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the rifftones - (the ballad of) rufus amos adams lyrics

[spoken; kevin]
one, two, three, four

here we go, now
yee+hoo!

[spoken; mike]
some say he rode in from a west texas town
where he gunned a local marshal down
but, in truth, he took the bus from portland, maine
they say his mother was a cherokee queen
and his father a cajun from new orleans
but no, his dad is gary and his mom is jane

[sung—bill, mike, kevin]
he never k!lled a b’ar
or wrestled with a crocodile
he never rescued fourteen people
from a raging fire
he’s just this doughy guy
in sweatpants and a star wars shirt
who works the third shift at the bеst buy
in the brookfield mall

[spoken; kevin]
he’s in chargе of mice and keyboards
[sung; all]
rufus amos adams
is thirty+six years old
rufus amos adams
once ate four whole chalupas in an hour

[spoken; mike]
some say his head is stainless steel
and instead of feet, he’s got two wheels
and his b+tt cheeks each can lift a hundred pounds
that his bowels are packed with dynamite
and his ears are gold and they’re watertight
and his kneecaps were forged by dwarves who live underground

[sung—bill, mike, kevin]
he’s frankly getting pretty sick
of all these misperceptions
he’s starting to suspect that they’re all
bein’ spread by todd
well, todd’s that little red+haired guy
who used to work in shipping
he’s probably mad ’cause rufus
spilled a red bull on his shoes

[spoken; kevin]
todd, man!
[sung; all]
rufus amos adams
wants todd to go to h+ll
rufus amos adams
his dvds are organized by year
has an hd player and a blu+ray, too
saw “dark knight” at the imax twenty times
has d&d dice in a leather pouch
got a tattoo of steve jobs on his right arm
his gecko is the truest friend he has
he’ll die alone and never know true love
his mother wants him off the bas+m+nt couch
her friends won’t play bridge down there anymore
they always have excuses not to co+ome!

- the rifftones lyrics

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