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vvardenfell - eisoptrophobia lyrics

[verse 1: vvardenfell]
i barely remember my teenage years, yet they haunt my brain when i’m sleeping
i know i need to move on, but that’s just one more thing that school failed to teach me
now i live the life of a hermit in the middle of civilization
wishing for nothing except that i could slip away into a secret dimension
mother, hear me out, please, there’s so much that i’ve got to say
i feel like a virus, i’m surprised everything i touch doesn’t rot away
i should be seeking solace, can only give you a wеakling’s promise
i don’t even know if i’m bеing self+loathing or if i’m simply being honest
how the f+ck did i turn out this way? nothing in my past is reminding me
of how i’ve reached a point where my own f+cking brain is fighting me
all the time, everywhere, there’s nothing i do that i don’t second guess
i’m a f+cking mess, i’m stuck in an eternal battle without a seconds rest
i’m locked inside this cell of mine, looking at the world but can’t make sense of it
and if this is a successful society, i can’t even imagine the rest of it
i don’t care about anything, it’s better that way, and that’s the gist of it
i use my heart to pump blood, but that’s about the extent of it

[verse 2: vvardenfell]
i’m not a person worth fighting for
just in case you’re wondering why i’m making myself an island for
no matter what i’m facing, it’s overwhelming and leaves me shaking
surely losses won’t hurt as much if i don’t put any stakes in?
spending my life pacing back and forth, with a mind like a horror story
always feeling like the end of the world’s coming for me
i know i should be going places, with energy flowing down through my ankles and boots
but my feet don’t seem to work like wheels, more like anchors or roots
is it just me, or has it been raining more than usual lately?
looking out makes me even more gloomy than it used to make me
an hour away from home and i feel bludgeoned, honestly
i wanna be left alone, cuz that’s the only time i function properly
i still walk those corridors, my hands are sweating and my temples hurt
still followed by youthful, carefree laughter – the most horrid sound i’ve ever heard
i can’t walk away from their pointed fingers, their poison is still covering me
maybe it’s true they were miserable too but i could swear they were smiling more often than me
[verse 3: vvardenfell]
i’m always alone but never lonely, it’s not remorseful isolation that you are seeing
”humans aren’t meant to be solitary.” then maybe i’m not a human being
i’ve always alienated others, and i think it’s an integral part of me
a necessary defense mechanism due to all these ghosts that are haunting me
i’ve always been filled with melancholy, insecurity and sh+tty self+esteem
surprised anyone would be friends with me, i’m my own biggest enemy
doubt and self+deprecating thoughts washes over me like a great flood
sometimes i think my near and dear wouldn’t even like me if we didn’t share the same blood
i always feel like a letdown, no one can ever count on me
and this needs to be said… i need to get this out of me
ever since my childhood, i’ve had to struggle against internal suffering
despite naivety i was genuinely surprised that anyone would stand up for me
it’s true junior high left me shattered, but even before that i was tattered
my mind has always been blackened by a low sense of self+worth that has left me staggered
and whenever my loved ones tell me that they would fight my battles
i think of it as wasted effort… i’ve never really felt like i matter

[outro]
i feel like i don’t belong here, like i am a stranger in my own skin, and i don’t think it’s getting better
is it a coincidence that the more we develop our sense of morality, the more we start to hate ourselves?

- vvardenfell lyrics

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