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zdoggmd - readmission lyrics

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now, um, usually i don’t do this but uh….
go on ‘head on d/c ’em with a lil’ preview of the readmit….

now i’m not trying to be rude
but hey chf is k!lling you
lungs congested up with fluid
while my census is 32
that’s why i’m all up in yo’ grill
tryin’ ta get ya to a lasix pill
you must be an hmo
the way you’ll not be payin’ the bill

d/c to home, whoo hoo
pager gimme that beep beep
bouncing right back to the er
crackles, wheezing, edema
why do i rush to d/c ’em

it’s like my 10th readmission
not the sharpest clinician
but i thought a chf patient
oughta eat kentucky fried chicken
sole caregiver’s the son
i’m like, so what he’s 1
there’s a freakin’ picc in
all he had to do was manage the pump

bounce bounce
bounce bounce
bounce bounce back
bounce bounce
bounce back

now it’s like murder she wrote
once i get you out tha’ do’
pcp is screaming “whoa”
and medicare won’t pay no mo’
girl i’m feeling that you’re healin’
i’m just hoping and wishing
all of those bl–dy bms
mean a colitis remission

so gimme that d/c
poo the color of beet beets
bouncing straight back to the er
found down in diarrhea
press ganey score is sub-zero

it’s just one more readmission
no love from the joint commission
’cause my 1-day prednisone taper’s
probably why her colon’s now missin’
d/c creatinine 1
now it’s 7 point something
it’s the freakin’ weekend
who’m i gonna get to place a quinton?

crystals poppin’ on the joint aspiration
i guess i missed colchicine on the med reconciliation
we got swellin’ on the left, he’s flaccid on the right
the inr is 12 so they’ll be paging all night
and after the stroke there’s the aspiration
and after he chokes there’s the intubation
and round about 4 we hit the nurse’s station
and take it to the room for defibrillation

to the unit now, whoo hoo
ventilator goes beep beep
at least he’s off of my floor
don’t need to see him no more
till i’m subpoena’d for court

let’s just prevent readmissions
manage those chronic conditions
need time preparing the handoff
move along to other clinicians
verbal instructions are clear
only if the patient can hear
takes some freakin’ tweakin
if we’re gonna get our peeps to adhere

girl we up on this ward
writing d/c notes
reconciling meds
patients get the heave-ho
bouncing back and forth
a revolving door
to the readmit
we ain’t getting paid for

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