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juice rap news – rn14: higgs boson unbound lyrics

[robert foster]
h-llo, internet! it’s rap news with a brand new edition set
to present views and events in this grand human experiment
and this week we hear of some hugely significant developments
in the search for the ultimate origin of life, the universe and everything
indeed, this evening we’re receiving the very latest prophecy
direct from the top physicists in switzerland at the cern laboratory
who are now about to come out with a major announcement about a tiny discovery:
welcome, doctor scott ridley

[dr scott ridley]
robert, thanks for having me

[robert foster]
will you make a statement?

[dr scott ridley]
this is an epic win!
after decades examining the standard model to explain everything
we finally know what gave m-ss to all the cr-p in the universe
this is the big-bang climax to all of our huge research

[robert foster]
it certainly seems to have caused m-ss-debating…

[dr scott ridley]
can you blame us? we had a hard-on for the hadron
as a way to connect with our makers: the quantum mechanics; our m-ss-ters
we followed the signs they left us: leptons, photons and quasars
big things have small beginnings, and we’re getting close to getting answers to our questions
today’s advances could be the key to unlocking the cosmos and its vast dimensions
our inner-sp-ce-ship, the large hadron collider, will take us higher
than mount olympus, where we’ll finally grab and acquire the divine fire

[robert foster]
what answers do we require?

[dr scott ridley]
well, listen closely
we’ve spent four decades of intense focus, travelling deep into this ocean
patiently thawing out the intricate coding that’s been frozen
all because our storyline was missing a key particle component
to explain how it all holds together for more than a slim moment
without which there’d be no planets, galaxies, life, just endless chaotic motion
so we recreated the prime explosion, eventually exposing
the prophesied and postulated, legendary higgs boson!

[robert foster]
ah, what people call the “god particle”!?

[dr scott ridley]
ohhh, science! don’t call it that, you fool!
our holy boson is not like god at all
that’s heretical. god doesn’t exist, he’s invisible, and theoretical
we have evidence: at the level of 5 sigmata, forget these cults!
we’ve found the m-ss-iah, and genesis; come and check our results
in the m-ss region of a hundred and twenty six gigaelectronvolts!

[robert foster]
so can we see this remarkable object in the depth of your vaults?

[dr scott ridley]
errrr… no. none can see it with their mortal eyeball
only in our mighty temple can we detect its presence p-ssing before
it decays and dies to give life, sacred m-ss, to us all

[robert foster]
we stand in awe; but tell us: what is it all for?

[dr scott ridley]
various practical functions: interstellar travel could become like grabbing a cab at a junction
or we could always make a brand new weapon of m-ss destruction

[robert foster]
actually, i meant, what is our overall purpose though
as a civilisation; what is it we’re searching for?

[dr scott ridley]
i’dunno

[robert foster]
is this big bang story our creation myth to believe in?

[dr scott ridley]
don’t take the p-ss! myth? stop behaving like a heathen in this age of reason, b-tch!

[robert foster]
but what was there before this boson came around?

[dr scott ridley]
silly robert! everyone knows by now: it’s turtles all the way down

[robert foster]
thanks, professor, for coming in this momentous evening
to tell us about anti-matters of life, the universe and everything;
to explain clearly the latest theories in our grand quest for meaning
in which we attempt to tell ourselves what’s real and what’s dreaming
isn’t it easy to forget, as our odyssey continuously unfolds
that the answers which the universe eventually elects to disclose
appear to depend entirely on the questions we pose?
…that’s it for the show. see you all for more next episode

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