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south park - mephesto and kevin lyrics

in 1986 the university of california davis saw two of it’s all time brightest stars, dr alphonse mephesto and dr arnie absucrepin. dr mephesto worked hard towards his theasis, his goal was to genetically duplicate the dna structure of an asparagus, so that all asparagus’ would grow to the same girth and length, giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world’s supermarket vegetable bin. d absucrepin’s goal was to genetically create the greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen. doctor absucrepin knew that if he could -ssemble the right elements he could theoretically build the dna structure that would ensure his creation had talent far surp-ssing the average the average individual. at the time one subject of urban myth was the story that michael jackson, in an attempt to retain his youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics, had his t-st-cl-s surgically removed thereby making him a modern day castrato. if such a rumor were true, michael jackson more that likely would have had some of his s-m-n preserved before the surgery to ensure the future of his name and lineage. word came back to dr absucrepin of a secret cold storage locker deep within the bowels of the ucla research center, that not only contained 4 containers of frozen s-m-n, but also held a pair of t-st-cl-s, each was labeled with the name, ‘jack michaelson’.

i once heard a noise..
in the night, the most sensual voice
a song of love from an angelic boy
stuck in my head, and this is what he said..
‘i am gopher boy, pondering reality,
i am gopher boy, who will find my raspberries?’

this had to be the seed of the king of pop. dr absucrepin was able to use his charm and chiseled great features to woo a young lab technician by the name of jennifer, who of course, just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial of the precious s-m-n. the search for the egg was a short one, dr mephesto simply ran an ad in the cl-ssified section of an l.a. music magazine. the ad read, ‘wanted: unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment, donors must have musical background’. with a plethora of young, eager, wannabe musical starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased. doctor absucrepin felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the fetus were brought to term in a the womb of a non-human. he had long since secured the services of the university volleyball mascot, a llama by the name of ‘missy’. when the baby was ready, the child was removed via cecarium. it was a healthy baby boy. he was named kevin.

kevin was a beautiful child, dr absucrepin saw to it that kevin was trained by the best in all aspects of performing. his voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked. he moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was 3. as kevin grew with his talent, dr absucrepin started noticing odd developments in his physical state. when kevin lost his baby teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance; they were at least twice the size of a normal adults and the two in front stuck nearly straight out. also as kevin reached his 8th year he was the same height as when he was 4. to top it off he was growing hair all over and his p-n-s was enormous, even by adult standards. it also dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing kevin sing he rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunts and gurgles.

others were noticing the changes in kevin. children began to tease him, and call him ‘gopher boy’. one day a bully by the name of ‘big roy’ started throwing bananas at him. soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas. suddenly in a fury, kevin rushed at big roy and bit three fingers off on his left hand. kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state. dr absucrepin actions were found out but because there was no legislation concerning the genetic construction of another human being, no criminal charges were brought forth. the medical -ssociations board of ethics stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruined. in fact his name became so synonymous with failure that for years to come med students around the world were known to say in times of mishap, ‘d-mn, i feel just like absucrepin!’ dr mephesto immediately proceedings to adopt little kevin. being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus, it wasn’t long before the two were legally united as father and son. the moved to colorado where they could live in relative obscurity. kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles, but on occasions if you listen closely, you can hear his sweet golden singing voice ring out into the night over the small town of south park..

‘i am gopher boy, pondering reality,
i am gopher boy, who will find my raspberries?’

- south park lyrics

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