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no coast rap battles – diggy splash vs. heir jordan lyrics

[verse 1: heir jordan]
so it’s a christian versus the messiah, y’all probably think it’s suicide
but i have a feeling this one won’t be coming back once he gets crucified
now y’all probably think i got hatred for jesus’s impersonator
but in reality, this battle’s really me and diggy versus the haters
see, some say he bites mitch hedberg and jesus
if that’s what y’all thought, you’re a dunce
it takes real comedic g*nius to steal two personas at once
see, he’s a comedian, rapper, actor, and tv host in state
plus a singer, drummer, guitarist, and promoter of late
see, i mastered rap, but that was just a focus mistake
why master one thing when you can be incredibly mediocre at eight?
see, y’all probably asking why he’s gonna be my latest battle victim
’cause diggy’s famous in this town for making bad decisions
i don’t really care if you say your father’s divine
but then i asked this hipster to turn water to wine
instead, this wax dude spittin’ turned it to pabst blue ribbon
that hipster beer sucks, that’s where i’m drawing the line

[verse 2: diggy splash]
how you gon’ be rosy cheeked and you don’t even drink?
you look like you from a commercial for some ovaltine
and every time you drink it you say “golly gee”
“this sh-t is so rich and chocolaty”
and your mama – psst, don’t tell him it’s full of vitamins
don’t even look like a rapper, you look like a norwegian
you should give up rap and try yodeling
i’m too pretty for rap, i should be modeling
and in your sister’s room there’s a f-cking poster of me
and when she goes home and starts feeling lonely
she looks at my picture and she starts stroking the thing
this virgin may not know what that means
it means when she gets home she thinks of boning me
you’re not the heir, jordan, god has chosen me
i’m everything that you could ever hope to be
i’ll make this f-g wish i was holding him closely
and slow kissing without our eyes closing
did i say the thing about the groceries?
for you f-gs that don’t know me
i’m new jesus, and my favorite food is soylent green

[verse 3: heir jordan]
all right
i will out-deliver you, then out-hipster you
no, wait, i’ll just out-deliver you, ’cause really, who am i kidding, dude
so y’all better watch, man, i’mma throw him out the window when i’m through beating him
that mean i will ozymandias him just for being a comedian
if this joker get me ticked off, see the outline of his bod
written in chalk on the brick walls of the improv
diggy, get lost, ’cause i’m sick of all this enjoyment
time’s up, homie, get lost, leave him dead, stocked in a box, tied up
that’s just how i get my kicks, dog
get it, that’s just how i get my kicks?
slow it down for your benefit
leave him dead, stocked in a box, tied up
shoes, kicks, are you getting it?
yeah, kid, just imagine a [?] kid would get what i meant with
he is snack food, finish him, somebody better bring me my dinner in
oh, shoot, uh, forgot why i was going in again
got distracted by this crackhead, somebody better bring me my ritalin
i’m better, i’m the professor with these lessons i administer
it’s funny how he really can’t rap when he’s claiming that he’s the deliverer
so if little mister uncool meets sun-tzu it’ll mean war
that means i’ll leave him unglued with a one-two in three, four
imma teach now, imma preach now, so this beatdown’s how i minister
imma make my mark on history, that’s a different time signature

[verse 4: diggy splash]
word on the streets, you still got your virginity
since i’m your heavenly father, let me tell you about the birds and the bees
soon you’re gonna grow a little fur on your cheeks
then you gon’ get a little hair down around where you pee
then you gonna start talking nervously
whenever you meet a nice lookin’ girlie
and you become too concerned with her teats
one day you gon’ get her up under the sheets
and you’ll think that everything is going wonderfully
next morning you’ll wake up and it’ll burn when you pee
few months later, b-tches start rocking maternity
your lady, she’s taking a second maternity leave
and you wonder why your life’s going so miserably
then you gon’ turn to the sky and say “jesus, help me turn a new leaf”
i say, “quit b-tching, f-ggot, i’m f-cking your sister in the -ss crack”
i splash that

[verse 5: heir jordan]
all right
diggy splash needs a freaking bath
your hippie swag, it gets me mad
i’m ’bout to dip his stache in chicken fat, liquid gas
flick a match, whiskers catch frickin’ fast
face’ll turn to crispy ash
then we’ll all watch diggy ask to borrow little timmy’s mask
you must be hitting bongs awfully, you look pretty gone, papi
every doctor has sworn that you’re partially deformed
because either pippi longstocking has started tripping on oxy
or the guitarist from korn started starring in p-rn
my crew brought biblical heat, we been on the battle path
call me moses ’cause my staff will split splash in half
you saying that you’re jesus, well, homie, that’s ether
we shoot out your legs, ironically we blast femurs
see, that jesus hair, that’s a trademark, it’s been giving him some luck
but tell me what would happen if you went to get it cut
you’d be a mitch hedberg wannabe who isn’t getting much
without swagger-jacking jesus, you’re a gimmick and you suck
i follow christ, but without him you’d be crippled, you’d be stuck
so now who’s the one using my religion as a crutch?

[verse 6: diggy splash]
by the end of this, you’ll be sucking my satan d-ck, cracker
screaming “f-ck jesus, i’m a f-cking atheist”, cracker
i love the world, you a f-cking patriot, cracker
you proud to be an american, cracker
you never seen something this radiant, cracker
donuts are giving you a radius, cracker
i didn’t die on the cross to be saving this cracker
i’m on some f-cking zionist sh-t, b-tch t-ts
i’m the sh-t the f-cking mayans predicted, b-tch t-ts
i’ll make you f-cking deny your religion, b-tch t-ts
and have your whole crew begging for forgiveness, b-tch t-ts
your jesus is dead, but i’m still living
soon you gon’ understand the new jesus is risen
since i’m your new jesus, i’ll be your new friend, give you some advice
your flows – my hair’s in my eyes
your flows are too robotic and nerdlike
i looked you up on youtube and closed caption got all the words right
he tries to be my son, but i can’t stand for him
’cause i know this b-tch is gonna vote for santorum
he got some f-cking nickelback on his pandora
thinks it’s a terrorist attack when someone lights a menorah
think about that sh-t on the way back to florida

- no coast rap battles lyrics

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