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saturday night live - joan song lyrics

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(verse 1)
[joan]
hi. i’m joan
and i currently live alone
in a small, nice home
n0body calls me on the telephone

so it’s me and just me
i used to live with my boyfriend, steve
but steve chose to leave
because he found me boring, and additionally, he was cheating on me
but i’ll be okay
i found a new guy i like better anyway
he’s hot. oh, he’s hot
he likes my body and my personality a lot

(chorus 1)
my dog is my boyfriend
we are in love
he’s a 12+pound chihuahua
i found him on the street and i named him doug

doug, i love you
i love your big fat neck
doug’s my new boyfriend
don’t worry, we don’t have s+x
(verse 2)
doug likes romance
once i showed him pictures of paris, france
with doug, we just kiss
we talk for hours, then i take him out to p+ss

he watches me while i get ready
then we share a bowl of meatb+lls and spaghetti
oh doug, how i wish you could speak
even for a moment just to make a squeak
i think i know what you’d say
but i like to imagine it anyway

(chorus 2)
[doug]
joan, i love you
i love the way you feed me ham
you’re my life, my love, my everything
i love you just the way you am

the taste of your bathroom garbage
sends me into overdrive
i’m terrified of vacuums
but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

(bridge)
[both]
we are in love, we’re in love till our dying day
[joan]
you are so cool, you are so fun in every single way

[both]
we come from the stars, we kiss the sky and together we’ll live forever

(spoken interlude)
[doug]
joan, i have to go back

[joan]
no! why?

[doug]
they said i could only be a man for an hour

[joan]
but who? who said that?

[doug]
god. and his friends

[joan]
right, if that’s how it has to be

[doug]
but wait, before i go, i have to tell you something
[joan]
anything!

[doug]
i ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. it caused a blockage in my intestine that will cost you eight thousand dollars. i’m sorry, joan

[joan]
it’s okay, doug. you’re worth it

(chorus 3)
doug, i love you
you love me, too, that i know
you’re not just my boyfriend
to me, you’re the best in show

(spoken outro)
i love you, doug

- saturday night live lyrics

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