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pulp musicals - it's a hoax! (reprise) / carry on lyrics

narrator
sir john herschel left his telescope
at the cape of good hope
when people came pestering for just a peek
at pyramids on the moon
and the creatures
roaming round the lunar plains
john said that was insane
someone brought a copy of the sun
john was on a ship
the very next day
half a world away
just so he could say

john
it’s a hoax
one big hoax
a fairy tale attributed to me
but it’s a lie
fake news
this will destroy my credibility
i will not let your
penny paper press
turn my labor
into a fallacious mess
it’s a hoax
one big hoax
and frankly, i’m astonished by your gall
but you will cease
this sham will end
one word from me, and i’ll expose you all
rose
you’re john herschel

john
that’s right, miss…

rose
stratford, rose stratford. it is such an honor

john
yes, now, if you could be so kind as to tell me+

rose
i’ve read every single thing you’ve ever written a hundred times

john
miss stratford, please, who wrote these stories?

rose
your portrait in the edinburgh journal of science makes you look older

john
… what?

rose
i don’t like it. i can’t believe i just said that
john
well, miss stratford
i don’t like my name being linked to a fantasy
i break my back to be taken seriously
do you comprehend how hard
it is to bridge the divide
between scholars and skeptics
even with science on your side?
here’s the thing
if it was bad
if this silly article was nothing but a rag
i wouldn’t even stop to care
i’d throw it in the bin
astrophysics has a certain way
in short, if this was slop
my worries would be gone
the world would see blatant fiction
laugh, then carry on
but it was good
it was exact
it was clearly done by someone with the facts
it was framed in technicalities
with little bits of truth
this author knew their history
a scientific sleuth
maybe in another life
we would have got along
but this slander will not stand
i won’t laugh, then carry on
i should be in another hemisphere
alone with the milky way
free to explore all her majesty
away from the world
but close to my heart
rose, john
to a place with no laws of gravity

rose
‘oh, john. (catching herself) tell me, have you completed your star catalogue?

john
i believe so…

rose, john
the first complete map of the earth’s skies

rose
will that include the nebulae
you +n+lyzed last year?

john
i suppose

rose
or shed light on the double stars
that paint our hemisphere?

john
miss stratford, you are up to date
with all my latest tropes

rose
if only i had your twenty+two foot
refractor telescope
the things that i would do…

john
(laughing) you are really something

rose
have i said too much?
john, i apologize
if my words are trite
but you’ve inspired my brother and i
there’s a little bit of you
in everything we write

john
rose, that is very+ wait, did you say everything you write?

rose
… oh sh+t

john
it was you

rose
wait…

john
you and your brother

rose
i can explain

john
you have brains and sk!ll and access, no
it couldn’t be another
so stop the press, i really hate
to spoil all the fun
but i am not a character
for you or anyone
i’ve worked too hard to be a king
i will not play the p+wn
you’ve had your laugh, ha ha
this cannot carry on

rose (counterpoint)
john herschel
it’s been fourteen days
how did what we published
reach eight thousand miles away
it wasn’t meant to go this far
believe me, when i say
john herschel…

john (counterpoint)
it’s a hoax
one big hoax
and frankly, i’m astonished by your gall
but you will cease
this sham will end
till expose you all
i’ll expose you all

rose
forgive me!

john
hey! (thump)

narrator
rose stratford knocked john herschel out
with a printing press plate
anxiety was setting in
she knew this wasn’t great

benjamin
here it comes
hot off the presses
great astroh my god, rose, what have you done?

rose
benjamin, help me!

benjamin
who is that?

rose
our featured story!

- pulp musicals lyrics

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