open mike eagle – dark comedy late show lyrics
[intro: open mike eagle]
we have a f-ckin’, uh, incredible show for you tonight
pardon me for saying “f-ckin'” on network television—
i’m not gonna have this job for long—it’s exile!
it’s me, it’s you. these are our guests
let’s go. yeah
[open mike eagle]
i gave up and became a spotify-er
paying myself a fraction of a penny playing “qualifiers”
i’m looking up and i’m stuck in a chucky movie
saying yucky sh-t for chuckles like it’s lucky louie
so somebody better cancel me
before i get a chance to screen this -ss-naked dance routine
it’s dark comedy, cold as a soldier’s stare
i’ve been exposed, so now the lols is my over-wear
and i’m a polar bear with words for a fancy song
i think it’s the first verse from little miss can’t be wrong
f-ck you, i like the spin doctors
is that dude finn’s father or just an impostor?
the new internet thing’s to be pretend awkward
non-prescription, thick-rimmed frames and rented gym lockers
i’m a rapper, we lament being broke
all the comics get money, but they spend it on c0ke
you can watch us on the newsfeeds
f-cking y’all’s mornings up
until america admits that it likes dogs more than us
and i can see the super bowls of the future:
the ferguson blacks vs. missouri state troopers
the privacy rights vs. the personal computers
concussion researchers vs. university boosters
i graduated college, i purchased all the extra books
i’m supposed to be living in a house with a breakfast nook
joke’s on me, though
all this cheap alcohol and no c0ke zero
ashamed how proximity k!lls yo heroes
hey, yo, no poking, i’m still woke, cee-lo
yeah, it’s all ripped from the headlines
i’m all outta options like a crip on the red line
i got a deadline, before i never had a deal
stormed out of business meetings, slipped on m-ss banana peels
i should probably shut my stupid mouth
shirtless in a fur hat and vladimir putin pout
and north korea’s got practice missiles
and i still check yahoo cause we both got attachment issues
our congress moves just like a cult could
invade iraq 15 times in my adulthood
and we quit asking for the reasons
and clicked the const-tution’s terms of service agreements
we’re dreaming from sundown to high noon
and woke up by u2 albums all in your itunes
and it’s close to a all out war
with kids being murdered just for being black and tall outdoors
they respond to demonstrations wearing kevlar briefs
when the main problem is n0body respects our grief
they say if it bends it’s funny, if it breaks it ain’t though
i still got broke pockets and trying to host the late show
recording it every night, but i don’t know where the tape go
homeless fashionistas tell me everything that they know
yeah, you got a style
tie them fancy sandals up, smile
you on the nsa’s candid cameras, now
i’m in a church bas-m-nt learning shotokan
i saw jesus taking a selfie and i photobombed
and dude better tag me
a little recognition makes me do better gladly
like this one time when i got booed at a track meet
in a h-llfyre club sweater for two letter athletes
one for regret dreams, one for most suppressed team
pressure valve gets released and sprays like a jet stream
karl kani’s and z cavaricci’s from chess king
k-mart name brands were the least interesting
i appreciated presidential speeches on the west wing
i never had wet dreams or piloted an x-wing
i’m still terrible at being sarcastic black
my man exile, he knows what i’m laughing at
my man toy-light, he knows what i’m laughing at
the studio audience knows what i’m laughing at
[outro: open mike eagle]
laughing at all types of sh-t
i laugh at, um, cnn. i don’t know why
that might be an issue; that might be a problem actually
it’s not, it’s not a humorous channel, you know what i mean?
it’s not trying to compete with comedy central
if anything, it’s trying to compete with headline news
which i’m pretty sure is like the same company
or it’s trying to compete with, uh, msnbc kinda
msnbc is blue and to the left
cnn is red, white, and black, and in the middle
and fox news is bright red and hollerin’, and on the right
and there’s an elephant and a donkey
and then an eledonkeyphant. a donkaphant
uh, a h-lladonkaphant. sh-t
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