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mzm – scatterbrain lyrics

lemme try to keep it simple
this instrumental is here to give my mental
so if you want suspenseful
just go to the end of all of this (and what?) ask yourself what it meant to you
i see it as prevention, a race against me
a self intervention, mirror face against me
i have my own struggles and pain, like all people do
but different how it’s processed, and what it equals to
when you see the surface, and scratch in here
you’d never know the issues that was stashed in here
i became numb, everyday im desensitized
engraved, memorized, and stayed compartmentalized
hide behind a smile, cover up, jokes away
never shared my cards dealt, i stayed with a pokerface
kept to myself, my circle didn’t know this
’06 eviction notice, with that time spent homeless
my faith was in the gutter, but i’m starting to believe again
god puts people in your path, when you needing ’em
shout out to hex, everytime i talk to him
in my head i’m sending prayers up for him to walk again
when i get to see him i see my own truth
he’s in a wheelchair with a smile, so what’s my excuse?
cause this whole time, i act like i can’t afford to be
havin inner peace, like it ain’t awards to me
y’all saw i was fine, but never saw inside of him
and you never saw me in my thoughts after 9pm
think ’bout dad when we spoke, did i mention
he took his last breath before he could finish that sentence
everyday i wonder what he was gonna say to me
or was it so his memory would always just stay wit me
we won’t live forever, i get that, i know what’s up
i just wish he ain’t leave when we started to open up
and have man to man talks, would he be proud
i wish he could see the growth and see me now
as much as god gives, god takes, i don’t get
i know it’s a test, why can’t we be equipped
not sure if i’m supposed to ask or have opinions
but i’m a human, with a brain, so nah, i’m not a minion
but grateful for what i have, grateful for family
grateful for them years spent with my auntie annie
she was my second mother, brought me home from the hospital
helped support us, got us past obstacles
last time i saw her, it was hard to look at her
so lemme get this off of my chest; f-ck cancer!!
meds ain’t do sh-t, chemo wasn’t working
became a whole different person, you could tell she was hurting
still made jokes, being funny for me
still reaching for her purse givin money to me
her last words to me kept me from combusting
cause i was young, i was savage on a path of destruction
i turned 19 on the day she died
birthday’s ain’t the same, she remains in my brain
i never shed a tear though i was hurt, how?
sharing this with you is causing waterworks now
odds against the kid, tryna be in society
progressive depression mixed with anxiety
doc gave prescriptions, said to put my mind at rest
it caused new symptoms, dealin with the side effects
lemme tell you what goes on in my head
lemme talk to you about my cousin ahmed
older than me, big brother that i never had
schooled me when i f-cked up, and nah, he was never mad
march 2010, i’ll never forget the day
got the call he was dead, but ain’t know he decayed
racing to his crib, thoughts race inside of him
asked to identify him, i’m barely recognizing him
gone over a week now, in his bed decomposed
to this day, the dead body smell’s stuck in my nose
autopsy said his heart stopped working
but lemme tell you what puzzles me
he was active and healthy, in better shape then i am, so when i do the d-mn math, that troubles me
he was 38 so here’s where my thoughts off
in my head i’m scared cause that age ain’t too far off
i worry bout my mothers health, here’s what i think, sh-t
lemme stop talkin, i don’t wanna jinx it
speaking of my mother, wish there wasn’t so much sacrifice
i wish that she would just be satisfied
no matter how hard i try, she demands more
and i guess that’s good cuz it shows me what i stand for
cause i forgot, like that time with a bullet
gun off safety but couldn’t bring myself to pull it
self shooting range, target under my chin
not going back, i’m not running again
angels watching over, bigger things meant for me
cause i forgot that do not disturb sign in tennessee
foolish when i thought i couldn’t take no more
i rebuilt myself and i won’t break no more
and in my current mind, with a push i can agree
the way i went about it all was p-ssy to me
these all immediate, what about my friends p-ssed
i don’t talk about it much, i’m stuck at an imp-sse
so i got thoughts in my head that be runnin’ through
been around death so much, graveyards are comfortable
i wear my heart visible like badge of honor
but these hoes come and shatter the armor
2010, c-cky, superficial, it was obvious
money coming in and i was dating this model b-tch
i talked bout the story, but here’s what happened with that
she was pregnant and aborted, told me after the fact
bury that fatherhood dream and got the shovel out
now won’t f-ck a b-tch unless i nut in her mouth
baggage in my head, and i haul it with a troubled camper
so now the way i treat women is a double standard
cause my oldest niece is grown and if a man did that stuff
to her, i have no choice, i would f-ck his -ss up
sh-t i say to them, you’d think they be offended
i share my heartbreak then they wanna mend it
see my grey hairs then they wanna pretend it’s
not caused from stress so they say it’s distinguished
borderline socio, so i stare at ’em cynical
then they get mad when i’m over -n-lytical
women that i talk to, i wonder what they here for
cause i’ll tell em the truth then they wanna hear more
admit i’m f-cked up then they wanna be near more
treat ’em like sh-t but then they just appear more
shoot me a text to not call em again
and mad that i didn’t, so they callin again
callin’ me names, i’m deciding what to make of it
so i just ignore her, then she feels a way with it
some said they want more, offered a relationship
i gave ’em all i had, but then they ran away from it
wonder what the cause is, could it just be me
if this were trophies, i’d have a three peat
then they try to say that men ain’t serious
so what she think i was, tell me cause i’m curious
you don’t know urself, so how you gon’ define me
still got a ring in my dresser to remind me
can’t trust a b-tch who ain’t got read receipts on
2016 and that’s the sh-t i gotta think on?
as the world turns, gotta focus on what’s meant for me
i share my pain, hope to heal, not for sympathy
surrounded by darkness and it comes to visit me
every so often, wit my brain to make a symphony

- mzm lyrics

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