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jocat – a crap guide to d&d races lyrics

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[intro]
so you picked your cl-ss
hold onto your -ss, it’s gonna get cr-ss
’cause race – part of the role you can play
some sentient clay, a he, she or they
a beast who gets real snarly
and regular dude named charley
if homebrew’s free, a big talking tree
welcome to a cr-p guide to d&d

[verse 1]
aarakocra – a big f-ckin’ bird
you got some wings so you can fly
and if non-weapon melee is what’s preferred
they get sharp talons to b-tch scratch a guy

or maybe you’re more of an aasimar
still avian if you lower the bar
angelic people with radiant energy
or darkness if you flap your wings edgily

bugbears aren’t actually bears at all
more like beastly orcs and just as tall
but oddly sneaky and your arms are long
so you’re freakin’ good at playing basketball

but if going full beast is a little too far
you could always do half and decide to be a centaur
charging the enemy so they can’t readily
get steadily back up while you stomp on them deadily

for the sneaky bunch, the changeling is cool
you make disguise kits a worthless tool
you can change your face to whatever race
there’s nearly no limit on who you can fool

dragonborn – no, not the skyrim kind
are likely the kid of a bard that’ll find
dragons really hot, so now you shoot acid
or whatever other color your parent’s preferred -ss is

the typical dwarf with a beautiful beard
you work with your hands and are physically st-rdy
you seem informed about rocks which is weird
try not to obsess or the sesh’ll get wordy

elves are pompous pr-cks
a dozen flavors to match and mix
they live a long time, don’t sleep, instead trance
and are hard to be charmed, so bards, keep it in your pants

pick a firbolg to be a chill–ss cow
most of which have a druidic vow
and don’t ask how but they can turn
invisible, which is a big concern

genasi – elemental genie b-st-rds
one of four elements that they have mastered
in some way, lets ’em do cool sh-t
like water-bend or have a fire breathing armpit

githyanki and githzerai
elves that look like they wanna die
all they’re about is how they clash
been around fourty years and their lore’s still trash

shortstack (stack, stack, stack) – gnome happy short folk
who are smart and wise and cunning and know how to
crack (crack, crack, crack) into good camouflage
be it sneaking or magic or cool roguish montage

whack (whack, whack, whack) is the goblin
small size, hits hard on your gnoggin’
their nimbleness makes it hard to keep pace
they’ll hide and bide, quick slide and hit your face

muscles are in, though i have bias
so the hottest imo is goliaths
they’re 8 feet tall, have steel for their b-lls
and can shrug off damage like one man riots

half-elves – the mutts and mules of d&d
extra points to spend on two abilities
and sk!lls out the -ss, it’s the best of both races
and backstories usually come from stupid places

half-orc – like i said, muscles are in
you’re a ruthless brute who fights to win
your crits get crits and you can terrify
and if you feel like it, you can say no when you die

if your luck is nasty, the halfling is good
you re-roll ones and win like you should
and you’re hard to scare, so go party with a dragon
and you can slip through if it’s angry off the flagon

humans get a little bit of everything
they lack gimmicks or special flair or any zing
but are all around average you know how it is
and the perfect pick if you’re boring

[chorus]
races, all the races
races, all the races
there’s plenty to choose from, too many, so come
witness the list of this guide to all of the
races (races), all the races

[verse 2]
hobgoblin, they trust in a code
be it god or communism or giant toad
they’re a prideful chode, so whenever you fail
the more watch you retry means you go beast mode

if you’re an edgy avian, the kenku’s sneaky
agile and crafty and can easily lie
they can mimic voices to be a bit cheeky
too bad they get bullied because they can’t fly

the kobold is a mischievous one
they hate bright light and there’s often more than one
and they can trick dumb fools, then steal their jewels
but ganging up together can be pretty fun

guess it’s the scaly hour ’cause lizardfolk
have sticks up their -ss and can’t take a joke
they can bite and craft and stay a while underwater
and have hard–ss scales to block cannon fodder

loxodon are straight up elephants
their large size and thick hide make them dense
got trunks to smell and are wise and mostly merry
but p-ss one off and you’ll see they’re d-mn scary

wanna breath underwater? locathah is a fish
a straight up fish, literally just a fish
your armor starts high and get tons of resistance
but stay dry and you die, you’re still just a fish

big beastly bull is the minotaur
got h-rns to charge if you run pretty far
make them sh-t their pants while you’re at it
being big and scary is a habit, speaking of

orcs, superst-tious and strong
but also often wrong with a minus 2 to int
that’s okay, so to say, you’re aggressive and m-ssive
lotta angry parents means they’re rarely p-ssive

cat girls rejoice, tabaxi is here
obsessed with stuff and quite the sightseer
fast like a cat, get claws and climb far
tons of coats like leopard and tiger and jaguar

tiefling is a demon with a lot of looks
they’re h-rny and hot and often a provoker
in the lore anyway, a lot of hate
it’s normal i guess when you’re a panty-soaker

if you wanna be big and reptilian
who’s strong and hardy, then tortle
has a sh-ll that’s ac is a million
so have fun being a hermit immortal

triton is just an aquatic elf
who evolved itself in the continental shelf
and you’re basically aquaman, fish can understand you
no, they won’t do your laundry just ’cause you demand to

the verdan – like a goblin but pretentious
got some mind powers that’d make mystics contentious
and a buncha p-ssive sh-t, what is this, peace hour?
come back and talk to me when you learn real power

yuan-ti pureblood – like humans but snakey
never make a date with one, i hear they’re flakey
manipulative bunch with magic resistance
don’t take their oral offer, no matter their persistence

a spirit-human mix is the kalashtar
got a lotta mind sh-t that’s really bizarre
like telepathy, dream protectively
like angels if they couldn’t be effectively

the shifter’s like a half-lycanthrope
with four different types with exclusive features
you can’t transform, at least not fully
so you’ll often look more like a freakish creature

simic hybrids are random fusion
of aquatic things like a squid or a crab
gain bonuses depending which ones
so have some big pincers for new ways to stab

warforged – robots forged for war
don’t have to eat or sleep or breath and what’s more
is you’re tanky as well, being hard as steel
the only downside is you’ll never truly feel

vedalken tells us n0body’s perfect
look like na’vi people without the long neck
they get lots of bonuses to smarts, not shocking
good luck ever getting one to stop talking

and that’s the lot and always remember
cl-ss-race importance is pretty seldom
use whatever you fancy, make a chubby fighter dancy
now you know how to pick your race, you’re welcome

[chorus]
races, all the races
races, all the races
there’s plenty to choose from, too many, so come
witness the list of this guide to all of the
races (races), all the races



- jocat lyrics

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