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x (random) - my suicide letter lyrics

i put a gun to my head,-
and before i pulled the trigger this is what i said

dear everybody

i don’t think anybody understands me,-
it’s like they don’t see the things that i can see /(can see – can’t see)/

maybe i’m just trippin’ today,-
but for a while i’ve been fallin’ into the darkness of a seemingly bottomless pit ‘n it feels like all hope is just slippin’ away,-

cause it’s hard to”’still go on when stuff,-
just gets harder and i don’t”’feel so stron”’g ‘n tough,-
but i’m f-ckin’ done this sh-t has gone on/i’ve allowed this sh-t to go lon”g enough

-see life’s like a game and i don’t wanna play it,-
but i can’t pause or save it-and i’m so tired of it i feel like i may quit,-
i feel constipated-like life’s full of sh-t ‘n i can’t take it,-
i might as well give up on life i ain’t gonna make it,-
i’m dyin’ to become famous ‘n i wanna put on a real smile i don’t wanna fake it,-
like mike tyson i’m fightin’ for my life,-
everyday is a struggle fightin’ urges just to not k!ll myself with this gun ‘n pen i use while writin’ or my knife,-

‘n i’d be lyin’ if i say i’ve never regretted bein’ born while i’m”’weepin’ screamin’ or ever thought of takin’,-
my own life cause i’m so tired of it i try to go to”’sleep ‘n dream ‘n forever not awaken

but nightmares -ssault my thoughts while i’m sleepin’-and torment my mind while i’m dreamin’-
and my life’s a nightmare so it’s like the only way i’ll rest in peace ‘n,-
feel comfortable is if i die or that’s how it’s atleast seemin’-
cause i’m an insomniac and i’m so tired of life sometimes i wish i’d never wake up or just cease breathin’,-

-a deceased demon’you can find me in h-ll cause i dwell there,-
livin’ on welfare,-i’m wounded inside but i can’t afford healthcare,-
where is the wealth share?-
i feel like i’m dying i’m poor and i need help but they say the idea i’m supposed to earn money myself’s fair,-

‘n i wish i could work but my body’s broke and it feels like there’s almost”’less than nothin’ i can do,-
a lot of people criticize me like they don’t understand what it’s like when there’s a demon inside”’wrestlin’ tuggin’ fightin’ you,-
so they call me a liar but they don’t know the pain or”’stress ‘n strugglin’ i been through,-
i’m so lonely i have low self esteem and no confidants which i could trust ‘n confide into,-

i can’t even trust or turn to ‘n confide in my own family,-
and doctors aren’t even interested in my bullsh-t they just want their d-mn money

‘n my situation’s slowly become like this ever since october 2011,-
my first cross country race ‘n since then i’ve been suspicious of heaven,-
when sh-t just got worse ‘n i realized everything i’ve worked so hard”’to gain is fallin’ apart,-
‘n the stress is all in my head but it feels like”’the pain is all in the heart,-
i was almost out of options until i picked up rap ‘n decided to involve in the art,-
i felt h-llbound,-
i had noone like life alert to pick me up when i fell down,-on my frail ground-
when i moved into my grandmas house estranged mentally ‘n eventually i lost it ‘n went to jail town,-

like my family some people call me a hypochondriac but trust me,-
i’m sick of livin’ in this world it disgusts me,-
sometimes i contemplate k!llin’ myself wonderin’ if this how life must be,-
i wonder if it’s just me,-but see-
-i never had a broad shoulder to cry on,-
i havn’t seen my father and the only one who supported me was my mom
i guess bygones’ll be bygones,-

though my ma and i are constantly brawlin’ ‘n fightin’,- (ma – grandma/mom)
so i keep scrawlin’ ‘n writin’-in my diary bawlin’ ‘n cryin’-

but no matter how much i suffered from the”’fightin’ pressure ‘n struggled with strife”’with my ill mother,-
or”’i endeavored in trouble with life”’i still love her,-
see i’ve always wished i woulda lived a happy peaceful life like some other kid,-
i’ve always dreamed and yearned for someone else to love me and care for me like my(mum)mother did,-
‘n i still remember how i felt about my sister miranda when she died,-
‘n the moments i spent with my mother while we cried,-

but even my mom didn’t understand me and i was godforsaken by an absent dad,-
and somehow i became this demon monster but all i wanted was the happy life i hadn’t had,-
always sad ‘n mad,-‘n actin’ glad when sad,-
i felt like i was too cursed,-
i waited and hoped for the best but in time the pain only grew worse,-
it’s like i was h-llbound since birth so it wouldn’t have mattered if i knew first,-
of the pain i’d have to endure so i speak to you all to prepare you so you””won’t see ‘n go through,-
what i have and people judged me but it p-sses me off when people make -ssumptions about you when they”’don’t even know you,-

they don’t understand real sh-t-or feel it,-
‘n i don’t really wanna appeal to that demographic of people but i still spit,-
the ill sh-t-‘n k!ll it-though i feel like i might still quit,-

cause i just wanna leave this world i don’t fit in or belong here,-
i wanna make this song clear (this song clear)

cause although i’ve been full of ambition i’ma probably leave this world with a bunch of un”’spoken big regrets,-
i never became a famous boxer or rapper or made the world a better place plus i never convinced my mom to quit smokin’ cig”’arettes,-

plus i never apologized to my friends for inexplicably cuttin’ our ties to live recluse cause i became a nerd awkward socially,-
i lost almost everybody who’s ever been close to me,-i look at my life ‘n wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be,-
this isn’t what i wanted but this is who i chose to be,-

like i said i’m unsociable,-emotional,-
‘n i would be so tired of life i wouldn’t even wanna wake up in the mornin’ to go to school,-

cause i was always gettin’ beat on,-
‘n i got sick of gettin’ used by hoes tryin’ to get answers from me for the test they wanna cheat on,-

fast forward to the present i tried to drop out cause physical pain ‘n stress ‘n to me it seemed the people around me were showin’ no care,-
i had no plans for the future i became suicidal livin’ off my mom ‘n it seemed to me like my life was goin’ no where,-
but this is where i’m at now so i feel like it’s pointless for me to go there,-

so anyways back to the past i didn’t see what the point of goin’ to school is,-
is it to acquire an education or to be the coolest,-
cause when i went all i did is go to sleep or get harrased by bullis,- (bullies)
teasin’ me cause i’m a lame kid,-
i just wanted to be popular ‘n famous like these celebrities but i look at them ‘n see what the fame did

‘n right now i’m busy bein’ sick of puttin’ up with bullies that think they’re bad ‘n tough,-
i’ve had enough,-i’m done tryin’ to act glad ‘n bluff-
like my life’s fine always mad ‘n huff,-
life’s just so sad ‘n rough,-
and it only gets progressively worse as if it wasn’t already bad enough,-
i’ve said it once ‘n i’ll say it again f-ck everyone i’ve had enough,-

i’ve had enough of waitin’,-
to die soon this is torture /i’m/ constantly feelin’ bad ‘n suffocatin’,-
slowly dyin’ from anxiety attacks my throat al”’ways is short of breathe,-
i hang onto hopes of goin’ to a better place they call heaven contemplatin’ how i”’may resort to death,-

cause i don’t belong in this world i’m a misfit,-
i didn’t even have a choice bein’ brought here i wish i never existed,-
/i don’t blame anyone but everyone is who i’m p-ssed at…every birthday celebration i ever had dad you missed it/
i wish i could go back to the happier days of my childhood i really miss it,-
i’m tired of life ‘n i’m sick of this sh-t,-
so don’t be surprised if i’m found in a hot water filled tub with my wrists slit,-
i have many reasons to die but just one real reason to live but i don’t wanna list it,-
it’s too late,-‘n i guess now it’s time for me to face my due fate,-
this is the result of true hate,-

and i sincerely apologize to all those i love who may be affected by this please don’t be mad mother,-
and as for miranda i’m sorry i was a bad brother,-
but father you can go to h-ll yeah dad f-ck ya
f-ck you if you didn’t care for me,-
f-ck you if you weren’t there for me,-
f-ck you if you neglected me,-
f-ck you if you expected me,-
f-ck you if you let me down and f-ck you if you never protected me,-
f-ck you if you painfully affected me,-
f-ck you if you never respected me,-
f-ck you if you objected me,-
f-ck you if you corrected me,-
f-ck you if you rejected me,-
i’m a piece of sh-t i say it proudly,-loudly,-
f-ck you if you doubt me,-
f-ck you if you kicked me while i was down,-
f-ck you if you laughed at me like i was a clown,-
f-ck you if you hate me basely,-
f-ck you those of you that made me crazy,-
f-ck you if you don’t support me,-
f-ck you if you try to extort me,-
f-ck you if you treat me like i’m dorky,-
f-ck if you if you don’t show respect for me,-
f-ck you think my raps are corny,-
f-ck you if you don’t feel my story,-
f-ck you if you ignore me,-
and f-ck you if you abhor me,-
f-ck you if you judge me,-i refuse to let any of you haters budge me,-
f-ck you if you’re makin’ -ssumptions thinkin’ you””understand me or(uh)know me,-
if you’re one of these people then we’re done ya can’t be my(muh)homie,-
f-ck everyone i hope you all die slowly,-
f-ck everybody!
yeah f-ck me too!
i’m f-ckin’ done,-
where’s my f-ckin’ gun?- -c-ck it (load) chick chick-
three, two, one
-outro-
goodbye cruel world
sincerely, justin brown -blaow!-

- x random lyrics

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