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whitney jaudian - it wasn't the pills lyrics

i know i’ve hurt you, d+mn i’ve hurt me too
you thought i cheated on you
but i cheated on myself when i married you
it was perhaps my greatest mistake
when i rushed into this marriage
i didn’t think about what at stake
you said i was more than ready at that age

you know i’m grateful for the things you sacrificed
but what you needed was reciprocation
my love for you didn’t suffice
you asked for more affection
how can i force myself to be physical
if my body and soul refuse
the distance between us was astronomical
our spark couldn’t even blow a fuse

i forcеd myself to hug and kiss
but none of it was enough
i was at my pеak, my body resists
with you, i couldn’t laugh
you’re saying it’s because of the pills
why i was never affectionate
your touch doesn’t give me thrills
i was emotion deficit
now you won’t accept my apology
even if i kiss your feet
you said i crossed your policy
like i’m some kind of a cheat
you thought the medicines changed me
it made me blunt and unable to think
i started degrading mentally
that’s what you told my shrink

what more could i do if i stopped loving you?
you said i planned for this to happen
for 8 years you said i was untrue
like i shifted myself all of a sudden
you said you spent millions on me
counted it on my face like i’m indebted to you for life
shall i sleep with you for eternity?
and take care of you as your midwife?

the trips to the emergencies were traumatic, i know
now you’re saying things like you’ll —+ yourself
and you’re angry that i wanted to grow
but i get that this is your cry for help
i reached out to check on your well+being
you shut me off like it was nothing
you’re guilt tripping me instead of moving on
wrote sh+t about me, made me the villain
i forced myself to hug and kiss
but none of it was enough
i was at my peak, my body resists
with you, i couldn’t laugh
you’re saying it’s because of the pills
why i was never affectionate
your touch doesn’t give me thrills
i was emotion deficit

now you won’t accept my apology
even if i kiss your feet
you said i crossed your policy
like i’m some kind of a cheat
you thought the medicines changed me
it made me blunt and unable to think
i started degrading mentally
that’s what you told my shrink

i wish you happiness, that i really do
if only i could repay you, i would’ve done anything
but your condition is my love. you only want my love
and i couldn’t give you that
i would try to give you everything
but my body and love

even the therapist said
that i look happier when we separated
i’m not saying my misery was your fault
but you didn’t make me feel happy either
and no i didn’t find happiness with another man
nor did i ever let myself fall in love with that one
you knew d+mn well where i was or who i was with
i didn’t even have access to the money i’ve earned
because you acted like i was a kid
who needed to be guarded
i forced myself to hug and kiss
but none of it was enough
i was at my peak, my body resists
with you, i couldn’t laugh
you’re saying it’s because of the pills
why i was never affectionate
your touch doesn’t give me thrills
i was emotion deficit

now i feel happy and free
like i could finally breathe
we knew it wasn’t meant to be
cause there’s always a problem underneath
these days i may be struggling
as i had to redo my life
but i can be a big girl again
i never wanted to be someone’s wife

- whitney jaudian lyrics

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