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scott burkell and paul loesel - the ballad of sarsaparilla safirovich lyrics

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[verse 1]
i shall tell you a tale of a dejected dame
sarsaparilla safirovich was her given name
she was not the same as all the other chicks
whose body temperatures were 98.6

she didn’t have the flu
but normal she was not
in slang that sums it up
this dish was too hot

[verse 2]
in the summer she’d burn and in the winter perspire
so to put out the inner heat was her one desire
she turned on a fan, put her feet on ice
she called up frigidaire and asked for their advice

since nothing seemed to work
she came to realize
that she was bound to make
the mercury rise

[chorus]
poor sarsaparilla
the saddest girl you’d ever hope to meet
oh, sarsaparilla
the girl who couldn’t stand the heat

[verse 3]
so she packed up her bags and hopped a choo-choo train
by the window right next to her sat a man called dwayne
she confessed her plans to head to cooler climes
and somewhere farther up north create some cooler times

he listened to her tale
of overheated woes
and gave her this advice:
“get rid of your clothes.”

[verse 4}
well, she listened to dwayne ‘cos she had nothing to lose
‘cept for maybe her skirt and blouse and her gloves and shoes
she began to strip right there without a care
and dwayne the gentleman said, “forgive me if i stare!”

“i know that as i peek
my manners i may soil
but everybody knows
a watched pot won’t boil!”

[chorus]
poor sarsaparilla
the saddest girl you’d ever hope to meet
oh, sarsaparilla
the girl who couldn’t stand the heat

[bridge]
off came the hat and the coat and skirt
and the hose and the garters of our extrovert
off came the undies with the paris design
and suddenly a shiver came up her spine

it seems as she stood there in her altogether
sarsaparilla had discovered the perfect weather!

[verse 5]
they got off of the train where there was lots of snow
as a matter-of-fact, they went far north as they could go
dwayne got on his knee and asked her for her hand
around the third on the left he placed a golden band

she finally was cool
she had a guy to boot
she shimmied down the aisle
in her birthday suit

[verse 6}
well, they’ve opened a club to please the eskimoes
sarsaparilla safirovich dances in the shows
she removes her clothes, never breaks a sweat
and dwayne accompanies her upon the clarinet

he treats her like a queen
and everything is right
at thirty-two degrees
fahrenheit

[chorus]
oh, sarsaparilla
the coolest girl you’d ever hope to meet
oh, sarsaparilla
the girl who finally beat the heat

[outro]
now, there’s a moral to this tale
for which i know you’re simply itchin’:
if you cannot stand the heat
get out of your st-tchin’!

- scott burkell and paul loesel lyrics

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