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3st – ukulele lyrics

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[brandon]
guys, i need your help!

[saverio]
brandon, quit being a b-tch

[brandon]
no, i’m being serious
i’m in some real deep sh-t!

[mike]
aw cr-p, is your d-ck stuck
in a chinese finger trap?

[brandon]
no!
i met a girl on a superficial dating app

[saverio]
is she hot?

[brandon]
yeah dude! she’s like a nine!
here’s a picture of her

[mike & saverio]
godd-mn she fine!

[mike]
the only way this could be a bad thing
is if you were g-y
and i don’t think you are
so why the h-ll you acting this way?

[brandon]
a little bit of fibbing
put me in this sh-tty position
i might have lied in my bio
and now she thinks i’m a musician
and she thought that i was hot
and she wanted to meet up
now we’re going on a date in half an hour!

[saverio]
he’s f-cked

[mike]
don’t say that!

[brandon]
come on, guys
i came to you for help
you need to make me a musician
i can’t do this by myself!

[mike]
this is a long shot
you’re throwing from half court

[brandon]
mike, you know piano
can’t you just give me a crash course?

[mike]
d-mn it, brandon!
i can’t make a man a pianist like magic
it’s gonna take practice
so we’re gonna have to find the instrument
that you can learn the fastest

[saverio]
something really cheap and easy
that’ll make you seem attractive

[mike & saverio]
and lucky for you
we just happen to have it

[brandon]
the f-ck is that?

[saverio]
it’s called a ukulele
a useful tool of music
to help you seduce the ladies

[mike]
having one of these with you
makes it so easy to score
that with only four chords
h–rds of wh0r-s can be yours
i promise, it’ll work

[brandon]
i don’t know if i believe you

[saverio]
you hear that, mike?
brandon says he needs proof

[mike]
just sit back and relax

[saverio]
we’ll tell you ’bout the time we

[mike & saverio]
took a crazy vacation
to the state of hawaii

[saverio]
so we were sitting on the beach
and mike says to me

[mike]
yo, let’s try to get some booty
from these hula dancing hoochies

[saverio]
long story short: it didn’t go well
the bikini babes see us and they tell us

[bikini babes (mike & saverio)]
go to h-ll!

[mike]
we must be ugly or something
but f-ck it, whatever
let’s hit the gift shop
and something to make us feel better

[saverio]
in the corner of the store
in an orderly display
were some genuine article ukuleles

[mike]
so we paid the man eighty-nine dollars
my hopes of getting laid are fading away
’till i hear saverio say

[saverio]
i’ve got it!
it’s clear that we don’t have enough s-x
but i think that we just bought ourselves
the key to success
so we went back to the beach
to those shawties in the sand

[mike & saverio]
this time with a ukulele in our hands

[mike]
we stood real proud
with our backs to the sh0r-

[mike & saverio]
and we jammed out
to the world’s easiest chords

[saverio]
first chord: all the girls stop and listen

[mike]
second chord: all the girls’ tops go missing

[saverio]
third chord: all the girls get so h-rny

[mike & saverio]
by the fourth chord
we started a hawaiian beach orgy

[mike]
she do the hula on my d-ck
and she ain’t even getting paid

[saverio]
she putting flowers ’round my neck
i’m about to get laid

[mike]
got that p-ssy on a platter
and i’m about to eat up

[saverio]
i go ham on her pineapple
call that a hawaiian pizza

[mike]
didn’t know it was december
it’s mele kalikimaka
and every breast is a present
she letting me l!ck her tatas

[saverio]
got a volcanic erection
it’s flowing over with lava
i’m going nuts for her coconuts
treating me like ‘ohana

[mike]
props to all my lilos and st-tches
pimp game difficult
but i know the cheat codes and glitches

[saverio]
cheap hoes and b-tches
swallow my potential babies

[mike & saverio]
all cause we rolled up
and played the ukulele

[brandon]
holy sh-t, did that actually happen?

[saverio]
well, what can i say?
it’s a gadget of p-ssion

[mike]
it’s the simplest instrument
and it’s practically magic

[saverio]
you could play a thousand songs
without having to practice

[mike]
here’s a paper with a couple written lessons

[mike & saverio]
and we’ll be right behind you
if you have any questions

[brandon]
f-ck yeah!
me and this girl are gon’ get it on!
cut to us sitting at the restaurant

[waiter (saverio)]
bonjour
what would you like order this evening

[tinder girl (morgan lyons)]
i’ll take a tofurkey salad
with very light seasoning

[brandon (overlapping)]
tofurkey salad…
very light seasoning
yup, i want that

[tinder girl]
oh hey!
we ordered the same thing!

[brandon]
yeah, what do you know!
we must be mentally linked
so
what do you do for fun?

[tinder girl]
well, i volunteer a lot
i collect handguns…

[brandon]
wait, what?

[tinder girl]
and in my spare time
i like to watch gdp
what about you?

[brandon]
uh
same!
yeah yeah, i’m totally into that
yeah

[tinder girl]
wow, i’ve never met another person
who was into german dungeon p-rn

[brandon]
yup
i love it

[tinder girl]
so you said that you were
gonna sing a song for me?

[brandon]
oh yeah!
that’s why i brought this thing along with me

[tinder girl]
ooh, how cute, a ukulele!
i’m all ears, so go ahead
what did you wanna play for me?

[brandon]
alright brandon, the moment of truth
a bold soldier on his own
armed with only his uke
do this right
and the girl across the table is your lover
no more hesitations
time to do this mothaf-cka!
ooh yeah
f-ck
sh-t
yeah
ooh-hoo
your eyes
and your
b-tt
f-ck
ju–
fu–
mm
f-ck
your bu–
-cough cough

[tinder girl]
that
was interesting
wait, what’s that sound?

[mike]
ooh uh oh
sh-t’s going down

[tinder girl]
i hear the soft jangling of strings from afar
holy sh-t, that guy has a guitar!

[douchey guitar guy (nathan moore) (underneath following)]
your eyes
and your b-tt
your eyes
and your–

[brandon]
guys, you told me this was fool proof!

[saverio]
but this was unexpected!

[mike]
an unprecedented failure!

[brandon]
but i did what you directed!
i brought the ukulele
and i played the four chords!

[tinder girl]
yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours
how long did it take you to play?

[douchey guitar guy]
you know, couple days

[tinder girl]
ooh, your arms are so big
your so strong

[douchey guitar guy]
oh, well thank you! i lift
i lift b00bs
i mean, weights
all the time

[brandon]
f-ck!

[saverio]
that’s what i call really bad luck

[brandon]
she left me for a guitarist!
i bet he only knows those four chords

[mike]
yeah, he’s probably r-t-rded

[brandon]
what’s the f-cking point
of using datings apps
if you can lose your date
to a douchebag in a beanie cap?

[saverio]
so, what are you gonna do?

[brandon]
i’m gonna go home
and jack off to her profile pic
f-ck that guy