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the tommy lasorda experience - the oneonta chronicles, pt. 1 lyrics

true story
after a weekend of heavy drinking
and general unhealthy activities
i drove back from oneonta on a monday morning
ooohhhhhhhh

after about half an hour, i felt a seismic rumbling
that was coming from several places between my groin and chest
i desperately looked for a gas station, an empty field, a mailbox
anything
i was sweating, and in severe distress
yeah!

i pulled up to a red light there was a diner to my right
there was no time to even park the car
lleft it running at the red light
i entered the diner, clutching my abdomen
and quickly realized a few things

everyone was staring at me as if i had strutted
unannounced into a mafia social club wearing a fairy costume
the single bathroom was about four feet from the counter
and there was no lock on the door
the door
those diners were subjected to 25 minutes
of the most violent evacuation imaginable
it is conceivable that in the time i spent in that bathroom
a woman could have given birth
with less effort, less noise and fewer items
being knocked off the walls
i won’t belabor the point any further
i considered buying something just out of courtesy
i instead just put my head down and walked out of the diner
my car was still at the light
people were going round it
i drove the two and a half hours home without further incident
enveloped in my own shame

- the tommy lasorda experience lyrics

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