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tom smith (2) - spoiler alert lyrics

i have a good friend who i talk to a lot
about books or movies or whatever’s hot
but lately she tells me that she’d rather not
just because she ain’t seen ’em when i spill the plot
she says
“spoiler alert, spoiler alert
like too much asparagus spoils your dessert
i want to discover this stuff by myself
i had no idea mr. smith was an elf.”
and he and frodo jump into the matrix, and meet dumbledore the white
and this really hot babe named trinity, who fights vampires with wesley snipes
or wolverine — i can never keep those two straight….
it isn’t my fault i read faster than she
or catch all the previews they show on tv
or download the movies so fast the cops blanch
or hack the computers at skywalker ranch
okay, that one might be a little my fault
she says
“spoiler alert, spoiler alert
sit down and shut up or you’re gonna get hurt
i want to discover this stuff on my own
and it’s hard to strangle you over the phone.”
leia’s his sister, and vader’s his dad
what could i have said that would make her so mad?
norman bates’ mom is dead, bruce willis is a ghost
and jesus comes back three days after he’s toast
one day she came over, grinning with glee
and said “now you’ll know how it feels to be me
i have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof
king kong beats godzilla, and that is the truth
and then kong takes a grappling gun
and he shoots it up at the international sp-ce station
and he climbs up there, and he’s waving his arms around, bellowing
and he’s holding either milla jovavich, tea leoni, or paris hilton in a skintight body suit
(although it’s airless sp-ce so you can’t actually hear him bellowing
and she’s s’d-mn skinny you can’t tell it’s skintight)
and then richard hatch comes —
not the survivor guy but the good one —
and he and starbucks offer kong some mocha chocalatta ya ya
which kong bats away with one swipe of his mighty paw
and so they send up their ancient biplane tie fighters
(which don’t have computers so the vorlons can’t control them)
and they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a zippo lighter factory
and jack black looks down and says
‘it was butane k!lled the beast’.”
spoiler alert, spoiler alert
i was wrong, i’m sorry, check out my hair shirt
i finally get it, i want to stay friends
and so i’m not telling you how this song

- tom smith 2 lyrics

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