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saturday night live - bodega bathroom lyrics

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(spoken intro)
[charlie’s friend]
yo, just the skittles, and do you have a bottle of water?

[bodega man]
uh, sure. you want it super hot or solid block of ice?

[charlie’s friend]
never mind

[charlie]
hey, do you have a bathroom?

[bodega man]
a what?

[charlie]
a bathroom. you know, a bathroom i can use?

[charlie’s friend]
dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in a bodega?

[charlie]
i mean, what? who cares? it’s an emergency

[bodega man]
would you like the key to the bathroom?

[charlie’s friend]
yo, charlie, if you do this, i don’t think we can be friends anymore, man

[charlie]
dude, relax! it’s just a bathroom. i’m sure it’s fine

[bodega man]
and so it shall be. oh, bodega cat, show this man to the bathroom

[bodega cat]
make a wish! hold your breath!

(song)
come with me
and you’ll be
in a world of zero sanitation
close your eyes
and avoid inhalation

[c-ckroaches]
if you want a few parasites
take a look around and view them
all the sticky stuff is fluid
want to know for sure? put a blacklight to it

(spoken)
[charlie]
oh my god!

[bodega cat]
that’s right, you’re the first person to use this bathroom that’s not a dog giving birth

[charlie’s friend]
what kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?

[bodega man]
i did!

(song)
who can sell you condoms
and arizona iced tea
a loose cigarette and plantain chips?

[bodega man, bodega cats, and c-ckroaches]
the bodega man can!
oh, the bodega man can!

[bodega man]
the bodega man can, ’cause he mixes lots of pills
and calls them tiger s-x pills

[bodega cat]
who can make a rainbow
out of cans of goya beans?

[c-ckroach 2]
the oreos are russian and the atm’s chinese

[bodega man, bodega cats, and c-ckroaches]
the bodega man can!
oh, the bodega man can!

(spoken)
[toilet]
enough! the child is mine! he took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price!

[bodega cat]
i’m sorry, my son. i cannot protect you any longer

[toilet]
aw, come on! feed me, seymour! feed me!

[virgin mary candle]
stop!

[charlie’s friend]
bodega virgin mary candle?

[virgin mary candle]
that’s right! if no one else will protect the boy, then i will. and i hope that someday we can erase

(song)
the memory
oh, this horrible memory
when he needed a toilet
in a moment of shame

[toilet]
if you touch me, you’ll understand what unhappiness is

[c-ckroaches]
your worst day has begun

(spoken)
[charlie]
well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. i think i learned my lesson

[bodega man]
not yet, you haven’t

(song)
[oompa-loompas]
oompa loompa oompety do
we’ve got a troubling bathroom for you
oompa loompa doompety dee
we got an “f” from the cdc

[virgin mary candle]
what do you get when you sit on that seat?

[oompa-loompa 1]
swine hpv and a wave of heat

[oompa-loompa 2]
where are you at
getting desperate like that?

[virgin mary candle]
the sink is a swimming pool for rats

[rat]
i don’t like the looks of it

(spoken)
[charlie’s friend]
wait, wait, wait. you got oompa-loompas in your bodega?

[bodega man]
oh, no, those are just sour patch kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life

[charlie]
hey look, mister, here’s your key back. i decided not to use the bathroom

[bodega man]
no, charlie, don’t you see? it’s all yours now. the bathroom, the bodega, i’m leaving all of it to you. you p-ssed the test

[charlie]
but what will i do with it?

[bodega cat]
it’s a bodega, charlie. the possibilities are endless, because there’s

(song)
525,600 items

[bodega man, bodega cats, and c-ckroaches]
525 thousand unrelated things
525 thousand flavors of ramen
how can we sell you one loose beer?

[all]
and shampoo and hot dogs and the worst-ever cup of coffee
and tampons on the top shelf

[bodega man]
why are they there?

[all]
there’s a guy who doesn’t work here
just sitting and watching soccer
and chargers

[bodega cat]
but they’re only for an iphone 3

[all]
and what about flan?
the dessert called flan?

[c-ckroach 2]
just-unwrapped flan

[all]
bodega of love
love
the toilet don’t flush
the toilet don’t flush

(spoken outro)
[charlie]
all right, i’ve decided to drop out of nyu and run the bodega full-time!

(sung outro)
[all]
yeah, bodega of love!
love!

- saturday night live lyrics

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