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the cool greenhouse - sod's toastie lyrics

[verse 1]
thank f+cking christ if you can find the end of the sellotape in under 15 minutes
i remember last time i did this, i was only five or six
and now i realise everything’s been going downhill ever since
cause i still trapse the b+tts of my f+gs in with my feet
oh, and the people, they still get cross, like they did when i was just sixteen
like when a policeman said i was strange for keeping money under my cab
i ran off, and when i got back, he gave me a punch in the face
hе said, “it’s your word against mine boyo”
i said, “well, herе’s looking at you, kid”, and he laughed
[verse 2]
and now, the ladybirds live in cl+sters
in the corners of my windows
and they judge me as i get older
just like one million mothers
“when will you ever learn?”
the insects say to me
i said, “well, how should i know that?
it’s not like i’m clairvoyant”
they said, “don’t answer back
you know your cheek won’t work with us
y’know, you really better buck up
or we’ll fly right up your ass”
and i think i better pull up my pants
as i proceed to read my book
which is not ‘twelve rules for life’
by jordan f+cking peterson
which, if i remember correctly, is about
keeping your room tidy, whilst being a d+ck about it

[verse 3]
here’s a story of a misadventure i had the other day
whilst trying to make a cup of coffee, and a cheese toastie
which i think sums up the experience of being alive quite nicely
well, i’ve been trying to make music again for everybody, all day
but it just wasn’t flowing at all
so instead i decided to do one of the menial tasks that i had to do, on my list of my menial tasks
which didn’t require any emotion or thought
like package and send two cool greenhouse tea towels which were long overdue
but then when i went to fetch the iron, the cord was broken
a mouse had chewed all the way through the wire
i thought, ‘screw it, i’ll send them with creases’
but when i went to print out the addresses
the printer kept jamming
so i tried with a pen
but all the pens were either dried up, or out of ink
so i wrote the addresses in lipstick
but i missed the post office by about two minutes
so i put everything off and decided to make a cheese toastie and a coffee instead
to ease my mind
there wasn’t any b+tter
but i thought, ‘okay, that’s fine’
and i smeared on some oil with a spoon
but the grill was stuck on high
and i wasn’t able to pay much attention
so the toastie turned ash black on both sides
i thought, ‘never mind’
‘well, i’ll just scr+pe the black off with a knife’
but whilst i was doing this, all the scr+ped burned bits went into my coffee and ruined it
so i made another coffee
only this time, i stirred it with the oily spoon, by mistake
so now, it had disgusting oily globules all in it
by this time, the toastie was stone cold
so i just
hung myself

- the cool greenhouse lyrics

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