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the warp zone (youtube) - the hobbit-rap battle of the five armies lyrics

galadriel
home is behind
death ahead
and through every path we tread
i see fire
i see smoke
i see blood and loss of hope
brothers peace comes not with swords, but with words

gandalf
i’ve summoned you all here because it nears the end of autumn
and an evil army is forming and their numbers only broaden
elves and dwarves and men now need to form an ultimate squadron

legolas
all’s lost then?

thorin
but bard’s men?

gandalf
oh dear, i forgot them
however, you two must join forces and set aside your quarrels
your sk!lls and mettle shall win this battle, not physics defying barrels
not to mention smaug got out, now esgaroth’s in peril
man middle earth is screwed worse than it was in your misty mountain carol

bilbo
but guess who’s there and back in this
oh, just you know, the protagonist
bilbo baggins’s
verbal bag o’ tricks
rappin’ quicker than you pr-cks could ever smack your lips
now i know you guys are gonna laugh at this
but i might be the one that got the dragon p-ssed
but y’all got the brawn for what you lack in wits
so if we band together we can handle this

orc 1
ooh not a bad shot

orc 2
i barely heard his -ss drop

orc 1
those guys look mad boss

orc 2
come on are you really that shocked?
we slaughter elf and men, dawg
with hardly even a half thought
these fools don’t know what we have got
and look they’ve got a mascot

orc 1
oh hey, the dwarf king
he’s a lot smaller in person
he can’t command without a stool to stand on

orc 2
of that i’m fairly certain

orc 1
he’s weak

orc 2
like his father

orc 1
could use a comb and a shave

orc 2
revenge he seeks

orc 1
are you bothered?

orc 2
not when his head’s on the tip of my blade

thorin
i…

legolas
i will not stand aside
whist you disrespect my bro here
he’s loyal and resolute
like my future late friend boromir
he’s got more particles of manliness within his own beard
he’s braver than his language sk!lls
and yet he does not know fear

thorin
dude!

legolas
i’m the sharpest archer in any book that you’ve flipped through
every generation i’m hip to
do you know how many i’ve lived through?
and i’ve still got the power to split you
and improve your bigger issue
you’re horrid like the son of this dude

gloin
count it!

legolas
woo! that’s two

orc 1
i’m sorry we don’t speak elvish, ma’am

orc 2
but here is our interpretation

orc 1
you’d be a prettier girl

orc 2
with your bow around your head and lacerations

orc 1
this battle’s over, we should go

orc 2
i’m getting bored too

orc 1
just crawl back to your hipster limbo

orc 1&2
and let your wizard fight for you

gandalf (dialogue)
well, they didn’t really leave us with many options, so everyone is cool with me summoning a few eagles? yes?

thorin
no!
i’ve had it up to here with you all
you’ve grown egos with your height
make a spear of your staff
don’t let eagles win your fights
we were not clear so it seems, elf
now let me give you insight
for every necessary beatdown on these punks
i have the only right!
you two! over there!
you make the cutest couple
you’re like tauriel and kili
if you kissed with each other’s knuckles
your faces seem to be
remodeled by a toddler
with a thousand piece puzzle
you both disgust me
with shallower morals
than a hobbit p-ss puddle
but i must admit, i’m also flawed and pr-ne to selfish ways
i brought my men far from their homes
they fought through h-llish days
but my kingdom’s worth defending and my men worth fighting for
so grab your swords
prep your hordes, motherf—ers
i will have war!

galadriel
so here you find
death ahead
did you hear what i just said?
you know what? fine!
i’ll let you be
beat each other senselessly
we will see who lives, my friend
in the end

- the warp zone youtube lyrics

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