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worm quartet - call me jennifer and steal my stapler lyrics

in the vestibule
near the stained-gl-ss window of jesus trying to eat a ford pinto
there’s a carrot, and a p-n-s, and an eyebrow mangler
choose wisely, bite the spoon-hive
l!ck the mattress, laminate your relatives
try to find a way to fit the word “speculum” into your obituary
i am the salmon master
i am the crouton blaster
i’m only normal in that my -ss has a hole
chalk it up to mommy’s shetlin pony c-sserole
you am a scr-t-m scr-per
you am a walrus raper
keep your mucus in a furnace
blow your nose and try to burn us
and you can’t escape my thermos

(but you gotta) call me jennifer and you can steal my stapler
paint the leaves but it won’t make your elm tree any mapler
arm your credenza but you still can’t fight the urge
to pee in your mountain dew and call it homemade surge
do you really think that it will bring you great success
to leave me emasculated and staplerless
though you dare to call me jennifer
and you dare to steal your stapler
someday you’ll find an octagonal llama in your beard (in your beard)

where’s your vegetables?
are they buried in phlegm at the bottom of a yak aquarium?
are they tasty? are they boneless? are they m-st-rbating? (blaaah!)
moon gandhi, paint your kittens
figure out which condiment you can most easily impersonate
is it mustard? yes it’s mustard! it is so, you lying b-st-rd!
i am the warthog waxer
i am the corn relaxer
blowing my nose on a whitesnake bandana
reading all your anti-string propaganda
you am a lemur p–py
you am an urkel groupie
when you walk along and stumble
kick the chickens as they mumble
put a bookmark in your bunghole

(then ya gotta) call me jennifer, and try to steal my stapler
go to naples, and try like h-ll to make it napler
swivel like a narcoleptic ice cream scoop
write an essay comparing the civil war to pine cone soup
you can tour the brand-new lobster factory
come in the front, and leave through the backtory
if you’re born and raised in syracuse
by a pack of n-z- caribous
then i’m sure, that you can relate to all i say (all i say)

you might say
why not start a cult that worships popeye?
how about cuz popeye sucks?
build yourself a condo in the wilderness
that’s made out of live ducks!
why can’t strudel b-tch and pout?
why won’t bicycles put out?
what’s this stupid song about?

( and why the h-ll do you ) call me jennifer, and try to steal my stapler
if you do weird things with grapes, than can you be called a grapler?
does your mother still collect electric cheese?
do you use prosthetic chipmunk limbs to sodomize rick dees?
when you’re barnlike, do rabid toasters l!ck your hair?
do egyptians all wear wonder woman underwear?
do you have a tampon in your skull?
can i use you as a urinal?
do you fill your shoes with sticks and lard?
do the care bears make your nipples hard?
do you pray to yeast and michael dorn?
do you wish there was sock monkey p-rn?
do you weep whenever you see a homeless pear?
i don’t care!

- worm quartet lyrics

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