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1994 studio cast of lucky stiff – mr. witherspoon’s friday night lyrics

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[witherspoon, spoken]
three pairs of alligator pumps. check
two pairs of sandal toes in white. right
ten pairs galoshes, for the rain

(sung)
and one shoe salesman
going quietly insane…

another friday night
with harry witherspoon
another perfect evening on its way
i’ll just bet we’re having stew
and my rent is overdue
and i haven’t sold a shoe all day

[he picks up a shoe and begins to talk to it]
behold the perfect life of harry witherspoon
how i would envy me
if i were you!
all the glamour and the fun
and the endless days of sun
and the endless nights of stew
and i’m talking to a shoe!

(spoken)
three pairs of ankle straps in beige. check
two pairs of loafers, trimmed in chrome. check

(sung)
ten million shoes going off on adventures
and one shoe salesman
going home…

i should be strolling along a sandy beach
someplace exotic and bright
i should be dancing
instead of doing inventory on a friday night!

if i were someone else
but harry witherspoon
i swear i’d never sell another shoe
i’d go sailing off to sea
flying through the blue
doing all the things all you shoes get to do
there’d be so many things i’d re-arrange
but witherspoon
your life is not about to change!

-doorbell-
-dogs barking-

[landlady, spoken]
who is it? i don’t want to let the dogs into the kitchen!

[voice outside, spoken]
telegram for a mr. harry witherspoon! is he in?

[landlady, spoken]
telegram? for him?! well, he’s not home yet. but i’ll take it. i’m his landlady. thank you

[spinster, spoken]
evenin’ mrs. mark-m. who was that?

[landlady]
mr. witherspoon
got a telegram

[spinster]
mr. witherspoon
got what?

[landlady]
got a telegram

[spinster]
not a telegram?
that’s impossible

[landlady]
it’s not!
here, look here!
now a telegram
means a tragedy

[spinster]
something horrible!

[landlady]
or grim!

[landlady, spinster]
well, i never thought
of a tragedy
or of anything
ever happening
to him!

[lorry driver, spoken]
evenin’

[punk, spoken, fighting off the dogs]
evenin’

[landlady, spoken]
boys, now then, look here

[landlady, spinster, spoken]
you’ll never guess!

[landlady, spinster, both]
mr. witherspoon
mr. witherspoon
got a telegram
got a telegram
well, you could’ve knocked
could’ve knocked
me flat!

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk, all 4]
why would anyone
why would someone
send a telegram

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk]
to a nincomp–p like that?

[witherspoon]
i should be strolling along a sandy beach
someplace exotic… and bright
i should be dancing

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk]
hold it up to the light!

[harry]
i should be quitting my job
and moving out
i should be waving goodbye
i should start living
before i die!

[spinster]
why on earth would they send it?

[punk]
we could slice it and mend it!

[lorry driver]
he’ll be home any minute

[spinster, punk, lorry driver]
what the h-ll could be in it?

[landlady]
shall i just pry it open?

-tea kettle whistles-

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk]
hmmmm…hmmmm

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk, all 4]
will you have a cup?
i would love a cup
have a lovely cup?
yes, a lovely cup
with some sugar, dear
with some sugar
and cream?
got a lovely pot!
got a lovely, hot
and a lot of steam!
pot of steam

[punk]
better hurry up!

[lorry driver]
hold it over here!

[spinster]
i’m a nervous wreck!

[landlady]
me, too!

[they try to steam the telegram open]

-dogs barking-

[harry, spoken]
fluffy! smokey! let go of my leg!

[landlady, spinster, lorry driver, punk]
mr. witherspoon!
got a telegram!
for you!