mr. master – goldie lookin’ chain lyrics
[prod. by mr. master]
[intro]
i had constructed a special costume for the occasion
[verse 1: mr. master]
we’ve got a show for you tonight that’s so strange
that when you go back home, your furniture will all be rearranged. step right up
prepare yourself for the ride of a lifetime
for the low low price of.. high high actually. but there’s free wifi
the name of the network is cedars sinai
and the p-ssword is desiiiiigner with five is
before you log in
if you don’t know what the net neutrality rules are
your internet is not slow. you are
wonderful show tonight
i will be your host for this evening
saying a bunch of long words regardless of if i know the meaning. colonoscopy
you’ll be dazzled by what’s in store
like the man who can read a whole book and not get bored. what?!
the strongman’ll stun you with such feats
as being able to eat an entire pizza using only his t–th
and if you’d like to help support all of our acts
we’ve got commemorative
“all i got was this shirt” shirts in the back
when i was a kid, i was always searching for my purpose
and i knew i finally found it when i went and joined the c-
armed services but i got discharged so i joined the circus
now, i twist balloons and i make children scared!
i’m a stowaway, riding on this train across the country
touring city after city hoping people think i’m funny
and if not, it’s fine, they already paid me my money
i’m just here to do my job
you can boo for all i care!
but, like, don’t
when i say that the show’s amazing
i mean there’s a bear who can juggle on a unicycle
and say things in russian
the clown prince with the handling
to slip on a banana and stick the landing
[verse 2: mr. master]
alright, by show of hands
how many people in the audience have seen the footage
of ricardo lopez’s suicide? anybody? anybody?
the footage of bjork’s stalker from 1996 committing suicide?
anybody seen this footage?
i got a whole bit about this footage, you’re gonna love it. anybody?
really? i’m the only one who’s seen this footage?
‘scuse me, yeah, we’re gonna have to exchange this audience
with an audience of only people who have seen
bjork stalker ricardo lopez’s video diaries
alright, everybody stand up. stand u-
y’all think i’m playin’ around! no, if you haven’t seen the footage
get up, get out of the building
the production team is gonna find us a new audience
i don’t care how you do it
just go out on the street right here! ask people on the street
just be like, “hey, my fellow american!
do you remember when bjork had a stalker?
it was 1996- yeah!
did you happen to see the recording of his suicide?”
and if they say yes, bring them here
i don’t care who you get
criminals, homeless people, children
look, what i’m trying to say is, if
by chance they have seen the footage
of the suicide of bjork stalker ricardo lopez
i’ve got a whole bit about this footage, they’re gonna love it
[verse 3: mr. master]
tonight’s special guest, live in the flesh
is scientist neil degr-sse tyson
here to discuss his lifelong regrets!
mr. master is here! as musician and host
alongside a celebrity dais to roast
your pseudo-motivational quotes
hot air. you choke
homeboy got up onstage tryna share a few jokes
not everyone floats
you either make it or you don’t
i’ll tell you your fate when america texts me its vote
after this word from our sponsors
brought to you by big marijuana
insider trading and outsider trauma
loony bun fine benny lava
vivid in technicolor
side by side comparison of
nuremberg and the menendez brothers
all that and more for the cost of a feather duster
think of a number. any number
got it. seven. wonderful. moving on
fantabulous weather we’re having in sunny los angeles
i hope to get a star on the hollywood walk
so i can one day have my name stomped on by tourists
on second thought, just give me a small plaque in northridge
with my admission date on it that says
“this university was so boring before this.”
back to our regularly scheduled euthanasia appointment
humor made of porcelain
but nowhere near that toilet sh-t
it’s much more poignant
i just flipped a coin in a pond of koi fish
and contaminated the population with copper poison. whoops!
picture me doing a product endors-m-nt
trying not to force it. i’d look like a pork roast to these poor kids
they touch the tv, wanna be me when they grow big
but if they don’t, that’s showbiz
[outro]
come now
you’ve never read an actuarial table in your life, have you?
why, they’ve got ten volumes on suicide alone!
(booing)
suicide by race, by color, by occupation, by s-x
by seasons of the year, by time of day
suicide, how committed:
by poison, by firearms, by drowning, by leaps
suicide by poison, subdivided by types of poison
such as corrosive, irritant, systemic, gaseous
narcotic, alkaloid, protein, and so forth;
suicide by leaps, subdivided by leaps from high places
under the wheels of trains, under the wheels of trucks
under the feet of horses, from steamboats!
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