rooster teeth productions - red vs blue the musical lyrics
simmons:
hey?
grif:
yeah?
simmons:
you ever wonder why we’re here?
grif:
it’s one of life’s mysteries, why are we standing here? is there a plan? is there a god?
simmons (spoken):
what? no, i mean, why are we out here, singing?
sarge:
to k!ll them dirty blues! jazz hands!
(the reds speak to each other for a while, then sarge shows them a shipment of rocket launchers from command, and they get into an argument about what to name it.)
sarge:
see these letters on the side here? they make s-p-n-k-r stand for sayonara, see you later, au revoir. see, the blues they’ve had it comin’, with their fancy ghosts and tanks, but with this gun, out battles won, cause it don’t just k!ll, it spanks!
grif:
sarge, that name sounds really stupid
sarge:
what?
simmons:
yeah, it’s really not that great
sarge:
simmons!
donut:
oh, come on, i kind of like that one
sarge:
this is not up for debate!
simmons:
well if we put our heads together, we can find the perfect name!
donut:
oh, can i go first? my head’s fit to burst!
grif:
oh god, this is so lame
sarge:
it’s an rpg, a master key, and projectile wrecking ball, a big surprise, a little friend, old betsy and the law. this lazy boy is my favourite toy, and i’ll tell you, fellas, why! you lock, you load, it shoots, explodes, and you blow them blues sky high!
grif:
uh, no, those all suck
sarge:
well, what would you suggest, grif?
grif:
something cool, like the equalizer
simmons:
the equalizer?
grif:
what, you got any better ideas?
donut:
i do!
sarge, grif and simmons:
no one cares!
simmons:
now, based on the range of impact, i’d call it simmons-blaster!
grif:
why not blue-be-gone, or air torpedo?
donut:
or why not -ss disaster?
simmons:
those names are total garbage!
grif:
oh right, as if you’d know
simmons:
how bout at4, or gjallarh-rn?
lopez:
te odio, pendajos
sarge, simmons, grif and donut:
it’s a bfg, blue’s destiny, heat-seeking dead man’s bomb. where death begins, and their life ends, it’s a handheld breath of god. call her what you will, we got her set to k!ll, time to paint this canyon red!
simmons:
cause this-
sarge:
nuke tube!
donut:
jack hammer!
grif:
compensator?
sarge, simmons, grif and donut:
gut slammer?
simmons:
pez dispensor!
donut:
boom stick!
sarge:
chupa-thingy!
simmons:
huge pr-ck!
sarge, simmons, grif and donut:
iron churro whatsa buka, heavy metal big bazooka!
sarge:
means the no good blues are dead, ha!
(cut to the blues, who just saw the reds singing about k!lling them, and their leader, church, lets out a depressed sigh, then lapses into song as dramatic music begins)
church:
another day i’m stuck here. another day goes by. another day i ask myself, “why do i even try?”. these sh-theads all around me, they poke and prod and pry. sometimes i wish that i’d just… die
tucker:
oh, come on church, your life’s not that bad!
caboose:
yeah! plus, you already died once!
church:
and who’s fault was that, caboose?
caboose:
tucker did it!
tucker:
sheila did it!
sheila:
i would rather not get involved in this
church:
all of you, shut up! you want to know what my life’s like? i’ll tell you. my nine to five is filled with misery. my girlfriend’s always such a b-tch to me. i think my death count’s pushing three. i just don’t get how this is hard to see. and as i lie awake at night, i just want to die!
tucker:
oh, please. you’re overly dramatic
doc:
you’re clearly asymptomatic
sheila:
your life is hardly that traumatic
caboose:
but your girlfriend is half-aquatic
church:
y’know, i think i’ve changed my mind. i wish you’d all die!
(everyone begins to complain at the same time as church yells for them all to shut up.)
church:
living here’s not going well! this canyon’s my detention cell! i feel the need to scream and yell! i wish that you’d all rot in h-ll! f-ck all of you, f-ck every last one, and f-ck this f-cking song!
(the singing stops and the rest of the episode is normal dialogue.)
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