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saturday night live - cousin planet lyrics

[melissa mccarthy, spoken]
my gorgeous nieces, happy holiday!

[veronika slowikowska, spoken]
aunt barb!

[jane wickline, spoken]
h+llo!

[melissa, spoken]
your cousins are so excited to see you

[jane, spoken]
cousin time!

[veronika, spoken]
i love cousins!

[verse 1]
i’m hanging with my cousins, it’s the holidays
shotgun heluva dip, then back to wii play
i’m watching ‘catching fire’ on the telly
feeling all right ’cause we’re sipping martinelli’s
then for the first time, something occurs to me
the post+holiday cousin mystery
they tell me every time i see ’em but i don’t know
after they leave
where do cousins go?
[spoken interlude]
bye!
we’ll miss you guys!
drive safe, you guys! bye!
and have fun in, uh, uh…
oh. where do cousins go the rest of the year?
uh…

[chorus]
they go to the cousin planet
where every cousin lives for 360 days a year
they take a rocket to the cousin planet (cousin planet)
the secret world in the sky
where every day is the day after a holiday

[post+chorus]
every day on cousin planet is the same
first thing in the morning, eat some leftover ham
walk backwards on the treadmill in pajama pants
catan for five hours, weird nap, learn a dance
try to smoke weed with our cousin who is cool
get kind of hungry, try to walk through a drive+through (doesn’t work!)
then a family secret is revealed
grandpa had a mistress he concealed
look, the mayor!
[verse 2]
i am the mayor of cousin planet
cousin planet, just one giant cul+de+sac
a turkey thawing in every garage
and every conversation is catching up
hear ye, cousins, there are only two laws
one, no hooking up
and the second law is that the first law is flexible
what? excuse me?
use your discretion

[bridge]
a cousin is the daughter of your sister of your mom
a cousin is the son of the uncle of you
a cousin is a person sleeping on a couch
a cousin is me and a cousin is you

[chorus]
on the cousin planet, cousin planet
the dark side of the planet
are the cousins on your dad’s side
it’s the cousin planet, cousin planet
good luck with your masters in whatever you’re studying, jill
cousin planet, cousin planet
where it’s always december
’cause cousins don’t exist in the summer
cousin planet, cousin planet
it’s the cousin planet
it’s the cousin planet, cousin planet

- saturday night live lyrics

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