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ron white - pedicure lyrics

folks, i believe in my heart that the department of homeland security’s color-coated heightened-state-of-awareness system might be the most useless thing ever shoved down
the the throats of the american people. in all my travels i’ve yet to meet one person who knows what to do
different if the heightened-state-of-awareness is yellow or orange or orange or yellow. nothin’ ever happens
anyway. i haven’t met person that knows that there are five. heightened-states-of-awareness in this country. did
you know that sir? f-ck no you didn’t. -chuckles- i don’t know. blue, green, yellow, orange and red. apparently
when the heightened-state-of-awareness is blue, you don’t even need sunscreen. you can just walk outside naked
-in scotsman’s voice” you can’t even burn my c-ck! i’m not sure why the scottish guy said that haha. -in
scotsman’s voice” you can’t even burn my c-ck. the biggest problem i have with the
heightened-state-of-awareness system in this country is that it makes no sense, the second biggest problem i
have with it is that it scares my mother…thanks. the last time the heightened-state-of-awareness switched
from yellow to orange my mother called me, and my mother is very…um…rural. as am i. and mother called me
and she goes, “the heightened-state-of-awareness just switched to orange.” and i said, “i know mother, i was
watching television.” she goes,”i don’t know what to do.” i said, “mother, no one knows what to do, they didn’t
even print a flier with this program. but sense we were attacked on 9/11 we’ve all been in a
heightened-states-of-awareness.” she goes, “i don’t know what that means.” i said, “m-m…well mom, if the
person infront of you has 7 h’s in there name and a basket of f-cking cobras…check there shoes for fuses.” and
that’s not racism, that’s profilin’. and ya have to do some profilin, you can’t frisk 10 grandmothers just to
pretend that guy doesn’t look susupicious. bullsh-t. go frisk his -ss and when he gets all p-ssed of go ‘sorry’. and
if he’s still p-ssed off after that go “hey you wore the f-ckin turbin to the airport buddy.” buy a john deer cap for
travel days. f-ck i don’t know. buy a john deer turbin do they make em? i’m sorry, we’re a little edgy. if i were in charge of the department of homeland security we’d have a heightened-states-of-awareness system in this country that’s for sure, but we’d have one that made sense and one that the fine citizins of this country understood. and we would have two heightened-states-of-awareness; go find a helmet. put on the f-cking helmet. that way i know what to say to my mother when she calls “i don’t know what to do, it’s put on a f-cking helmet day!” put on a f-cking helmet. -imitates mother putting on helmet- that strap goes under your chin mother. -imates mom moving like robot- when mother has her helmet on she forgets her neck works. “just turn your head mom,” -imates mom moving like robot- “…you’re gettin’ it.”

- ron white lyrics

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