spicy–ss sun
hand on my gun, point it at the sun
let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang
point it at the sun, let it go bang
let it go bang bang, let it go bang
let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang
point it at the sun, let it go bang
let it go bang bang, let it go bang

no exception, death f-cks us all, always answers the call
i’m a good catch, erection past his motherf-ckin’ b-lls
he lifts up his scythe as i lay down the motherf-ckin’ mic
catch you on the flip side, motherf-ckers!
let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang
point it at the sun, let it go bang
let it go bang bang, let it go bang

ahh, ow, ouch! aaah! i’m on fire! ouch! i’m on fire, b-tch! i’m on fire, b-tch! aaaah! it’s hot! b-tch, it’s hot! i’m on fire! that’s spicy! oh sh-t! oh, that’s spicy! aaaah! i’m a man and i’m on fire, b-tch! i’m on fire! ow, the flames!

[?]

once again, the day is saved by agent p-b-s. my doctor does tell me that i only have two minutes to live, but i do not care. i do not care. poon patrol is dead and i can die content and join my mother in the yam fields of jamaican heaven. oh yes, now i can die. here i go. here i go! time to die! time to f…time to die
-ringtone-
oh, what is this? i am getting a phone call
h-llo?
what the f-ck, man?! what the f-ck, man?!

- poon patrol lyrics

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