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saarangutan - next steps part v lyrics

[verse]
i swear it’s never been this hard before
think it’s cause i never wanted to try more
needed to say this, i’ve grown used to giving up
tripping up, i’m with you but i’m kissing her
it’s hard when your role models told you to live it up
before it’s too late or if you become too great
don’t wanna keep up the same lies and lose face
they coming after you if you blow up, no hussein
we one in the same but to make it different
never thought we’d clink gl-sses then you’d change my vision
ain’t seen you in a while, i know it’s been a minute
but a minute together makes it all feel like the first instant
is it the past or our future that we’re missing?
expectations that kept our interest now feel distant
there’s been times we really just haven’t been in it
but sometimes it’s so innocent, i’ve never felt so infinite
a love without synonym, unconstructed by synthesis
it’s so organic, that’s how we manage
we hug in the parking lot just to leave
i ask about progress but there’s nothing to achieve
it’s a new journey every time i go there and back
writing paragraphs hoping they come together
to something before mom and dad’s questions come up for discussion
ah it got me in a parent trap
letters i’m not prepared to stamp for whenever they’re needed
hope when i look back, i can give em meaning
yeah, when i am where i’m supposed to be
don’t know where it is, wondering if you’ll be close to me
i never thought i’d need a goal for love
til i catch that sh-t, of course i’m using a glove
when it’s duck hunt, i get surprised that a dove flew through
we fight a lot more than i’m used to
but being in a relationship isn’t what i’m used to
pointing out my flaws, yeah i know they’re too true
never avoided my errors, i try to learn from it
they want to put it in a verse to see what i can earn from it
or, maybe i could teach through it
reflect on life’s paths and what it means to be foolish
i’m making scenes out of action, great at distractions
reduced to being on top of each other, simplify the fraction
been told the weight of my words too dense for the m-sses
keep it balanced on an axis
never exist as an actor or actress
looking flashy for the flashes, faceted by high fashion
not one for the masking
tryna turn into my own doppelgangsta
reading my stanzas and getting anxious
been keeping it realer than the movies
stay being choosy, taking it deeper than a groupie
tryna separate the music from the hype
i don’t have a type, i like what i like
especially when success is hard earned
hard learned lessons don’t have to come from harvard
or cornell to take you farther
when them bars turn your whole state of mind
disappearing lines you used to stay behind, make the lies
and feelings come back up, call it heartburn
those apart yearn to reinvigorate lost feelings
feel like i was caught dealing
this dope, this hope been a crutch i lean on
i dream on, too concerned with what could be or coulda been
being pushy to pushing whips
look at this
my goodness it’s
like pulling strings on a puppet
f-ck it
a rookie looking for cushioning
my foot is in the door
still want more, but it’s looking grim
i’m blacking out, in them bars to get gone
cashing out, losing interest in being alone
yeah, i never had anyone to follow
tryna shoot the moon on the first mission of apollo
parents under culture shock, no move for the guidance
lost touch, used to have midas
attached to devices, talk myself into circles
maybe the end justifies what i mean and causes the reversal
limited minutes redefines being mortal
hanging on your last words, audio as a portal
swallow my pride enough to go to counseling
maybe cause i used to think that i found someone
found out love isn’t something to be figured out
live in the moment, i mean we’re just children now
getting together, breaking up, with lines of symmetry
strangers back to strangers with a new chapter in history
on different pages, think it’s all been repeated
all’s fair in love and war til you’re defeated
yeah, bite your tongue as you swallow truth
go the psychopath less taken if i followed you
got machetes for safaris, threw meteors at barney
growing up quick but the rhythm coming in tardy
yeah, easy does it hardly
switched up my vocabulary to include the word sorry
nostalgic for memories that you didn’t have yet
we used to say when we, but the future wasn’t lasting

[poem]
next steps
next steps
next steps
here i am
in the middle of baltimore on a summer day
sweat drips down my back
i’m plastered head to toe in business casual clothes
enough to impress my supes
but just below the line of trying too hard in front of my dudes
when this summer started
i thought i’d be just another lonely boy looking for a place in the vast city
some type of allegory for looking to belong
i figured me and a few other interns would explore
drink a lot and wonder if this was really worth it
the long hours, the stipend pay
not knowing where we’re going but knowing we should figure it out
i mean that’s what i used to say
i’ve accepted that this summer is just a break from real life
as i stand in this parking garage
eyes squinting from the bright early evening sun coming through
i think about you
nothing’s real about us yet
but by the end of tonight it would be
or i guess to keep it in the proper tense, by the end of tonight it could be
we kissed last week
i think i remember it all
you pushing me up against a wall
i asked you if you wanted to stay
you said that’s nice
but i think i’ll go to my friend’s to spend the night
that’s only my version of what happened right?
cause you say my eyes were begging
staring at a moment i could forever end up regretting
we hugged as if we were closing a chapter
but your lips fixed on me
and took me out of the self-perpetuated misery
and i started writing a whole book
the whole night i stayed up thinking about that look
you might not know it yourself
but it’s the one you give someone when you’re about to change their entire outlook
i’m talking derek zoolander blue steel
the one that makes walls crumble and hearts steal away
trying to hide behind the rubble
fearing the power
prior to that moment i was a coward
i would’ve cowered and said this wasn’t the place or time
and it wasn’t the place or time, but that wasn’t my concern then
i put the token in the machine as you go to get the car
a blue light flashes and then a message on the screen pops up
4 dollars
“what?
4 dollars to park
are you kidding?”
maybe it’s cause i’m from a place where it doesn’t really cost anything to…to just leave your car somewhere
i mean, how can they charge you to just be?
not do anything, but just be?
whatever, this is off topic, maybe
i reach in my pocket
pull out a five
and get a dollar back in change
so focused on the small moments
probably because everything could become real as soon as i get in our car
we’re going on our first date tomorrow
but you live 45 minutes away and i don’t have car
so you sorta decided that i’d just sleepover
and then we could go on our first date
and i guess for the people listening who don’t really know me
even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, i’m content with life at this point
i’m afraid to reach new heights
and even more afraid to grow used to them
i’m trying to figure it all out
what to say, how to act, who i am
all of a sudden, i’m getting in the car
hoping we don’t get in a traffic jam
cause it’s already pretty far
and i don’t want to spend any more time not knowing where i’m going than i have to
a few months p-ss
to give you a summary, we found something special
i felt trusted
and entirely in love with
her
it was new
it was just me and you
i finally felt fulfilled by making something for myself
that couldn’t really be reproduced by anyone else
but this is the real world
one where love doesn’t exist
i don’t mean that i came out of this thinking love isn’t real
but that it’s rooted in reality
there are things between us
good things that keep us together
and bad things that will always stand between us
including, now, how we’re three hundred miles apart
and the back of my mind regrets the start
but i can’t front, you made me realize i deserve someone who comforts me in a dark place, gives me sp-ce when i need it
the girl whose smile is worth believing
and even though she’s reading into everything you say
it’s how she cares in her own way
there’s no happy ending for you, the listener, to get from this
we aren’t together and unless life takes the entire world for a spin
we never will be
but that’s okay
because finally i’ve accepted life isn’t a force i can move
it’s not myself that i doubt
it’s just that i know that not everything’s meant to be answered now
i still don’t know where i’m going, but i know i don’t need to figure it out

- saarangutan lyrics

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