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victoria wood - funny how things turn out lyrics

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of all the letters that make me ill
the rates, demand, a telephone bill
the ones that bring me really low
are the ones from girls i used to know

the girls at school you didn’t like much
have a terrible urge to keep in touch
those of whom you were not fond
relentlessly wield the basildon bond

remember bobbie field?
i won the drama shield
an enbrel actress and terribly thin
very ambitious, determined to win
auditioned for rada, and didn’t get in
funny how things turn out

i got my equity card
but the life was awfully hard
i advertised cat food for years, which was h+ll
did equus at windsor which didn’t go well
and i asked for my key at the crossroads motel
funny how things turn out

though my kids are three, four and five
i still keep my mind alive
i’ve started to write and i’m making some headway
with humourous verses for radio medway
my faith in myself is still devout
whenever i find i’ve a minute to k!ll
i drive to the hospital up on the hill
and sing lerner and loewe to the mentally ill
funny how things turn out

remember jennifier hill?
i was the first on the pill
a bit of a hippy and into tie+dye
trekked to morocco, got ever so high
then i married a man from ici
funny how things turn out

we moved to tufnell park
with a cat called muriel spark
i came off the pill cause it made me depressed
i hated the cap, and the coil and the rest
so i’ve three in the infants and two on the breast
funny how things turn out

now i sit from dawn to dusk
covered in snot and farley’s rusk
i look back on the days of my youth and my passion
wishing that loon pants would come back in fashion
and wondering what it’s all about

the doctor’s advice has been largely ignored
we did try the sheath but we got very bored
so i’m writing to you from the labour ward
funny how things turn out
remember brenda james?
i was captain of games
i practised all day till my muscles were sore
hockey was super, and boys were a bore
didn’t use tampax till ’74
funny how things turn out

at college i read sport
but socially things were fraught
i refused to have s+x with a man called des
he went around calling me brenda the lez
so i slept with a girl in my hall of res
funny how things turn out

i came out at a lesbians’ ball
didn’t feel glad to be g+y at all
whoever said that, tom robinson was it?
i couldn’t agree, and got back in the closet
then saw the light and had no doubt

i took all my savings and just disappeared
and found a nice doctor who said “you’re not weird”
now i’m jonathan james, with a wonderful beard
funny how things turn out

- victoria wood lyrics

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