the frantics – last will and temperment lyrics
last will and temperament
by the frantics
available on frantic times, cbc records lm484, 1984
executor: as the executor of mr. muldoon’s estate, i have been empowered to read mr. muldoon’s last will and testament.
hedge: well, get on with it, the bars open soon.
jenny: oh, poor, dear arthur! waaaa!
hank: oh, there, there, jenny.
ralston: god, how predictably boring.
mrs. mulroy: i never worked for a kinder man.
executor: if we are all seated, i shall proceed with the reading.
ralston: i knew it.
hedge: heh heh heh heh.
executor: “i, arthur durham muldoon, being of sound mind and body…”
hedge: that’s a laugh!
executor: “… do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. to my overly emotional sister, jenny…”
jenny: waaaa!
hank: jenny, darling, he’s talking about us.
jenny: oh.
executor: “… who grubbed with her husband, hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when i needed sympathy…”
jenny: what?
executor: “… to jenny, i leave a boot to the head.”
jenny: a what?
-bonk! –
jenny: ow!
hank: jenny, are you okay?
executor: “… and another boot to her wimpy husband, hank.”
-bonk! –
hank: ow!
hedge: hahahahaha…
jenny: this is an outrage!
executor: “… ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my rolls royce, and since i no longer need it…”
jenny: oh, dear arthur, he’s too kind!
hank: yes.
executor: “… i bequeath another boot to the head.”
jenny: what?
-bonk! –
jenny: ow!
hedge: hahahaha…
executor: “and one more for the wimp.”
-bonk! –
hank: ow!
executor: “next, to my alcoholic brother…”
hedge: hey, i don’t want no boot to the head!
executor: “… to dear hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life…”
hedge: i’m coverin’ up my head!
executor: “… i leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.”
hedge: really?
executor: “and a boot to the head.”
-bonk! –
hedge: oh!
executor: “and another for jenny and the wimp.”
-bonk! –
jenny: oh!
-bonk! –
hank: ow!
executor: “next, to my know-it-all nephew, ralston…”
ralston: this is so predictable…
executor: “… i leave a boot to the head.”
-bonk! –
ralston: uh! i knew it.
executor: “and one for jenny and the wimp.”
-bonk! –
jenny: ah!
-bonk! –
hank: oh!
executor: “this takes care of family obligations. and now, to mrs. mulroy…”
mrs. mulroy: oh, uh, i don’t want nothin’.
executor: “… who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea…”
mrs. mulroy: oh, i didn’t mind.
executor: “to mrs. mulroy, i bequeath a boot to the head.”
-bonk! –
mrs. mulroy: oh!
executor: “and one for jenny and the wimp.”
-bonk! –
jenny: ah!
-bonk! –
hank: oh!
executor: “and so, to my cat mittens, i leave my entire vast… boot to the head!”
-bonk! –
-meow! –
executor: “and finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, i leave not a boot to the head… but a rabid tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!” ooohhh! oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, “… and i leave my entire estate of $10 million to the people of calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!” huh.
hank: is that it?
ralston: that’s it?
hedge: that’s disgraceful.
executor: there’s one last thing for everyone.
hedge: cover your heads, everybody!
executor: “i leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.”
hank: ice cream?
hedge: ice cream?
ralston: ice cream, that’s all?
executor: that’s all.
mrs. mulroy: well, what flavor is it?
executor: boot to the head!
-bonk! – -bonk! – -bonk! – -bonk! –
all: ow!
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