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steven wright - camera lyrics

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next week, i’m gonna have an mri to find out whether or not i have claustrophobia

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in school, they told me “practice makes perfect”. then they told me “n0body’s perfect”. so then i stopped practicing

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here’s some of my answers to everyday questions:

“excuse me, sir. do you know what time it is?” “no. i’m not from around here.”

“excuse me. do you know where the train station is?” “probably near the tracks.”

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sometimes when i’m over at someone’s house and no one’s in the kitchen, i like to write things on their to+do list they have on their refrigerator

“memorize distances to all other planets.”

“adopt babies and sell on black market.”

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you ever notice when a house burns down, the only thing left standing is the fireplace and the chimney?
how’s that for evidence?

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i bought a new camera. it’s very advanced. you don’t even need it

why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

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i bought a new phone. the first thing i did was push re+dial

the phone started having a nervous breakdown. the phone was twitching like this. “i don’t have this information!”

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i bought an ipod. it can either hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother

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they say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. they’re right

i’m missing a wall in my kitchen

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today, i was talking to myself. i was very polite and cordial but i could tell i was lying

under my breath, i said, “you’re full of sh+t.” then i said, “what?” then i said, “nothing.”

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you know, if heat rises, heaven might be hotter than h+ll

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i’m thinking of buying a plasma television in case i need a blood transfusion

that way i can mainline 150 channels right into my arm

that way they can do my autopsy via satellite

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i have a cd burner. my fireplace

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friend of mine is a pilot. we were gonna go somewhere in his car for absolutely no reason. he waited 45 minutes before he backed out of his driveway

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i have another pair of pants just like these. except they’re red with green stripes and they’re shorts

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last night, i was in a restaurant called bulimians

the line for the bathroom was incredible

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