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serene envy - russian roulette lyrics

every morning i wake up with this feeling of crying
if i had drugs i would take some cause i feel like i’m dying
the pain is too strong for me to fight it
so i lie to myself and chose to be fake by making it seem like i’m smiling
yeah these people don’t know and i wouldn’t want to hurt them
i’d be rich if i had a nickel for every time i lost a person
i don’t want to be the outcast, i just want to fit in
and be normal like everyone else and not be dying within

i never got to live life as a kid
he was to busy hurting me and that image replays like if it happened again
and no he didn’t hurt me to the farthest degree
but this pain is the strongest and its been the hardest on me
and for years i swear this pain hadn’t affected me
a part of me will always hate my parents cause they were supposed to be protective of me
but my mother warned me, she always kept me at home
little did she know that’s where harm would affect me the most
and i know i’m not the only one with problems this deep
there’s people with more problems and more pain who lie at the bottom of peace
but that doesn’t help me ease the pain
i gave up my intellegence, health, and soul and i will never be the same

the only thing keeping me alive is my music
and it hurts when these people go out of there way to critisize me as stupid
i don’t try to impress them but i leave an impression
and i’m to busy trying to make them smile for them to see my depression
they don’t know the reasons why i’m scared of men
instead they’re quick to point the finger and call me a lesbian
they don’t know the reasons why i’m this big
they don’t know i eat to fill this void in my heart to the point where its a sickness
they don’t know why i choose to be this ignorant
the less i know the less people there is to deal with all this bickering

and i’m angry with every single person
who never gave me a chance to show them that my presence was worth it
i’m not perfect, so why are you hating on my name for?
at the end of the day we’re both walking out the same door
i will forever be fighting this story that fate wrote
why is it that i’m this world’s only scapegoat?
they blame me for every problem like if i’m at fault
the only thing letting me sleep is this dose of tylenol

but no matter what i do, whether i take my own life or not
please remember me as that smiling girl who likes to write a lot
that kind girl that you should’ve loved to the death
who spends her nights playing a mental game of russian roulette

waking up in agony as she sees the sun shine
and not being able to feel or feel loved through her soul and young mind
cause she’s lost her every inch of hope
all these people judge without a jury to defend me as i’m dying in this home
as i let this pen be my gun and i point it at my head
i will surrender my life to music so now enjoy that i’m dead
and in this new life of mine
i will never let life bring me down again even if i never get signed

so i will continue to live with these feelings that are not seen
and let the music keep k!lling me softly no matter what it costs me
this is my sanctuary and to be honest
i’ve found the road to joy but the path is where i’m getting lost in

- serene envy lyrics

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