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them hohoho$ - the stanley family christmas roast lyrics

[intro]
seasons greetings!
you all know rudolph the red nosed reindeer right? (yeah!)
and frosty the snowman too? (uh+huh!)
well this is the story of little jenny stanley
and her family christmas roast
ooh

[verse 1]
’twas the night before last christmas
jenny stanley was quiet as a mouse
she set the scene in the dining room table
put the biscuis, and the honey b+tter out
shined her shoes for baby jesus, donned a red velvet hairtie
took her elders coats and hats
with a wicked twinkle in her evil little eye
after papa said the grace, that little sh+t proposed a toast
that was the night that jenny stanley dropped the family christmas roast

[verse 2]
ooh, let ’em have it jenny!
bottoms up to my brother bobby, three weeks sober as of today
for makin’ do with mountain dew because he gets nude on champagne
and give it up for aunt dorita, lookin’ fine since her divorce
daddy said she went from a b to a dd with alimony, and child support
and here’s to cousin millie’s famous gluten+free, dairy+free pie
taste just like b+tthole, but she keeps on givin’ it a try!
[chorus]
stirred the pot, scorched the earth, humble pie, just desserts
cup of cold revenge was served, and then yuletide tables turned
yeah, they all got them a bite, but uncle vern ate it the most
everybody got burned, at the stanley family christmas roast

[instrumental break]

[bridge]
a hush fell over the dining room, you coulda heard a ball drop
the stanely family had barely picked up the jaws off their plates
when a gutteral church giggle escaped the greasy, grey goosed gullet
of vernon p. stanley

[verse 3]
what’s so funny uncle vern? if that’s even your real name
daddy hold my root beer
well three cheers to you and your alligator boots, i bet they look real nice
and that fully loaded caddilac, bass boat on the back, livin’ that rightous gemstone life
you charleton two bit, hillbilly hypocrite, man up and tell the truth
i saw mommy kissin’ santa and he had your same zz top tattoo
then jenny punched a hole in the eggnog bowl, threw the gravy across the room
and yelled “i’ll get you, you old bald son of a b+tch if it’s the last d+mn thing i do!”

[chorus]
stirred the pot, scorched the earth, humble pie, just desserts
cup of cold revenge was served, and then yuletide tables turned
yeah, they all got them a bite, but uncle vern ate it the most
everybody got burned, at the stanley family christmas roast
stirred the pot, smoked some doob, light a match, read the room
little ears are always listenin’, little voices tell the truth
well it wasn’t armageddon, but they all came pretty close
everybody got burned, at the stanley family christmas roast
everybody but daddy got burned, at the stanley family christmas roast
from the mouths of babes

- them hohoho lyrics

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