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the witch trials - the tazer lyrics

welcome to the showrooms of the los angeles police department
the top act of this year’s fashion show is called “the taser”
ladies and gentleman, hollow points were fun last year
quite entertaining, but now they are obsolete
bleeding#heart liberals complained once too often of bullets
ripping the shreds out of so#called innocent civilians
and we at the los angeles police did not get to shoot as many people last year
so this year we have a new weapon
it draws no blood
it leaves no scars on the skin
ladies and gentlemen, may i present “the taser”

the taser is not a bullet fired from a gun
the taser is a harpoon
and to every moby d#ck we want to bring in in the evening
we simply fire the taser thus
the harpoon attached to an electrical wire
strikes the intended target
and injects just the right frequency discovered through years of testing in our laboratories
to induce a spontaneous epileptic seizure

we think the crime rate will go down accordingly
when it is, when the word is spread
that once you have one epileptic seizure
you could have more at any time
to demonstrate the taser, we have clive
convicted bank robber, part#time child molester
and recently apprehended escapee from the vacaville mental facility
we offered clive a reduced sentence
on the condition that he take part in this experiment
we set clive on stage left
now clive, try to run through the audience to the back of the hall and escape
on the count of three, one, two, three
as you can see, clive’s legs are shackled
so he’ll have a hard time making it to the back of the hall
now officer mcdonald, will you now fire the taser
(scream)

oh dear me, we have hurt a member of the audience instead
secretary, pretty please call an ambulance
oh my god, it’s the head of the fbi
no it’s not an fbi, it’s an assistant
please call an ambulance at once, he’s swallowing his tongue
please, he’s turning blue
see if we can get his jaw open, please see if we can get his jaw open
has anybody got a screwdriver
as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, the taser is very effective
even on persons who are not expecting it
ladies and gentlemen, please stand back, please stand back
give the man some air and somebody call an ambulance
oh good, a screwdriver, see if you can pry his t##th open
see if you can pry his t##th open, darn
alright, take his pulse, get his wrist, get his wrist, get his wrist, please give him some#
oh sh#t

well, our apologies to the fbi, but ladies and gentlemen, as you can see
the taser is 100% effective
we are very sorry, but we will, uh, reimburse the fbi with
the first 100 mod# models of the taser off the assembly line
you can have them for free

- the witch trials lyrics

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