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feldup – death of an illusion lyrics

you left the apartment one day crying
asking if we were gonna let you back in
we said yes but never actually did
’cause i felt a sense of dread
every time i saw a text
every time a memory replayed
every time i saw your face
’cause you admitted one day
that you wanted me to feel the same
you wanted me to feel pain
’cause you weren’t my girlfriend
the mеmories spun in my head
they took a diffеrent shape
you were the only one who liked
this f+cked up game
twist the words we don’t care
you can shift the blame
at the end of the day
i don’t trust a single word you say

and now i don’t know who to trust
i don’t know who to trust

i had a panic attack
i called you late at night
i thought you were gonna
commit suicide
i thought i overreacted
but it was just the seeds
of a tree you had planted
in my head when i wasn’t looking
you sent multiple texts a day
i tried my best to ignore them
but i snapped when
you told me you’d still take the train
when i told you what you had done
you suddenly shifted the tone
“i’ve always checked your consent
and followed your desires and limits” (it’s what you said)
no it’s not a wonderful adventure
no it’s not an enchanted parenthesis
you just imposed a s+xual urge
on a boy that’s barely eighteen
no i won’t accept the apology
no it won’t be that easy
oh you can keep saying sorry
i know you don’t mean it
i stayed in becca’s bed for days
looking straight at the ceiling
i thought about the seventeen girl
you had slept with
so i gathered all the information
and i sent in right to your face
kicked you out of the places
where you could still talk to children
a severed arm in a hospital room that’s the picture you sent
with a constant stream of insults
beneath suicide threats
and on that morning, i contemplated death
alone in my messy apartment
’cause i can act like it didn’t matter
but your texts f+cked me up
your mask was slipping away
you felt so proud of your rape
and i didn’t see through your sh+t
so i covered my ears and i screamed

and i walk because it’s what i’m supposed to do
drawing my pain in the snow with my shoe
and i know there are so many things i should do
but this morning i hear nothing
i hear nothing
i still wake up crying in the night
i try to scream but — i try and i try and i try
and you’re over me, smiling wide
i want to speak and — i want to
but i’m f+cking terrified
and in your head you’re still right
you’re not a rapist or a pedophile
well try your best to rationalize
i hope you don’t sleep at night
and my body fails when i see a text
always finding ways to shift the blame
insulting me and hiding behind tears
’cause you’re terrified of what you did
you still talk to some of my best friends
you strictly forbid me of telling them
so i still can’t warn them openly that
this quirky adult is attracted to teens
it’s something i still can’t tell to you
’cause you go awkwardly silent when i do
i’m gonna make sure you can’t sleep
until you realize what you f+cking did

and i walk because it’s what i’m supposed to do
drawing your face in the snow with my shoe
but i don’t have to talk to you if i don’t want to
’cause this morning i hear nothing
i hear nothing

i drew your face in the snow
hoping it would melt away

- feldup lyrics

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