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rucka rucka ali - master of dungeons lyrics

d & d time

in a little village on planet oerth
central world of greyhawk sp+ce with two moons
luna aka raenei & celene
also know as kule
there was a bard and he was like “i’m a f+cking bard, bard, bard
i just wanna sit here at the bar, bar, bar
i don’t want a problem
i’m just a bard
but i’m not afraid if anyone wanna spar.”

then this other guy who was a fighter was like
“yo. i’m a fighter. let’s fight, fight, fight”
and the f+cking bard was like
“wanna fight? alright. roll the fight dice. it’s time to die, to die.”

and he rolled a 20+sided dice and got a 9
that was also a 6 that was a 8 with a added 2 plus 5
which enabled him to strike the fighter’s thigh
then the fighter rolled a 7+sided dice
and it landed on 7, 2 and 9
so then he hit the bard back and punched his head
the bard said, “not bad. no. not too bad, but i have plus 25.”

aw, sh+t
then he rolled the f+cking dice and got a good+ass number
and he kicked the fighter’s ass real good
and the bard went to the bar and sat alone there
he had fought with honor that day

in my parents’ bas+m+nt
dungeoning away
i’m grognard oldf+g
curmudgeon
drinking cr+ppy beer
pizza’s almost here
with my boys and maybe one b+tch
playing “d&d”
none of it’s funny
sanctuary druid
conjuring you

no arcane powers
we play by handbook
hold harkaum answers
i’m dungeon master, master

master of dungeons
i’m ruling the djinns
k!lling the dragons
planting the beans
mages all serve me
god of the kings
just call on me for magical things
master, master
just wanna play some d+mn “d&d”
master, master
then a dwarf walked over to a gnome and said, “let’s go
i don’t like to battle but i just don’t like you though.”
and he rolled a 7+sided dice that landed on 4 which was a 9
after he added another 5

needled+ck and g+y
that’s what jock kids say
inside the game though i am real cool
playing “monopoly”
is cool when you’re 3
but i found a better vehicle

playing “d&d”
war is never peace
better pray for doom
when i spin d2

no joking laughter
i slay dwarf b+st+rds
and necromancer
i’m dungeon master, master

then a human rolled a 3 that was a 7 and he added 2 and that destroyed the dwarf and the gnome and for all it proved that humans are master race
not just one+color human but that humans are greatest of all
then he saw a dragonborn
big+ass f+cking dragonborn
he was stronger than anyone that the human ever saw
he said, “hey, dude. you wanna go?”
human said, “i really don’t.”
but he rolled a 20+sided dice that landed on a 1
it sucked but he added a 4 that he had which wasn’t nearly enough
he took a hit to the dome
“f+ck my life,” he thought
death is coming close
“this must be my fate,” he thought, “for being kind+of a schmuck
god and all the gods are always keeping track of everything i’ve done
that’s why god made me land on a 1.”

then the bard from back at the start of the story saw the human was in trouble and rolled a 104 and said
“hey, human. although i do not know you, i’ve always loved humans because when i was a boy, a human woman with some big+ass titties let me finger+blast her. oh, yeah!”

then the bard stepped into the ringer
dragonborn said
“lemme see your finger
is that what you used to blast that one woman?
because she was me
i still love you.”

master, master
prince of daemons
demogorgon has burned baldur
lord of demonkind
master, master
how do we solve the encounter?
blaster, blast her
roll that fancy dice

it’s called a “die”
it’s g+y

then a wizard saw the bard who was in shock
because the dragonborn had told him he was actually the girl he fingered and he put a spell on both of them by rolling a 4 plus 1 that with the added 44 turned the bard into the dragonborn
so, he could at once know the experience of being trans and would not judge for morphing into a girl and then getting fingered by the bot
’cause the dragonborn is actually the dragonzord

then the dragon rolled himself a 7 and saw the bard was currently stuck in a state of involuntary compassion ’cause of the spell that the wizard put on him but the dragonborn slash zord considered all the options that were in front of him and he knew that it’s time to strike
and so he rolled a 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and f+cking 6 and added 7, 9 and 8 and 1
and then he kicked the f+cking bard’s ass to another dimension
and he thought his f+cking problems were all done
but then a f+cking sword flew into right into between his f+cking tits
because the f+cking story wasn’t done

“remember me?” said the human
this sucked for the dragonborn but at least he got to die f+cking the bard up
but as he closed his f+cking eyes to die, the bard came back and kicked him in the nuts

christians report that
dungeons dragons bad
causes crime and less of jesus
but i’d rather play
this all night and day
than go out and wet my p+n+s
i don’t know ’bout you, guys
i had a good time
playing with you, dudes
now i want some food

go call postmasters
or bake some faster
your mom cooks. ask her
“mom, make some snack curds.”

master, master

master of dungeons
i’m ruling the djinns
k!lling the dragons
planting the beans
mages all serve me
god of the kings
you call me “g+y” but that’s good with me
master, master
you call me “strange” but watch “stranger things”
master, master

and it was on that very day dragonborn was defeated at last leaving behind many eggs throughout planting oerth unbeknownst to the human or the now s+xually confused bard blissfully ignorant of the dragon baby soon to hatch and get revenge on the godd+mn f+cking transdragon fingerblasting bard

good game
next time we
oh, wait a minute

- rucka rucka ali lyrics

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