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ryan tellez - the x-men movie timeline - recap rap lyrics

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1945 where a tiny young canuck
sharp bones in his knux stabs his daddy in the guts
starts fighting in the civil war and rages on
with his brother who’s a nightmare at nail salons

while they’re on the frontlines of world war 2
a young charles has his first encounter with blewbs
young erik, holocaust, so much trauma and blood
they take a dip together and become best buds

’62, find recruits, tight new yellow suits
workin’ with the government to find and take out footloose
cuban missile crisis, erik paralyzes
charles in a chair, erik re-accessorizes

vietnam war, logan’s weapon x upgrade
claws in his knux get a cgi “update”
free all the mutants, sh-tty deadpool fight
three mile isle, logan’s memory wiped

(all right, that was the first segment of the timeline
got the first hundred years done
now we’re gonna push ahead to the movie that started it all
with the)

early ’00s, find recruits, tight new leather suits
school for the gifted v the brotherhood crew
duke it out with powers way beyond comprehension
but no one is stronger than the s-xual tension

colonel stryker has a problem with his son
the x-men and brotherhood get along for once
nightcrawler, iceman, regardless what the plot is
clearly it’s -n-logous for coming out the closet

last stand, jean loses her sh-t
golden gate bridge, “i’m the juggernaut, b-tch!”
everybody dies or is stripped of their abilities
botched phoenix saga and that’s it for the trilogy

7 year slater, logan can’t seem to let it go
relocates to tokyo, bones a chick called mariko
partners up with yukio, fight the silver samurai
goes to sing in france (ah, no wait, that’s another guy)

(all right, now we’re in the present
hold on to your leathre b-tts
’cause this is where the timeline gets crazy
here we go!)

now we skip ahead to where it all gets twisted
the future is dystopian, yet pre-apocalyptic
the only hope is juno sending logan to the past
to prevent the homicide of tyrion trask

logan b-tt, junkie chick, prosthetic nixon face
70’s suck til dat slow mo prison break
battle with the sentinels, j-law don’t go through with it
everything’s erased thanks timey wimey bull sh-t

take it back to the new ’83
apocalypse awakens and watches tv
nightcrawler, psylocke, barely seen it all
then sansa goes phoenix and charles goes bald

welp, there you have it from beginning to end
charles and erik still remain best friends
out of all these stories’ messages, remember just one
call quicksilver if you want sh-t done

- ryan tellez lyrics

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