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the golden standard - president roast lyrics

rutherford b. hayes (julia):
rutherford b. hayes, that’s my name
hopefully, i can give you all a lesson on how to behave
was the 19th president of the united states
hopefully, this verse will end this debate
all you useless, below average, coveters of my position
schooling you all will be my final mission
you’re talking to a general
i keep my word. you wanna bet?
i deliver the gold standard. what can you do? next

arthur, why now does that name sound so familiar
probably because it’s the name of an anteater
80 pairs of pants, why so little, little chester
you need at least a hundred to beat me, jester

i helped reform civil service, suppressed railroad strikes
two of you got shot by anarchists
i aided indian policy, you think you can admonish me

harrison, you crashed the economy
unemployment, star scandals, and chinese exclusion acts
done by little men and that’s a fact
i have cities named after me, i’m a man of honor
be glad i kept my word, or else you’d be a goner

james garfield (phuong):
ayo james garfield in the land of the free
its 1881 where my rule has just begun
now who sought the need to make me a nominee
despite the poverty within my past glossary

rising from beginnings in actuality
freak who’s the poorest, a person’s status depends on strategies

funded and promoted by the federal government
an education system for the empowerment
paving the way, for civil service reform
there is much more that-you fools must reaffirm

i, strengthened the federal authority
over the new york customs house
through the exploitation uniformity
done by the patronage and their abouts

the rise of african american commodity
through the idealistic equality
appointing former slaves within my administration
giving men like federick dougl-ss a prominent position

hey y’all did ya know?
riddance of corruption
led the reconstruction of the post office department
allowing the bureaucracy to economically sharpen

ayo chester arthur?
you are very welcome for my departure
it seems to me that being president gave you a hard time
funny how you now think political machines are a crime
because if i recall correctly, it was conkling that gave you power
but all you seem to do now is sit and cower
it may not be my place to say but you always show submission
i don’t understand how you think you’re worthy of your position

chester a. arthur (sophia):
as the 21st president of our beloved country
i have a duty to the nation to declare it bluntly
i, chester a. arthur, will come and teach
the benefits of listening to my speech

you see, unlike my foes
adorned in dreary problems and clothes
i know the streets quite well
can’t you hear the streetcar bells

i’ve been p-ssing bars
becoming a prosecutor star
and being the loudest voice
as i take you to court

my words are absolute commands
see the clean indian lands
funding indian education
these works are my vacation

and for my greatest achievement
causing the big relievement
as the pendleton act
got all the corrupted sacked

these other presidents think they can win
but they’re all just withering foreskin

but i raised american ocean
giving it a naval commotion
i polished the political building
made the white house worth million

cleveland, his obstinacy
whose policies fell into incompentency
rejected corruption
became the business’ disruption
and yet fell from grace
with the alliance you misplace

it seems that american citizens can’t call you out no more
to the president they once publically adore
as you side yourself with the very thing you denounce
your friendship with the robber barons was announced
you took the big business up to new height
became their stubborn and shining new light
when calling the federal troop
to quell the protesting group

yes, pullman strikes seemed familiar
became the new trigger
against the american interest
wasting citizens’ commitment

grover cleveland (manmeet):
22th and 24th president here
had to take a break for a couple of years
cleveland’s the name, at corruption i take aim
you all think your verses are the best? that’s a shame
i’m back to teach you republicans how to get things done
i think we need a couple of lessons, one-on-one
being the leader?
it’s in my dna
i’m out here reducing the tariff like it’s child’s play
fighting corruption and greed with the icc
maintaining a golden standard, that’s a guarantee

arthur over here thinks he’s the favorite nationwide
cried like a baby when garfield died
do you think you got rhythm? i disagree
all you got is a huge, colossal, sense of greed
got comfy at the top of the political machines
can’t handle the heat when the public gets a little mean

and harrison, don’t think i forgot about you
this roast is admittedly a bit overdue
your grandpa was the president? must be the family business
too bad you both went and died of a common illness
saved the country from your depression, cleveland’s here to take home the crown
you should choose another profession, after being such a letdown

benjamin harrison (nhi):
hey hey hey… stop the music
name’s ben harrison
you can’t make comparisons
to all these other presidents
to them, i set the precedent
only five-six feet
but i still pack all this heat
and while everyone was racist
i was never complacent
i opposed the chinese exclusion act
equality for all, as a matter of fact
i actually allowed for innovative foreign policy
when i took the samoan islands’ autonomy
i even cared about these d-mn trees
while rutherford b. hayes died from heart disease

hey cleveland! don’t get me started
your rap is only for the lighthearted
you talk about reducing the tariff
but i’m actually calling the sheriff
oh but don’t be so blue
it’s only cause your wife is 26 years younger than you
i’m sure those big corporations you supported can get you somebody new

wait, mckinley, you talk about obtaining the phillippines
but our citizens weren’t happy with it, by all means
sure, you brought unemployment to 5 percent
but the bullet in your chest could really not prevent
your untimely death
sorry baby, take that last breath

it’s time for me to end
i hope i don’t offend
but this rap was a godsend
and while all your raps tend to condescend
i truly set the trends
and can you see it now? my presidency truly does transcend

william mckinley (sofia):
25th president in the house! ya! ya! ya!

hey yo, all you past presidents
saved the best for last and i got all of the evidence
mckinley in the house, and i’m about to bring some eloquence
listen to my words, and i’m about to make some sense
hold on to your masculinity, y’all about to be a big ol’ a cry baby
you might have the facial hair, but i’m so smooth you can’t compare, ha!

i made america a global empire
all y’all did was say your sad self satires
my foreign policy, brought these states the prosperity
my administration filled with nothing, but ingenuity
thinking bout the cuban insurrection
led to the growth of the spanish tension
100 days of war, i crushed the spanish fleet in santiago
not only cuba did i gain
but philippines, guam, and puerto rico
let’s not forget i annexed hawaii
completing america’s 50 state history
so many hopes for the 20th century

i ain’t playing when i am talking about our economy
my dingley tariff replenishing the us treasury
i tell you, i got everything, especially my emory
took 12.5 % of unemployed
not something i would avoid
brought it down to 5%
oh yay, now they can pay their rent

now now now, benjamin harrison
i heard you say something about not having a comparison
but first of all, an inch from you, i’m living off as five seven
give me the mic, oh wait you can’t reach me, you hear what i’m saying?
gave philippines their sovereignty, how sweet of you in their society
oh well, my bl–dy ship, took it for america’s almighty
this ain’t a d-mn game of decency
it’s all about america’s prosperity cuz we built on colonies

huh!?

yo cleveland, how’s your wife?
oh wait, nevermind
good job for babysitting those big businesses
but unfortunately, you forgot about your ordinary citizens

and arthur, well sad sad boy, losing all his confidence
not to mention you partic-p-ted in the spoils system
this is so sad, i’m sorry to say
80 pairs of pants won’t save the day

hey hey hayes, how about your election
if i’m not mistaken, i remember you did not win the majority’s affection

and garfield, how sweet of you to treasure education
but in my head, all i know is the fact you got shot in a train station

yes, yes!

y’all have some relevant points, but i can’t promise that i don’t believe
that future america won’t be as thankful for the gifts they have received. from. me

- the golden standard lyrics

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