robyn hitchcock and the egyptians - the can opener lyrics
the can opener!
now, it’s of a jolly can opener, as i sure tell a tale
it roved about the seven seas in dismal squalls and gails
it sawed up chinese wellwomen with cutl-ss and ‘arpoons
it opened fleshy submarines and dug in them with spoons
it opened up a merchant man all bound for far cathay
but it was full of tins of meat; how many, none could say
“oh wendy dear, avoid those pr-ngs, that vicious twirling ratchet
that grinds through fair containers all, or else you’re bound to catch it!”
now, wendy brought asparagus, and lawnmowers, and felt
to force that ruddy can opener to grind so hard, it’d melt!
the can opener got wind of this great plot to blunt its t–th
and sailed away quite quickly to a hiding place, near leith
the scottish coast had always held a fond place in its heart
and now there was a chance to be together, not apart
the can opener, festooned with flags, arrived one friday night
to a welcome from a flock of sheep; it made a cheerful sight
but not so cheerful was the sight behind the frothy sheep
of wendy by the savage rocks, around them she did peep
“i subst-tuted felt for gr-ss, asparagus for hedges
and now i’ve got the lawnmower from good old uncle reg’s!”
but this did not impress the flock, who normally ate pork
in cheery little sauteed lumps upon a silver fork
the can opener moored in a creek and sharpened up its gasher
the lawnmower come whirring down, and that could not ‘ave been rasher
because:
a deadly whirl of scything blades ensued before the gaze
of wendy, and the burly sheep, which lasted several days
the end came swiftly when it did–the blow came from on high
the lawnmower had gone up to that greenhouse in the sky
so wendy went to manchester to buy a balaclava
but suddenly became engulfed in floods of molten lava
the can opener still roves the gulch, with severing claws akimbo
and rips throug sheets of yielding tin–and wendy is in limbo!
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