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tim hawkins - commercial: future hits lyrics

[intro]
narrator: get ready for an unforgettable collection of music that is sure to make your collection of music unforgettable! it’s called future hits! (future hits!)

narrator: [laughter] you know we love to pull out our old albums, cassettes, and cds to relive the hits of the past. that’s why we’ve collected some of the greatest hits of the future!

alien voice: of the future!

narrator: the songs that these aging stars will sing when they get old, such as this onе by tom petty!

[song 1: don’t come in my yard no more by tom petty]
don’t come in my yard no more
you’vе ruined my lawn before
whatever you kids are looking for
hey!
don’t come in my yard no more

narrator: that’s right, these guys ain’t getting any younger, and these songs really show it. but one things for sure, when these guys have one foot in the grave, they’ll have one foot in your heart. here’s a future hit from the who!!

[song 2: who am i by the who]
who am i? who+who, who+who
now tell me who am i?
who am i? who+who, who+who
cause i really wanna know
who am i? who+who, who+who

sound effect voices: future hits! (future hits!) bingo!
narrator: we just had to let you in on this soon+to+be classic from eric clapton:

[song 3: rogaine by eric clapton]
when the day has begun
put some of this on
rogaine
if you got a bald spot
and wanna keep what you got
rogaine
your hairline
it’s declinin’
you shine
rogaine

sound effect voices: future hits! (wow!) they’re hits from the future!

narrator: [laughter] we know our favorite rock+and+rollers are gonna put out new stuff, but we just couldn’t wait! ever wonder what your favorite musicians will sing when they get older? we have! and we’ve compiled some of those hits on one unforgettably unforgettable collection! you’ll hear the police sing “maalox in a bottle”, james taylor’s “fiber and bran”, britney spears’ “oops! i really did it again!”, green day’s “i wanna be an octogenarian”, and one from the village people!

[song 4: aarp by village people]
i got a letter from aarp
i got a letter from aarp
you can do some great things, you can get some great deals
you can have all your meals on wheels
aarp
i got a letter from aarp
sound effect voices: future hits! (yeah!) they’re hits of the future! (wow!)

narrator: we loved some of these bands in the ’70s, and now we can hear some of these bands when they are 70! how about kc and the sunshine band?

[song 5: orthopedic shoes by kc and the sunshine band]
girl, to dance with you is my favorite thing
yeah
but when i hit the floor, i really feel the pain
uh huh, so
i need to put on my, my, my orthopedic shoes
to boogie with you, yeah
i’m gonna put on my, my, my orthopedic shoes
to boogie with you, yeah

sound effect voice: alright!

narrator: sure, we know some of these guys should probably trade in their amplifiers for pacemakers, but not neil diamond

[song 6: jell+o by neil diamond]
jell+o again
jell+o
i always eat jell+o
i love that jiggly thing you do
and you make lunch great
and i can hardly wait
jell+o
sound effect voice: future hits

narrator: did you ever get the feeling that some bands just aren’t ever gonna call it quits? (yes!) well, we get that not+so+peaceful easy feeling all the time. here’s one by the eagles

[song 7: walmart in california by eagles]
on a dark country highway
cool wind in your hair
warm smell of a corn dog
rises up through the air
you see a sign in the distance that says:
“we’re open all day”
and if you walk up to the entrance
it’s where you’ll hear me say

i’m a greeter at walmart in california
yeah, i work the door (yeah, i work the door)
at the superstore
i hand out stickers at a walmart in california
yeah, my vest is blue (yeah, my vest is blue)
and my hair is, too

narrator: sure, they’ll drive slower, but they’ll still rock hard! we’ve got even more heavy rockin’ on this unforgettable collection! you’ll hear lynyrd skynyrd’s “sweet home florida”, steve miller’s “go on, take your vitamin e”, def leppard singing “pour some ointment on me” and this one by guns n’ roses!

[song 8: great+grandchild o’ mine by guns n’ roses]
ooh, i had a child, who had a child, who had a child of their own
sometimes on a sunday, they will come by and visit me at the home
oh, great+grandchild of mine
oh, oh, great grandchild of mine

narrator: so many great songs, and that’s just the beginning! (wow!) by the time you finish listening to every song on future hits, you’ll probably be dead yourself. here’s one more from garth brooks

[song 9: all my friends have hip replacements by garth brooks]
my buddies and me were once wild and free
but now we ain’t doin’ so great
we used to go down and tear up the town
and now we’re all in bed by eight
our parties are fewer, we’re sippin’ ensure
instead of our glass of champagne
now when we get together, we just talk about the weather
and all we ever do is complain

’cause all my friends have hip replacements
’cause we slipped and fell in our garage or bas+m+nt
we’re old and pale
and our bones are frail
yeah, years ago we were stealing bases
now we spend our time having wheelchair races
oh, all my friends
have hip replacements

[outro]
sound effect voices: future hits! they’re hits + (of the future… future.. future… future… future… future…)

- tim hawkins lyrics

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