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the adventures of duane & brando - final fantasy lyrics

once upon a time in the land of melmond, the splendor of vegetation decayed (c’mon)
it was prophesized that four stunning light warriors would come and save the day (w-what-what)
arriving in coneria, in the midst of their deliria, four motherf-ckers emerged (h-ll yeah)
to teach a valued lesson, better count your blessings at the beating that’s about to occur (here we go)

i am the fighter (the name’s dune!)
i’m the leader of the gang
can’t use any magic, but i’m critically acclaimed
introducing the red mage, the jack of all trades
both magic, crazy tactics, leaving ’em all in their grave
then there’s a black belt and a black mage, clumsy with the hitting
but fixing to put a hurting on all of you f-cking b-tches
don’t forget, after this, we gotta stop at the shop
i ain’t doing much damage with this rock in a sock

i am the red mage, pimpin’ a feather in my hat
the name’s jojo, need something? yeah i got that
watch your step, cause i stand where you fall
eloquent abilities, and that’s not all
ostentatiously fashionable, what’s my name, b-tch?
light you on fire, and then i’ll heal your sh-t
just to burn you again, and then i’ll cut you in two
it takes three men just to do what i do

and that’s my cue
pointy hat and coat of blue
burning bright yellow eyes, and i do what i do
cause i learned the dark arts from another time and age
bow down to me, b-tches, cause i’m the black mage
i got my wizard hat on and i’m looking something vicious
all the ladies call me “lucky”, cause i’m magically delicious
four sp-ces for a name? b-tch, i only need three
l-e-o, sign me up for the final fantasy!

i’ve just heard a legend as a prophecy
that four strapping young lads would come and see me
in all my majesty and save the princess, see
and put a d-mn stop to the elemental fiends
the good knight garland (until recently)
broke in and stole the f-cking princess from me
don’t worry about it, sir, we’re gonna take garland down
but we’re gonna need some weapons, ‘fore we go into town
let’s go!

oh great we’re at the town shop
black mages can’t equip sh-t, so i’ll wait outside
(yay, leo!)
just take your time
(yeah, get out of here, corey feldman!)
i guess i’ll go buy some spells, and i’ll find them all well
find something else to do with my time
that’s fine
quit with the b-tchin’, get back in the kitchen!

going on our way to the temple of fiends
d-mned imp better stay the h-ll away from me
yo, spud, hit ’em with your nunchucks, g
see if we can go and gain some gold and xp
these wolves won’t stop coming after me
but ain’t nothing compared to these spiders, see
with you here, jojo, to cast ruse on me
nothing’s stopping us from building up the gp

d-mn, leo, why you keep gettin’ hit?
you’re bringin’ the team down, i’m sick of this sh-t!
you’re a mediocre mage, and you’re trippin’, jojo
i think it’s time for you to get your -ss in the back row
once we get to the temple, you’d better up your energy
now, everybody armor up and get behind me
surrender the princess or we’re taking you down
we’re gonna run your -ss up out of this town
c’mon!

your defense is weak
fought imps tougher than you
good knight turned bad knight?
good night for you
surrender the princess or surrender your life
i’m light speeds ahead of you, now bleed on my knife
that was a critical hit
critics are thumbing in awe
garland, you look like sh-t
go home and cry to your ma

who do you think you are, boy, the light warriors?
don’t make me laugh, although you are glorious
how do you get your hair to match your armor so well?
i bet your manicurist has a dozen stories to tell
stand aside, boy, i’ll make a mockery of you
well you’ll be pushing up roses ‘fore the time that i’m through
you done it now, shut your mouth, look what you made me do!

you can’t keep up with me, you f-ckin’ slow -ss punk
your little knife ain’t gonna stop my powerful nunchucks
once you were the best knight in the kingdom
now you’re nothing but a f-ckin’ crumb-bum, chum
i bite my thumb at you, b-tch
(how dare you!)
i’m back in this part just to fix up my glitch

is that all you’ve got, you vexatious queef?
i’ll knock you down, i’ll make you wish you would’ve chosen thief
your nunchaku are as deadly, if no more so than you
and that isn’t saying much, but it’s true
have at you!

you were just lucky when you landed that blow
(fo’ sho’!)
but mine won’t even show with my back up, bro
(so back up, bro!)
(your back up?)
(yes!)
(oh no!)

you think you’ve won, but your story has only begun
i summon four ferocious fiends from beyond the sun
well, god d-mn you and your f-cking sh-t, i’m going home!
(no!)
sh-t, there better have been pizza two thousand years ago
(yeah, you -ssh0l-)

thank you all, you f-ckin’ saved me
without you four people, i don’t know where i’d be
now saddle up fellas, and get inside of me
that’s one h-ll of a way to increase your hp!
now, let’s go see the king, i hear he built us a bridge
we can go to the town where all the pirates live
muscle up some scallywags, and get us a boat
so we can sail the seas and punch fish in the throat

three sheets to the wind and i’ll show you the ropes
i’m bikke the pirate, i’ll put a hook in your throat
yo, bikke, check it out, i’m gonna slaughter your crew
now gimme your ship (avast!) or i’mma do it to you
it’s already been five minutes since we started this song
that’s four ninja gaiden songs way too long
you k!lled me mates, they’re a pain in me bum
you can take me ship, but i’m keepin’ me rum

my name is matoya and i got me some herb
if you find my crystal i can hook you up (word!)
is it just me, or are my broomsticks talkin’?
crazy backwards words like christopher walken
let me take another toke and hope you find my sh-t
cause if you don’t, you won’t be getting no herb, legit?

sh-t, break out the cheez whiz, we gonna have a party
we’ll find that f-cking crystal, and i’ll break out the bacardi
you got a s-xy voice, call me up some time
or we’ll be back with the crystal if you change your mind

(destroy all of them)
(k!ll them one by one)
(tear them into shreds)
(this will be so fun)

i rescued the princess and leveled up my crew
b-tch, i done evened out the odds, now i’m coming after you
i got my mind on the prize, i’m taking what’s mine
tell doc brown to get the delorean, we’s going back in time, b-tch

(garland is no more)
(chaos reigns supreme)
(so, you want some more?)
(check out my four fiends)

destroyed lich with fire, and kary with might
sockin’ kraken, blockin’, knockin’ as we nuke tiamat tonight (ya na na na)
i got the crystals, time to go back to the past
as i put this motherf-ckinh sword in chaos’ -ss

those fools are on their way
they’ll rue the day they came my way
i’m chaos
in the flesh
the fiends compare to fleas compared to me
it’s great to be pure chaos
i laid erdrick to rest
and one by one you’ll die by my hand
oh, look what i’ve become
this fantasy is far from final
the worst is yet to come

rescued the princess and captured the ship
we got the mystic key from elven prince
defeated lich, kary, kraken and tiamat with a chortle
orb of earth, fire, water, air, opened the portal
went back two thousand years to the temple of fiends
now we’re four light warriors, haunting your dreams
you’re going down, chaos, you shouldn’t f-ck with my crew
or leo, jojo, spud and i are gonna show you how we do
you motherf-cker
we’ve beat you before, and we’ll do it again
every time you f-ckin’ rise until this fantasy ends
you’d better stay on your guard, cause when i strike you’re gonna feel it
you f-ckin’ piece of sh-t, you’re going down b-tch, i mean it

chaos, i got a problem wit’cho muhf-ckin’ -ss
that’s why i captured the crystals and came back to the past
battled many foes on my way to you
and i won’t think twice about destroying you, too

i won’t be so forgiving this time around
i will put you in the ground
you can’t stop me now, i’m more powerful than you
you puny half-wit, i’ll hit you with my d-ck!

chaos reigns upon you and you question yourself
you find that messing with the best is never good for your health
b-tch you’d better go home, and cry to your mom (your mom!)
cause i’ve been f-ckin’ practicing and taking my time (my time!)
you’re good, but you’re no sephiroth
you’re starting to p-ss me off
right now
right now
right now
right now

(i’m gonna f-cking kick you in your stupid f-cking face!)
your defense is weak
fought imps tougher than you
good knight turned bad knight?
good knight for you
i got so much hp, you can call me terminator
cause these motherf-ckin’ muscles are buffer than schwarzenegger’s
take a tip from my crew b-tch, it’s time to bow out!
after that we’ll have a motherf-cking night on the town

cause it’s a random battle system, and your -ss gon’ be hurtin’
and i’ll be busting out my tricks like my name was lance burton
eight-bit motherf-ckers, and we’re fully equipped
with swords and staves and knives, all kinds of magical sh-t (let’s go)

how can this be happening? this can’t be true!
well i’mma kick you in your motherf-ckin’ face, you’re through
you done it now, shut your mouth, look what you made me do!

i got a thousand volts of lightning running through my veins
three-foot of steel in my hand, and its flavor is pain
you been playing with fire, now you’re gonna get burned
you’re in over your head, another lesson to be learned
i’m gonna run you through, you’re gonna pay for your crime, f-cker
i just cast haste and now you’re running out of time

they call me chaos for a reason, boy, don’t be ridiculous
as of late, i’ve found that time itself is rather meticulous
i am immortal, i have inside me blood of kings!
you and your friends will die here and i’ll destroy everything!

we are the light warriors, b-tch, you heard what i said
we’re gonna end this paradox, you’re only strong in your head
you may think you’re safe in this time loop, but now you’re dead

- the adventures of duane brando lyrics

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