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zach sherwin - duck i (discovered) lyrics

here’s the plan today:
i’m going to tell a tale in an
expansive way, three parts, but before we start
i’m going to bow my head and fold my hands and pray
“grant i may share my narrative as well as i can relay
an anecdote. help me spread my wings like a manta ray
as superman would say, up, up and away!”
…okay, my friend teaches
at a boarding school about an hour out of santa fe

i went to see him there and on the final day of my
campus stay, he suggested visiting the farm to
see the animals they had living in the barn
this guy, nate, provided a guided tour
he said, “these are our new chickens.”
i asked about the previous batch of birds. he said
“there are these wild dogs living in the hills and they
raided the farm and every last feathered hen was
m-ssacred by those blasted curs
a bloodbath occured! it was nasty and brutish.”
we moved on to the next stall
nate pointed and he said
“that is brutus.”

i looked. there was a duck. he was
sitting on the floor, dirt-packed and dusty
nate said, “he’s the only survivor of the
dog attack. yep, miraculously, not a
single hair on him was harmed.”
that’s not the miracle. ducks don’t have hair
but what this duck did have was b-lls
a gigantic ironclad pair

nate said, “he’ll be dead soon though.”
i asked, “why?”
the duck just sat there
and nate goes
“oh, we’re gonna cook him and eat him.”
what? how is that fair?”

fate had spared this lucky duck
if he were human instead of a creature
he’d become a national hero
or at least a motivational speaker
or a preacher who believed fervently
the eternal had called upon him
to serve a holy purpose
but all the duck was gonna be served was “à l’orange”

brutus: named for a traitor whose heart was
impure and scheming, bruh, but now he was
being betrayed by his human caretakers?
that’s so ironic it could cure anemia
i felt like screaming, ugh
but then i had a thought, kerpow!
a lightbulb flash, an idea
“nate,” i said, “could i sponsor this waterfowl?
could i donate some dough in exchange for you
keeping and lodging and feeding the duck?”
nate said he’d check with the farm director, but was
certain that some agreement could be struck

well, yay! so on my way back to
l.a., i gave the situation some
consideration and decided to insist on
making a deal with three stipulations

one: brutus could never be slaughtered
he’d live in the barn ’til he died of old age
two: each week they’d have to send me a
photo of somebody holding a page of
that day’s paper up next to his face so i
know that he hadn’t been whacked. curtains
and three: i can’t resist closing on a pun
they’d have to change his named to quack sherwin

so i’m patting myself on the back, smirkin’, thinking
“how humanitarian of you.” i even
regaled the friend that i ran into with all the
details of all that i planned to do
but he emailed me the next day and he wrote
quote, “i think that duck having to live until the
end of its natural life with no other
ducks around is going to be rough.”
so i googled it, and sure enough, ducks get
dejected unless there’s a friend. next step was to
send a request to protect and defend him from
harm to the farm director, ben

i wrote

“i hope i’m not too late, but i want to save that
duck at the farm from becoming a meal
ideally, i’d arrange to take it somewhere where it could
live around water and other duck.”

he replied

“hi, zach

thanks for your note. i have called all of
the farm sanctuaries in our area
none of them will take a male duck, because
they are so aggresive. the reason
he was confined in the first place was because
he was beating up our chickens. you are
welcome to see if you can find someone
willing to come and get him. we have fed
him a long time and he’s had a decent life with
us until recently. we planned to
slaughter him soon and eat him unless other
arrangements can be made shortly

thanks, b.”

i had to move quick, be a swift arranger
brutus was in the grip of danger. and don’t be
miffed or angered or flip the ‘fanger’ but i’m
stopping here on a cliffhanger

to be continued….

- zach sherwin lyrics

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