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value select - are you a failure? have a child lyrics

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[narrator]
have you ever wanted the perfect life, with great friends?
a satisfying career?
fast cars?
infinite wealth?
the secrets of the universe?
and other measures of success, like:

owning a jetski?
owning two jetskis?
owning three jetskis?
or owning four jetskis?

have you tried and tried but just keep failing?
is being good at life just too hard?
well, i’ve got the solution for you!

give up! and have a child®. it’s the perfect excuse for why you never amounted to anything!

[max]
heh. if i didn’t have this child, i’d be the president of the moon!

[narrator]
would you really have been, though?

[max]
i guess we’ll never know…
[narrator]
having a child® comes with great perks, like:
feeling morally superior to your busy friends!

[max]
working for the business, huh?
what a hollow existence

[narrator]
and reinforcing your ego as god+king!

[child®]
dad, you’re so smart!

[max]
hey, you don’t gotta tell me twice++ hey, wait a second!
i see what you’re doing, you narrator, you! sounds like you’re saying having a child is a bad thing!

[narrator]
for you? yes

[max]
but why?

[narrator]
you’re not gonna raise a useful human being! this is a pathetic attempt to restart your own life!
[max]
you got me there! i always loved playing third+person video games. now, i get to play one in real life!
come on, you gotta hit those, jimmy! how do you expect to be president of the moon with a swing like that?!
sorry. i have a child®

thanks for everything, mr. narrator!
i have to go now. it’s the end of the sketch
goodbye!

- value select lyrics

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