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schäffer the darklord - the rhyme of lord nordak lyrics

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once upon a time before dinosaurs comes a true story
the part of the planet that’s now known as norway
a peace-loving giant, well known in the region
they called him lord nordak, the twelve foot norwegian

now lord nordak had been a warlord back before
but the war had made nordak a warrior no more
his strength was victorious in saving the land
and a prayer he became in the heart of each man

now nordak knew that he had been in their plans
but he leading people could not understand
so when came the hour, he turned down the power
marched out to the mountains to lounge and grow flowers

each morning lord nordak would rise and go foraging
out in the forest, the place of his origin
a million millenia before dinosaurs
it looked kind of like oregon but more enormous and
this is where he grew the food that he could
and smoked magical bushes from hollowed redwoods
he bathed in the lakes and slept out under stars
kept dragons as pets, his skipped rocks sent to mars

lord nordak lived his life in nothing but peace
but life down in the valley was different indeed
the once unified people had begun bickering
flame on the candle of peace had been fl!ckering

and again they all split off into two separate factions
and used their difference to send soldiers to action
so war’s in the land down below once again
and death befell these children, women and men

and the elders from when the people had been one
declared that something urgent had to be done
“send for lord nordak, he brought peace before
with his help, we elders shall win the war.”

so they gathered their sons and their daughters and armed them
and sent them find nordak, off they all sought him
they climbed up the mountain and swam crossed lakes
and slaughtered his eight-legged oxen for steaks

it took them ten days, so they took some wrong turns
but they found nordak sleeping in fields full of ferns
the offspring of elders awoke him and spoke and
they told him of how the great peace had been broken

and implored that he join them to restore the order
they’d be victorious, nordak did snort at this
plucked a bush from the hill, pipe he did smoke;
extinguished it quickly, exhaled and he spoke
“if you keep fighting then no one will win
if i help you succeed, it will just start again
the victors taste greed and then fight to get more!
nordak wants nothing to do with your war!”

but the offspring of elders, shocked by what they heard
grew angry at lord nordak’s soft spoken words
so they all drew their swords, held them high in the sky and cried
“nordak you will join us or you will die!”

now, nordak is often the gentlest beast
but these words did displease, to say the very least
he rose to his feet which then ? through the packs
and held high above, his immense battle axe!
“nordak will not go, so it is declared!”
and the offspring of elders went running off scared
but they didn’t run far, just off outta sight
and waited for nordak to bed for the night

then they crept out without making a noise
and they dusted a bush of his with magic poison
and off they did dash and wait ’til next morning
and rise they did when they heard nordak stop snoring

and watched as he had his first smoke of the day
the bush with the poison nordak puffed away
immediately, he fell under its spell
his muscles all froze, then lord nordak fell

the offspring of elders all appeared a-cackles
and tied up the comatose nordak in shackles
and caged him, they planned to enslave him and take him
out to the front lines where war was raging

the elders were pleased as they stroked their long beards
and said “nordak’s on our side, we’ll shower them in fear”
and grinning smugly they sat in their castle
while thousands and thousands died down in the battle

and all of the leaders of the other tribes
were all in their castles watching from inside
and sipped wine from the hollowed out skulls of their soldiers
greed grew much stronger, blood grew much colder

well, far out beyond their moats, out in the battlefield
bodies of men and the shrapnel of shattered steel
littered the land, and the blood soaked the ground
arrows went whizzing past, soldiers went down

rats ate from bodies that they filled with holes
men were beheaded, impaled upon poles
one thing the elders agreed was this war
was far more horrible than the one long before

but they knew they would win it on this very night
as they signaled to send nordak out to the fight
the soldiers rolled out the cage in which they kept him
and laughed as they planned to deploy this new weapon

they sprinkled some anti-magic dust inside
then unlocked his chains and all stepped aside
and nordak awoke and he stood and he stretched
a bit dizzy, he still felt the poison’s effects

all of the soldiers froze still in their places
as fear and befuddlement shone on their faces
they stared up at nordak afraid and confused
they saw as he came to he wasn’t amused
nevertheless they attacked all a-holler
and nordak in-facing just frowned down on all of them
felt as their arrows broke off at his knees
lord nordak stormed back to the trees

the soldiers kept fighting
thought nordak was hiding
in fact, what he was doing was just deciding
to finally put an end to all this war
and he crept to the outskirts as it began pouring

then found out each castle where each leader slept
and into each palace he quietly crept
he captured each leader before they could run
plucked off their heads, every last one

the elders, the offspring of elders were gone
then nordak rushed out as the war carried on
he ran from each village, and into each home
and gathered the families, the sick, the alone

the kids, the elderly, and all their animals
rushed them all past the soldiers and their battle skulls
up to the mountain, his peaceful oasis
and wept as he saw the joy wash on their faces

he offered them blankets and bread, soup and wine
mixed medicines to help the injured feel fine
and they watched down below the last hours of k!lling
just a war with no leaders or purpose, so silly

all went to sleep and arose in the dawn
and the smoke below that all once there gone
they bowed and then vowed to never be so reckless
and nordak awoke and said, “let’s make big breakfast”
they cooked and they ate and they drank and they sung
and smoked from the bushes when they all were done
and they all lived in peace for the rest of their days
living their lives in the finest of ways

in the earth’s core, nordak buried his hatchets, see
which is why to this day earth still has gravity
then came the comets, and then dinosaurs
and then more comets and then us and then more wars
the end

- schaffer the darklord lyrics

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