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rap critic - rap critic reviews: "what's luv" by fat joe feat. ashanti lyrics

hi, i’m the rap critic! let’s talk about fat joe… technically for the first time, since, “lean back” was by terror squad, even though he just happened to be rapping on about 77% of it. now, i want to correct a little mistake i made in that episode, because i had said that it was big pun who was the leader of the terror squad and that when he died, the head of the group changed over to fat joe, but in actuality, it was fat joe that founded terror squad, and then big pun joined them later. which is weird to me, because, i mean, big pun is, like, mr:

“rub your face off the earth and curse your family children
like amityville drill the nerves in your cavity filling”

i mean, he always came off as the guy in charge, and fat joe, -sample lyric from twins- i mean, he’s not bad, i don’t want you to think that he sucks, but… he’s… when your standing next to:

“a villain without remorse, who’s willing to out your boss
forever and take all the cheddar like child support”

you’re gonna look like second in command, whoever you are. and in addition, it was kinda big pun who became more popular than him in such a short amount of time, with hits like “still not a player” charting around 98, and fat joe not really having a big hit until 2002 with this song “what’s luv”, and guess what? both of them were “thugs need love too”, songs. although like i’ve always said, you can talk about anything as long as you make it interesting, and with pun, he had the -ssh0l- rap personality down pat. you see, the man was so brash and upfront with his delivery, it was kind of endearing:

“bet ya man can’t do it like this
he can’t work the middle, cause his thang too little”

“i don’t wanna be a player no more
(i’m not a player, i just f-ck a lot)”

and that’s what made him likable: the over-the-topness of his lyricism made him enjoyable to listen to, as well as having outstanding rhyming abilities, and in addition, pun was just more fun. i mean, for a guy who looked like this… he knew that he had to do something to compensate for his appearance, and so when making a love… okay, it’s just a s-x song, there’s nothing lovey dove about this:

“i rip my pr-ck through ya hooters
i’m sick, you couldn’t measure my d-ck with six rulers”

but, when making this kind of song, he always came off as a guy who did not take himself too seriously

“litte brown hairs everywhere”

however, with fat joe… well, like i said, he’s not bad, he just came off like he was trying to fit in with the crowd and not stand out at all. i mean, for god’s sake, he had ashanti singing the chorus, who was, at the time, the go to “thugs need love” singer for ja rule’s songs. in fact…

what’s love? (got to do, got to do with it babe) {yeah, yeah, y’all}
what’s love?

is that ja rule on the chorus with ashanti? well, he’s not in the video, but that’s obviously his voice. jeez, fat joe, were you just trying to trick people into thinking this was a ja rule song? i mean, he doesn’t have a verse anywhere in here, so what other purpose was he here for? or maybe, his presence was so ubiquitous around this time, the very essence of ja rule just started spilling into other “thugs need love too” songs

-singing-: what’s love… -ja: got to do… go to do with it, babe-
-look confused- (just … keep singing) wha… what’s love … -ja: it should be about us….-

okay, we’ve wasted enough time, is this song by itself any good? well, let’s start off by actually looking at that chorus

what’s love? (got to do, got to do with it babe) {yeah, yeah, uh}

okay, so this is an obvious homage to the tina turner song “what’s love got to do with it”

it’s physical
only logical
you must try to ignore
that it means more than that

[hook:]
oh what’s love got to do, got to do with it
what’s love but a second hand emotion

and this song is about a woman trying to protect her feelings by devaluing the idea of love as nothing more than a chemical reaction to an arousing stimuli so that she can convince herself that it’s meaningless. it’s about someone who doesn’t want to be hurt again, and it uses the verses to build up to the theme of the chorus. okay… so what’s this song about

what’s love? (got to do, got to do with it babe) {yeah, yeah, uh}

so, they just start the song with “what’s love got to do with it”… with what? what’s love got to do with what? what are you referring to when you say “it”? what, was there something in the intro i missed? what did they say there?

“irv gotti!”

what’s love got to do with irv gotti? the point i’m trying to make is, when you have a phrase like, “what’s love got to do with it?”, you need to have a lyric that it has something to do with first. i know what you’re referring to, but you haven’t told me why you’re referring to it. it just feels like, “hey, you know this song exists, so we’re referencing it!” and that’s not even in rap music, that’s english! a pr-noun like “it”, refers to a noun, something you did not give me! but wait, i’m getting ahead of myself. maybe they explain

what’s love? it should be about us, it should be about trust babe

okay, so now we’re given a little context! she’s saying that love should be about them being together, and it should be about trust. okay, so from that, i can -ssume that the singer and rapper are in a relationship, and things aren’t going so well in that relationship. well, let’s see how the rapper, fat joe responds to what she says

yeah, slow down baby
let you know from the gate i don’t go down lady

-long pause-… well—cut-

girl you get me aroused how you look in my eye
but you talk to much man your ruinin’ my high

…well—cut-

you say you gotta man & your in love

okay, back up a minute! let me try to figure this out. so, the chorus is all about how love is supposed to be about trust and being together. i got that. and then, the first thing you thought to say to jump off from that is…

yeah, slow down baby
let you know from the gate i don’t go down lady

so, this is kinda the conversation i’m picturing here:

girl: hey, babe, i love you, but i just want to make sure that our relationship is based on us trusting eachother
guy: i don’t do oral s-x
girl:… okay, i don’t think that directly relates to what i was talking about…
guy: …you can… “trust” that i’ll never do oral s-x?
girl: this isn’t gonna work out…

and next, you say

girl you get me aroused how you look in my eye
but you talk to much man your ruinin’ my high

which is not exactly the most romantic follow-up to telling a girl you won’t go down on her

you say you gotta man and you’re in love

wha, wait a minute, wait a minute… you’re not her boyfriend? well, who the h-ll are you? wait, are you the person that she’s cheating on her boyfriend with? i guess that gives the chorus better context, because now it’s like she’s saying “i’m cheating on my boyfriend purely because i want to have s-x with you, so what does love have to do with what we’re doing?” my question is, “who said it did?” if you’re obviously only having a one night stand with this guy, and you have a freaking boyfriend back home, i’m pretty sure no one’s under the -ssumption that love has anything to do with this, so why did you bring it up? that’s liking asking “what do cleaning products have to do with fishing”? well, nothing, they’re not even close to the same category, but now that you brought it up, i think that there must be something there. with this song, if you listen to any of the lyrics, it’s obvious that it’s not about being in love, it’s about s-x, but it feels like they threw the word love in there to make people think it’s a love song. you see, this is why i hate these “thugs need love too” songs. there’s always this air of deception. like, “oh we said love a lot in the chorus, but naw, i’m not really trying to get in a relationship”. dude, just say that you want a one night stand. i guarantee you that your groupies are gonna be down for it. you don’t need to lie to them

you say you gotta man and you’re in love
but what’s love gotta do with a little menage

nothing. love has nothing inherently to do with a three way. however, if you wanted to, you could go into how one of you may be confusing love for s-x, or that someone is conflicted about how they feel about the other, but you never do that. both of you seem pretty comfortable with what’s going on. there’s no ambiguity about what’s happening here. there shouldn’t be this many questions floating around

me & you
could just slide for a few
& she could come too
that’s love!

that’s love? but wait, i thought it was clear that there was no love involved with in this situation! why does that change now that this third girl is involved. what, do you love her? i don’t… ah, whatever…

mommy, i know you got issues
you gotta man
but you need to understand
that you got something with you

hold on, is he telling her to go back to her boyfriend? because it sounds like he’s saying, “hey girl, you’ve got a man, but you need to understand that you’ve got something there. you’ve got love, and a caring relationship, even though it’s not perfect. well, that’d be interesting… judging from the rest of the song, though, that’s probably not what he means, but that last line is so vague, i have no idea what he’s talking about. she’s got something with her? what, a meatball sub that she didn’t finish, i mean, he is fat joe, so, okay, that can’t be it, maybe he’s just using a vague phrase to talk about how hot she is?

-ss is fat, frame is little

thought so

tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

…why would you bring that up? do you, like, get a kick out of knowing the name of the person she’s cheating on?

i’m not a hater i just crush a lot

oh okay, he’s not being malicious, like, he doesn’t hate the guy who this girl is cheating on, he just really likes s-x. although, i think it’s funny that he uses the edited version of the phrase from the big pun song “still not a playa”, because in both cases, i’m pretty sure the edit was intended to mean that he gets easily smitten with a lot of chicks, and you know, develops a crush on them. however, when i first heard the edited version, well, i’ll just say that the verb “crushing” doesn’t exactly lend itself to a positive image when describing the s-xual exploits of overweight men. i hope the women were always on top, is what i’m trying to say

not my fault cause they love the kid
maybe the chain or the whip
i don’t know what it is

you. you don’t know what it is? you just, can’t figure out why women would possibly be attracted to a popular rapper who brags about popping bottles and driving fancy cars, and your deductive reasoning led you to believe these women were purely attracted to your necklace? well, gee, fat joe, i hate to burst your bubble, but these girls were only attracted to your winning personality. women just can’t get enough of the fact that you tell them they talk too much, and they swoon and sigh over your complete refusal to reciprocate oral s-x

you came here with the heart to cheat
so you need to sing the song with me

yep, you already made the choice to ruin the trust in your relationship. don’t be shy now just because he made a song about it

when i look in your eyes there’s no stoppin’ me
i want the don joey crack on top of me

she wants that don joey crack on top of her? like, fat joe’s b-tt? i… i didn’t know you were into that, ashanti. no wait, i’m sorry, apparently, one of fat joe’s aliases is joey crack, which i’m guessing was his drug dealing name. wait, no, no, that doesn’t make any sense, since drug dealers usually use code names that don’t directly allude to drugs. no respectable drug kingpin would name himself, “mikey the illegal drug dealer”. it kinda ruins the point of having a code name. so, no, i’m not convinced: this line is totally about fat joe sitting on ashanti

don’t want your stacks (yeah)
just break my back

you know, i don’t think her light, airy singing voice is matching the topic she’s talking about. like, she’s singing as if she’s talking about something innocent, like “i don’t want your cash, just hold my hand!” when she’s actually singing something along the lines of, “i don’t want any money, just rupture my spinal cord”. but hey, maybe she’s into that sort of thing. maybe she just really likes having her body squashed by obese men. i mean, really, listen to this again, and imagine a fat guy across the room about to bellyflop ashanti

“come on… and put it oooon me…. on me…”
-imitating ashanti’s portly lover-: “i’mma put it on ya, girl!”

okay, that’s enough of that. overall, i’d give this song a 2.5 out of 5. the beat’s fun, and admittedly, the chorus is enjoyable enough to sing along to, but it all falls apart as soon as you start to look into the construction of the lyrics. fat joe, while not terrible, seems to just lack the energy and personality it takes to make this type of song forgivable, so i’m just left with yet another bland character who has s-x with someone else’s girlfriend, and when you don’t do or say anything to liven it up, fellas, it gets kinda old. well, i’m the rap critic, i -n-lyze the lyrics, because no one else does -comes towards the camera-

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