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rhett link – epic rap battle lyrics

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[link:] first off i wanna tell ya i enjoyed the pizza
well it really wasn’t great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
i’d like your number
but i’m not gonna leave a big tip to get it

[rhett:] that means he’s cheap and pathetic and if ya date him you’ll regret it
23 percent from me communicates
i’m generous, not desperate, and i can calculate

[link:] is she supposed to be impressed?
[rhett:] well if you want a battle be my guest

[link:] i’m a computer programmer and a cubical dweller
i disabled spell check cuz i’m a stellar speller
when i write an email that includes an attachment
i never hit “send” before i’ve attached it

[rhett:] your job is a bore
i keep it hard core
sellin’ knives and insurance from door to door
you’re reflectin’ on a water cooler conversation
i’m givin’ an incredible knife demonstration

[rhett:] may i interest you in some accidental death coverage?
or a hard boiled egg slicer?
[link:] i can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
[rhett:] egg slicer

[link:] i car pool
cuz i’m environmentally sensitive
i pack a snorkel cuz i’m clever and so invent-tive
[rhett:] it’s inventive, invent-tive isn’t a word
[link:] yeah i just invent-ted it, you just got served

[rhett:] well when i car pool, i take a group of third graders
on my way to work i teach ’em multiplication tables
see i’m a role model, an example to the youth
[link:] then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?

[link:] at the gym people line up just to give me a spot
all eyes on me when i’m poppin’ a squat
my career plan b is to teach p.e
the model on the machine is based on me

[rhett:] i’ve mastered the art of mental manipulation
workin’ every muscle group through meditation
this is me workin’ out my triceps
pick up my dvd called “mind reps.”

[link:] my sense of style, is sweet like syrup
it’s not uncommon for people to think i’m from europe
[rhett:] i don’t follow the trends, i’m a style pioneer
see this turtleneck, with a necklace? you’ll be wearing this next year

[rhett:] is that all you got?
[link:] no

[link:] i see b-ttons, i just push ’em to see what they do
if something were to go wrong i’d just blame it on you

[rhett:] i’m quick-witted, i always know just what to say
[link:] then say something clever
[rhett:] uh, ok

[link:] i was offered a record deal while singin’ at a karaoke bar
but i turned it down and became the president’s karaoke czar
[rhett:] i rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
and donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet

[link:] i gave the heimlich to a horse chokin’ on beef jerky
two hours later he won the kentucky derby

[rhett:] i’m allergic to nothin’
[link:] i’m allergic to weakness
[rhett:] i embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses

[link:] i can drive a stick shift
[rhett:] well i can golf
[link:] well i can make it look like my thumb is comin’ off

[rhett:] i invented the half nelson
[link:] i invented the full nelson!
[rhett:] i’ve got a signed picture of boris yeltsin

[link:] my uncle is a lawyer!
[rhett:] i roll my own sushi!
[link:] i use the metric system exclusively!

[rhett:] i know morse code!
[link:] well i can speak it:
bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop

[rhett:] you just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
[link:] exactly

- rhett link lyrics

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