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sentient anomaly - glowotaif affection lyrics

[verse 1]
i went snowboarding for the first time in my life
should be fun, right? sliding on some ice
it was just me and two schoolmates, dudes of course
i asked but no girls wanted to come from our j+panese course
to be honest, i wasn’t really close to the guys neither
i agreed to go thinking a new experience was just what i needed
and i thought i’d be having more fun, but…
it’s not that fun
just going at the top of the slope, then immediately fall
it’s not that i expect to be good from the start, but
doesn’t feel so exciting
not even having fun trying
i’m not even feeling motivated to get up and try again
i already improved a little but it’s like i really don’t care
and i don’t think i’m someone who gives up on things easily
but to be honest? i’m just not feeling it
just like everything else, that i do
i just don’t feel a d+mn thing, anymore
but i still try to change this way of being
and that’s why i said i gotta take myself skiing
i never tried, i should go, come on
it might be fun, you never know, let’s go
and well…

i’m sure it would be fun if the rest of my life was fine
if i wasn’t broken… on the inside
if i wasn’t in an emotional desert all the time
i’m sure life would be worthwhile
if i could feel close to someone
not even all the times, but at least some
i’m sure i could laugh at things, and even often
if i didn’t feel so pushed away, into my own coffin
like at best i’m allowed to exist in this world alone
but never would i be wanted by those
i would actually like to know and get close
at best my existence is tolerated, but only if i comply
with the expectation of me being on my own, or with other rejects of my same kind
and never ever even looking like
i’m thinking about approaching a girl and say hi
that sh+t’s unwelcome… and it just wouldn’t fly
[verse 2]
time passes slowly
the other two guys are not even with me, they just doing their own thing
i’ve been completely on my own since pretty much the beginning
i must be the only one not having fun in this whole ski resort
i can’t wait till it’s over and take these f+cking boots off
f+ck it, i’m even gonna stop trying right now
take the board off, go indoor and sit down
lots of people around me, while i sit here alone
happy guys, happy girls; wonder why was i born
and to be honest, i see attractive girls everywhere
i always notice, i’m scanning out, look for them
other guys don’t even find them attractive, not as much as me
it’s probably an effect that comes from feeling always lonely
i saw some in the bus earlier, some in the ryokan where we staying
and some right now, sitting around, maybe waiting
and sometimes i think, i just wanna approach discreetly and say hi
how’s it going, having fun? just try to be friendly and give it a try
but i already know how that feels for them
and i already know how that goes for me then

not even look at my face, just dismiss me immediately, like i’m evil
unsolicited attention, an annoyance from this molesting individual
seen as a creepy dude who’s trying to rape you or somethin’
giving you that vibe, like, “oh my god, yeah, he’s tryin’”
either i get ignored, like i didn’t even talk
or maybe all i get is that you stand up and walk
becomes something to laugh about later, when you are with your friend
“there was this guy, and like, he tried to talk to me”
and even though i think you still appreciate a little bit of attention
i don’t even try anymore to put myself in this kind of situation
[verse 3]
so now i’m not even snowboarding anymore, started to even regret it
i’m just waiting for the dudes to come back, while i’m scrolling on reddit
and i see this thing, a line wrote by a girl
and they made a meme out of it, but i think it’s f+cking absurd
it says: guys literally only want one thing and it’s f+cking disgusting
obviously talking about how guys seem to only want p+ssy
you think we out here trying to f+ck girls, just for glory
but i don’t agree, and i have another f+cking take on this story

the endless search for p+ssy seems like an obsession
but truly most of us are just trying to get some affection
it’s not just a bodily urge and a human physical need
but also a psychological desire to feel wanted and let in
talking about getting p+ssy sounds crude and uncaring
like a selfish act in which you’d hurt someone’s feelings to get it
but really we want someone to makes us feel loved and accepted
and having s+x is a powerful way to make you feel you’re connected
so we’re not just always trying to get laid
because we only want to make our d+cks ej+cul+te
we’re also longing for bond and intimacy
but when you are a man, there’s usually none in your vicinity

and of course to you it looks like we only want one thing
but living life as a man… is really not what you think
talk about love?
men don’t really get none
from anyone
you really have no idea how painful and lonely it is
sometimes i think i’d rather die than keep on living like this
like i’m still alive while i’m dying of starvation
starved all the time of any care and affection
and an unfulfilled need can lead you into desperation
of course for some of us it really turns into obsession
you call it f+cking disgusting
but you don’t know that we suffering
in this context being a man is really a huge disadvantage
while at least in this sense you were born with a privilege
never in your life you’ll have to deal with the struggle of not being wanted s+xually
if you decided that you wanted to have s+x for the night, you can find someone instantly
you would have an infinite selection of men who are available anytime, anywhere
even if you’re fat and ugly there would still be men around you who really don’t care
you never have to experience that daily existential dread of your body being abhorred
and not being able to satisfy your corporeal and psychological needs, always feeling ignored
you’ll never have to muster up the courage to walk up to a stranger
just to get crushed with a “no!”, in less than a second

but you don’t live these problems, so i guess they are not problems at all, right?
it’s not your reality, so this is just crazy talk, right?
if you want the word of a woman, because you won’t believe a man
try to google norah vincent, maybe then you’ll understand

[verse 4]
so…
some of us are strong enough to endure the constant rejection
and the sense of worthlessness instilled on us with every interaction
so we still go ahead and try our best to find some other connection
but there’s even more sh+t to deal with when you do this, like it’s not okay
because society is constantly condemning you for even just trying this way
a woman is empowered if she caters for her s+xual needs: “you go girl! life is yours to enjoy!”
while male s+xuality is demonized: you get called creepy, desperate, just another f+ckboy
and we can’t even try anything anywhere, with anyone anymore
don’t chat up the girls you see at school, lest you look like a fool
wanna ask out your cute workmate?
nah, that’s inappropriate, for f+ck’s sake
can you chat up a girl that you see on the street?
oh that’s a big no+no, that is just harassing!

and so for this specific purpose they made dating sites and apps
where you could find people who want to connect, including for s+x
but then quickly even places like tinder were overrun by these prudes
who go write “no hook ups” in their profile, like they’re being abused
b+tch! you get off tinder if you are just looking for friends
this is not meetup dot com, go f+ck off somewhere else
finding a s+x partner is exactly why these sites were made
after you made it impossible in real life, only here was okay
but you had to go and bring your sh+t even here and ruin all the fun
now every girl pre+emptively shutting down any possible s+xual outcome
all these people going on tinder to say “no hook ups”, what a demented crowd
it’s like invading a football field and screaming “no ball games allowed!”
hijacking the platform, to get more instagram followers
so you feel more important, while we rot out of loneliness

just why can’t you accept it?
good s+x makes my life more meaningful
i seek gratification and it’s not shameful
s+xuality is not something we should live in fear of
and being born a man shouldn’t be a sin anymore
but everywhere i go they criminalize this pursuing
i feel repressed, they want me to live life as a eunuch

[verse 5]
and even this snowboarding thing eventually was over
we took two busses and two trains, back in the morning
i act talkative and outgoing with the guys, otherwise it’s too boring
but once i’m finally on my own, i have to deal with these thoughts that i can’t keep ignoring
and while i’m on my way home, i think to myself
wow, okay, so that was it for this social event
i really keep trying to go out and do things with people, socialize
i don’t wanna complain that i’m lonely but never try to go outside
but at the end, the result? it’s always the same
i spend a bunch of my money, just to think it was lame
going out with friends and do stuff is alright
but the truth is, this is not what i need in my life

you know what i need? i need affection
i don’t need any friends, i don’t need more connections
i need love, physical love, i need to touch and be touched
i need to feel wanted, i don’t think this is asking too much
i really don’t need a bro or a buddy or make some new friends
when acting happy at these events always feels like pretense
and society tries to convince us that we’re not lonely if we go out and have fun
but that’s bullsh+t; you can’t satisfy a need just by tending to a different one
just like you can’t take away your hunger by drinking more water
sure i can make friends, but that’s substituting a need for another
okay, you know what?
i don’t even want to make rhymes anymore, look:

[outro – spoken word]
the pain of my loneliness is made worse
by the pain that comes from living in a society
which silently
or loudly
presents me
not only with the impossibility to have my needs met
satisfied fully and regularly
but also with the refusal
to even have these needs acknowledged as legitimate

my innate desire for closeness and intimacy is muted
and ignored out of existence
male s+xuality is tamed, repressed, dismissed and shamed into oblivion
and expressing pain for such a thing is fiercely ridiculed

society imposes me to be quiet
and to convince myself that all i need to live a meaningful life are these secondary outlets

there is only the expectation from me to carry on year after year
as if everything is well, as if i am content
so that i can comply
and contribute to the very same system that represses me and enslaves me

- sentient anomaly lyrics

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