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tim minchin – ten foot cock & a few hundred virgins lyrics

so you’re gonna live in paradise,
with a ten-foot c-ck and a few hundred virgins.
so you’re gonna live in paradise,
with a ten-foot c-ck and a few hundred virgins,
so you’re gonna sacrifice your life
for a ride on a ufo,
and when the lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation,
you’re gonna be the first to know.

and so if…
god was there from the very beginning
he invented men and women,
then he also invented w-nking,
then he said w-nking was sinning.
so if i’m feeling randy
i’m not allowed to hand-shandy,
but having s-x with my family,
that is just f-cking great.
it’s all there in ezekial 8,
just before he opens up his big pearly gate,
and says that it’s a sin
to take it up the date,
even if it’s great,
even with your mate.

so you’re gonna live in paradise,
with a ten-foot c-ck and few hundred virgins,
so you’re gonna sacrifice your life
for a shot at the greener gr-ss,
and when the lord comes down
with his shiny rod of judgement,
he’s gonna kick my heathen -rs-.

so if you…
cover the bodies of your women
everybody is grinning,
because black is so slimming,
though it’s not great for swimming.
but it gives you an erection,
with the increased s-xual tension,
what with the u.v. protection
that is second to none.
you’ll find it all in the quran
just next to the bit that justifies guns,
and says that it’s a sin
to take it up the b-m,
even if it’s fun,
even in the scrum.

so you’re gonna live in paradise
with a ten-foot c-ck and a few hundred virgins,
so you’re gonna sacrifice your life
for a shot at eternity,
and when the lord comes down
and i haven’t done my penance,
he’s gonna disembowel me.

you say that…
if i…
stumbled on a watch i’d -ssume it had a watchmaker,
that a m-ffin presupposes a baker,
so you must agree sooner or later,
that this proves that there’s a creator.
so if i put my foot in a stinker,
you’d -ssume the existence of a sphincter,
thus you don’t need to be a great thinker
to coclude that god’s a b-m,
which negates the words of genesis 1
which made him out to be so much fun,
until adam succ-mbed
to temptation,
and then his only son
got nailed to a gum,
or the middle-eastern equivalent,
which suggests that god’s omniscience
is nullified by his ambivilance,
unless it turns out that he’s impotent,
and if god can’t get a b-n-r,
i guess that explains the plethora
of huge erections in his honour –
because we all know a steeple’s just a subconscious compensatory manifestation of a huge stiff p-n-s –
still he tells us that it’s heinous
to stick a p-n-s up your -n-s,
even if you’re famous,
even if you’re good at tennis.

so you’re gonna live in paradise
witha ten-foot c-ck and a few hundred virgins,
so you’re gonna sacrifice your life
for a ride on a ufo,
and when the lord comes down with his big stiff slimy rod of judgement,
i’m gonna be the first to know,
he’s gonna send me down below,
he’s gonna whip me like a little ho,
i’m gonna be the first to go.

- tim minchin lyrics

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