shrek – the entire lyrics
shrek: “once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. but she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. she was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire+breathing dragon. many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. she waited in the dragon’s keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love’s first kiss.” [laughing] like that’s ever gonna happen
[paper rustling, toilet flushes]
shrek: what a load of++
[toilet door slams]
[♪ all+star by smash mouth playing]
steve harwell: ♪ somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, i ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. she was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an “l” on her forehead. the years start comin’, and they don’t stop comin’, fed to the rules and i hit the ground runnin’, didn’t make sense not to live for fun. your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. so much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets. you’ll never know if you don’t go, you’ll never shine if you don’t glow. hey, now, you’re an all+star. get your game on, go play. hey, now, you’re a rock star. get the show on, get paid. and all that glitters is gold, only shootin’ stars break the mold. it’s a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you’re bundled up now, but wait till you get older. but the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. the ice we skate is gettin’ pretty thin, the water’s getting warm so you might as well swim. my world’s on fire, how ’bout yours? that’s the way i like it and i’ll never get bored. hey, now, you’re an all+star. ♪
[shouting]
steve harwell: ♪ get your game on, go play. hey, now, you’re a rock star. get the show on, get paid. and all that glitters is gold, only shootin’ stars break the mold. ♪
[belches]
villagers: go! go!
[record scrating]
steve harwell: ♪ go. go. go. hey, now, you’re an all+star. get your game on, go play. hey, now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid. and all that glitters is gold, only shootin’ stars break the mold. ♪
villagers: think it’s in there? all right! let’s get it!
villager 1: whoa. hold on. do you know what that thing could do to you?
villager 2: yeah, it’ll grind your bones for its bread
shrek: [laughs] yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. now, ogres++ they’re much worse. they’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin
villager 3: no!
shrek: they’ll shave your liver. squeeze the jelly from your eyes! actually, it’s quite good on toast
villager 3: back! back, beast! back! i warn ya!
[gasping]
villager 3: right
[roaring]
[shouting]
[roaring]
[roaring continues]
[shouting continues]
shrek: [whispers] this is the part where you run away
[gasping]
shrek: [laughs] [laughing] and stay out! “wanted. fairy tale creatures.” [sighs]
guard 1: all right. this one’s full. take it away!
[gasps]
guard 2: move it along. come on! get up!
captain of the guards: next!
guard 3: give me that! your flying days are over
captain of the guards: that’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. next!
guard 4: get up!
captain of the guards: twenty pieces
guard 5: come on!
[thudding]
guard 6: sit down there! keep quiet!
bear: [crying] this cage is too small
donkey: please don’t turn me in. i’ll never be stubborn again. i can change. please! give me another chance!
old lady: oh, shut up!
donkey: oh!
captain of the guards: next! what have you got?
geppetto: this little wooden puppet
pinocchio: i’m not a puppet. i’m a real boy
captain of the guards: five shillings for the possessed toy. take it away
pinocchio: father, please! don’t let them do this!
captain of the guards: next
pinocchio: help me!
captain of the guards: what have you got?
old lady: well, i’ve got a talking donkey
[grunts]
captain of the guards: right. well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it
old lady: oh, go ahead, little fella
captain of the guards: well?
old lady: oh, oh, he’s just++ he’s just a little nervous. he’s really quite a chatterbox. talk, you boneheaded dolt++
captain of the guards: that’s it. i’ve heard enough. guards!
old lady: no, no, he talks! he does. [moves donkey’s lips] i can talk. i love to talk. i’m the talkingest d+mn thing you ever saw
captain of the guards: get her out of my sight
old lady: no, no! i swear! oh! he can talk!
donkey: [gasps] hey, i can fly!
peter pan: he can fly!
pigs: he can fly!
captain of the guards: he can talk!
donkey: ha, ha! that’s right, fool! now i’m a flying, talking, donkey. you might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but i bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. ha, ha! uh+oh
captain of the guards: seize him!
guard 7: after him! he’s getting away!
[grunts, gasps]
guard 8: get him! this way! turn!
captain of the guards: you there. ogre!
shrek: aye?
captain of the guards: by the order of lord farquaad, i am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility
shrek: oh, really? you and what army?
[gasps, whimpering]
donkey: [chuckles] can i say somethin’ to you? listen, you was really, really somethin’ back there. incredible!
shrek: are you talkin’ to++ me? whoa!
donkey: yes, i was talkin’ to you. can i tell you that you was great back there? those guards! they thought they was all of that. then you showed up, then bam! they was trippin’ over themselves like babies in the woods. that really made me feel good to see that
shrek: oh, that’s great. really
donkey: man, it’s good to be free
shrek: now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? hmm?
donkey: but, uh, i don’t have any friends. and i’m not goin’ out there by myself. hey, wait a minute! i got a great idea! i’ll stick with you. you’re a mean, green, fightin’ machine. together we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us
[roaring]
donkey: oh, wow! that was really scary. if you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ’cause you definitely need some tic tacs or something, ’cause your breath stinks! man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time++ [mumbling] then i ate some rotten berries. i had strong gases eking out of my b+tt that day
shrek: why are you following me?
donkey: i’ll tell you why. ♪ ’cause i’m all alone. there’s no one here beside me. my problems have all gone, there’s no one to deride me. but you gotta have friends++ ♪
shrek: stop singing! it’s no wonder you don’t have any friends
donkey: wow. only a true friend would be that cruelly honest
shrek: listen, little donkey. take a look at me. what am i?
donkey: uh++ really tall?
shrek: no! i’m an ogre. you know. “grab your torch and pitchforks.” doesn’t that bother you?
donkey: nope
shrek: really?
donkey: really, really
shrek: oh
donkey: man, i like you. what’s your name?
shrek: uh, shrek
donkey: shrek? well, you know what i like about you, shrek? you got that kind of i+don’t+care+what+n0body+thinks+of+me thing. i like that. i respect that, shrek. you all right. whoo! look at that. who’d want to like in a place like that?
shrek: that would be my home
donkey: oh! and it is lovely! just beautiful. you are quite a decorator. it’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. i like that boulder. that is a nice boulder. i guess you don’t entertain much, do you?
shrek: i like my privacy
donkey: you know, i do too. that’s another thing we have in common. like, i hate it when you got somebody in your face. you’re trying to give them a hint, and they won’t leave. there’s that awkward silence, you know. can i stay with you?
shrek: uh, what?
donkey: can i stay with you? please?
shrek: of course!
donkey: really?
shrek: no
donkey: please! i don’t wanna go back there! you don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak. well, maybe you do. but that’s why we gotta stick together. you gotta let me stay! please! please!
shrek: okay! okay! but one night only
donkey: ah! thank you!
shrek: what are you++ no! no!
donkey: this is gonna be fun! we can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’ i’m makin’ waffles
shrek: oh!
donkey: where do, uh, i sleep?
shrek: outside!
donkey: oh, well, i guess that’s cool. i mean, i don’t know you and you don’t know me, so i guess outside is best, you know. [sniffles] here i go. good night. [sighs] i mean, i do like the outdoors. i’m a donkey. i was born outside. i’ll just be sitting by myself outside, i guess, you know. by myself, outside. ♪ i’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me. ♪
[bubbling]
[sighs]
[creaking]
shrek: [sighs] i thought i told you to stay outside
donkey: i am outside
[clattering]
[clattering]
mouse 1: well, gents it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
mouse 2: it’s not home, but it’ll do just fine
gorder: what a lovely bed
shrek: got ya
gorder: [sniffs] i found some cheese
shrek: ow! [grunts]
gorder: blah! awful stuff
mouse 1: is that you, gorder?
gorder: how did you know?
shrek: enough! what are you doing in my house? [grunts] hey!
[snickers]
shrek: oh, no, no, no. dead broad off the table
dwarf: where are we supposed to put her? the bed’s taken
shrek: huh? [gasps]
wolf: what?
shrek: i live in a swamp. i put up signs. i’m a terrifying ogre! what do i have to do to get a little privacy?
wolf: aah!
shrek: oh, no. oh, no. no! no!
[cackling]
[cackling continues]
shrek: what?
girl: quit it. don’t push
[squeaking]
[lows]
shrek: what are you doing in my swamp? [echoing] swamp! swamp! swamp!
[gasping]
fairies: oh, dear!
dwarf: whoa!
shrek: all right, get out of here. all of you, move it! come on! let’s go! hapaya! hapaya! hey!
dwarf: quickly. come on!
shrek: no, no! no, no. not there. not there
dwarf: oh!
[sighs]
donkey: hey, look at me. i didn’t invite them
pinocchio: oh, gosh, no one invited us
shrek: what?
pinocchio: we were forced to come here
shrek: by who?
pig: lord farquaad. he huffed und he puffed und he… singed an eviction notice
shrek: [sighs] all right. who knows where this farquaad guy is?
[murmuring]
donkey: oh, i do. i know where he is
shrek: does anyone else know where to find him? anyone at all?
donkey: me! me!
shrek: anyone?
donkey: oh! oh, pick me! oh, i know! i know! me, me!
shrek: okay, fine. attention, all fairy tale things. do not get comfortable. your welcome is officially worn out. in fact, i’m gonna see this guy farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
[cheering]
[twittering]
[cheering continues]
shrek: oh! you! you’re comin’ with me
donkey: all right, that’s what i like to hear, man. shrek and donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big+city adventure. i love it! ♪ on the road again. ♪ sing it with me, shrek
dwarf: hey. oh, oh!
donkey: ♪ i can’t wait to get in the road again. ♪
shrek: what did i say about singing?
donkey: can i whistle?
shrek: no
donkey: can i hum it?
shrek: all right, hum it
♪♪ [humming]
[grunts]
[whimpering]
farquaad: that’s enough. he’s ready to talk
[coughing]
farquaad: [laughing] [clears throat] run, run, run, as fast as you can. you can’t catch me. i’m the gingerbread man!
gingy: you’re a monster
farquaad: i’m not the monster here. you are. you and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. now, tell me! where are the others?
gingy: eat me!
[grunts]
farquaad: i’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. now my patience has reached its end! tell me or i’ll++
gingy: no, no, not the b+ttons. not my gumdrop b+ttons
farquaad: all right then. who’s hiding them?
gingy: okay, i’ll tell you. do you know the m+ffin man?
farquaad: the m+ffin man?
gingy: the m+ffin man
farquaad: yes, i know the m+ffin man, who lives on drury lane?
gingy: well, she’s married to the m+ffin man
farquaad: the m+ffin man?
gingy: the m+ffin man!
farquaad: she’s married to the m+ffin man
[door opens]
captain of the guards: my lord! we found it
farquaad: then what are you waiting for? bring it in
[man grunting]
[gasping]
gingy: oh!
farquaad: magic mirror++
gingy: don’t tell him anything! no! [gingerbread man whimpers]
farquaad: evening. mirror, mirror, on the wall. is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?
mirror: well, technically you’re not a king
farquaad: uh, thelonius. you were saying?
mirror: what i mean is, you’re not a king yet. but you can become one. all you have to do is marry a princess
farquaad: go on
mirror: [chuckles] so, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. and here they are! bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut+in from a kingdom far, far away. she likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. please welcome cinderella. bachelorette number two is a cape+wearing girl from the land of fancy. although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. come on. give it up for snow white! and last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon+guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! but don’t let that cool you off. she’s a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. yours for the rescuing, princess fiona! so will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?
guards: two! two! three! three! two! two! three!
farquaad: three? one? [shudders] three?
thelonius: three! pick number three, my lord!
farquaad: okay, okay, uh, number three!
mirror: lord farquaad, you’ve chosen princess fiona
[♪ escape by rupert holmes playing]
rupert holmes: ♪ if you like piña coladas. and getting caught in the rain. ♪
farquaad: princess fiona
rupert holmes: ♪ if you’re not into yoga. ♪
farquaad: she’s perfect. all i have to do is just find someone who can go++
mirror: but i probably should mention the little thing that happens at night
farquaad: i’ll do it
mirror: yes, but after sunset
farquaad: silence! i will make this princess fiona my queen, and duloc will finally have the perfect king! captain, assemble your finest men. we’re going to have a tournament
donkey: but that’s it. that’s it right there. that’s duloc. i told ya i’d find it
shrek: so, that must be lord farquaad’s castle
donkey: uh+huh. that’s the place
shrek: do you think maybe he’s compensating for something? [laughs]
donkey: [groans] hey, wait. wait up, shrek
man: hurry, darling. we’re late. hurry
shrek: hey, you!
[screams]
shrek: wait a second. look, i’m not gonna eat ya. i just++ i just++
[whimpering]
[sighs]
[whimpering, groans]
[turnstile clatters]
[chuckles]
[sighs]
♪♪ [instrumental music]
shrek: it’s quiet. too quiet
[creaking]
shrek: where is everybody?
donkey: hey, look at this!
[clattering, whirring, cl!cking]
[cl!cking]
[cl!cking quickens]
clockwork chorus: ♪ welcome to duloc such a perfect town. here was have some rules, let us lay them down. don’t make waves, stay in line and we’ll get along fine, duloc is a perfect place. please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your… face. duloc is, duloc is, duloc is a perfect place! ♪
[camera shutter cl!cks]
[whirring]
donkey: wow! let’s do that again!
shrek: no. no. no, no, no! no
[trumpet fanfare]
[crowd cheering]
farquaad: brave knights. you are the best and brightest in all the land
[donkey humming]
farquaad: today one of you shall prove himself++
shrek: all right. you’re going the right way for a smacked bottom
donkey: sorry about that
[cheering]
farquaad: that champion shall have the honor++ no, no++ the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely princess fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. if for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner+up will take his place, and so on and so forth. some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice i am willing to make
[cheering]
farquaad: let the tournament begin!
[gasps]
knight 1: oh!
farquaad: what is that?
[gasping]
farquaad: it’s hideous!
shrek: ah, that’s not very nice. it’s just a donkey
donkey: huh?
farquaad: indeed. knights, new plan! the one who k!lls the ogre will be named champion! have at him!
knight 2: get him!
shrek: oh, hey! now come on! hang on now
woman: go ahead! get him!
shrek: can’t we just settle this over a pint?
knight 3: k!ll the beast!
shrek: no? all right then. come on!
[♪ bad reputation by halfc+cked playing]
halfc+cked: ♪ i don’t give a d+mn about my reputation. you’re living in the past, it’s a new generation. ♪
knight 4: d+mn!
[whinnying]
halfc+cked: ♪ a girl can do what she wants to do, and that’s what i’m gonna do. and i don’t give a d+mn about my bad reputation. oh, no, no, no, no, no. not me. me, me, me. ♪
donkey: hey, shrek, tag me! tag me!
halfc+cked: ♪ and i don’t give a d+mn about my reputation. never said i wanted to improve my station. ♪
shrek: ah! [laughs]
halfc+cked: ♪ and i’m always feelin’ good when i’m having fun. ♪
shrek: yeah!
halfc+cked: ♪ and i don’t have to please no one. ♪
wrestling fan: the chair! give him the chair!
halfc+cked: ♪ and i don’t give a d+mn about my reputation. oh, no, no, no, no, no. not me. me, me, me. oh, no, no, no, no. not me, not me. not me. ♪
[bell dings]
[cheering]
shrek: [laughs] oh, yeah! ah! ah! thank you! thank you very much! i’m here till thursday. try the veal! ha, ha!
[shrek laughs]
[crowd gasping, murmuring]
guard 9: shall i give the order, sir?
farquaad: no, i have a better idea. people of duloc, i give you our champion!
shrek: what?
farquaad: congratulations, ogre. you’ve won the honor of embarking on a great and n0ble quest
shrek: quest? i’m already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back
farquaad: your swamp?
shrek: yeah, my swamp! where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
[crowd murmuring]
farquaad: indeed. all right, ogre, i’ll make you a deal. go on this quest for me, and i’ll give you your swamp back
shrek: exactly the way it was?
farquaad: down to the last slime+covered toadstool
shrek: and the squatters?
farquaad: as good as gone
shrek: what kind of quest?
donkey: let me get this straight. you’re gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. is that about right?
shrek: you know what? maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk
donkey: i don’t get it, shrek. why don’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip
shrek: oh, i know what. maybe i could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. does that sound good to you?
donkey: uh, no, not really, no
shrek: for your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think
donkey: example?
shrek: example? okay, um, ogres are like onions
donkey: [sniffs] they stink?
shrek: yes++ no!
donkey: or they make you cry?
shrek: no!
donkey: oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs
shrek: no! layers! onions have layers. ogres have layers! onions have layers. you get it? we both have layers. [sighs]
donkey: oh, you both have layers. oh. [sniffs] you know, not everybody likes onions. cakes! everybody loves cakes! cakes have layers
shrek: i don’t care… what everyone likes. ogres are not like cakes
donkey: you know what else everybody likes? parfaits. have you ever met a person, you say, “hey, let’s get some parfait,” they say, “hey, no, i don’t like parfait”? parfaits are delicious
shrek: no! you dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! ogres are like onions! end of story. bye+bye. see ya later
donkey: parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole d+mn planet
shrek: you know, i think preferred your humming
donkey: do you have a tissue or something? i’m making a mess. just the word parfait makes me start slobbering
[♪ i’m on my way by the proclaimers playing]
the proclaimers: ♪ i’m on my way from misery to happiness today. uh+huh, uh+huh, uh+huh, uh+huh. i’m on my way from misery to happiness today. uh+huh, uh+huh, uh+huh, uh+huh. and everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day i wander, i’m on my way. i’m on my way. i’m on my way. ♪
donkey: ooh! shrek! did you do that? man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. my mouth was open and everything
shrek: believe me, donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. [sniffs] it’s brimstone. we must be getting close
donkey: yeah, right, brimstone. don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. i know what i smell. it wasn’t no brimstone. it didn’t come off no stone either
[rumbling]
shrek: sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location. [laughing]
donkey: uh, shrek? uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?
shrek: oh, aye
donkey: well, i have a bit of a confession to make. donkeys don’t have layers. we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves
shrek: wait a second. donkeys don’t have sleeves
donkey: you know what i mean
shrek: oh, you can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights
donkey: no, i’m just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!
shrek: come on, donkey. i’m right here beside ya, okay? for emotional support, we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time
donkey: really?
shrek: really, really
donkey: okay, that makes me feel so much better
shrek: just keep moving. and don’t look down
donkey: okay, don’t look down. don’t look down. don’t look down. keep on moving. don’t look down. [gasps] shrek! i’m lookin’ down! oh, god, i can’t do this! just let me off right now, please!
shrek: but you’re already halfway
donkey: yeah, but i know that half is safe!
shrek: okay, fine. i don’t have time for this. you go back
donkey: shrek, no! wait!
shrek: just, donkey++ come on. let’s have a dance then, shall we?
donkey: don’t do that!
shrek: oh, i’m sorry. do what? oh, this?
donkey: yes, that!
shrek: yes? yes, do it. okay
donkey: [screams] no, shrek! no! stop it!
shrek: you said do it! i’m doin’ it
donkey: i’m gonna die. i’m gonna die. shrek, i’m gonna die. oh!
shrek: that’ll do, donkey. that’ll do
donkey: cool. so where is this fire+breathing pain+in+the+neck anyway?
shrek: inside, waiting for us to rescue her
donkey: [chuckles] i was talkin’ about the dragon, shrek
[water dripping]
[wind howling]
donkey: [donkey whispering] you afraid?
shrek: no, but++ shh
donkey: oh, good. me neither. [gasps] ’cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. unfamiliar dangerous situation, i might add. with a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared, you know what i mean. i sure as heck ain’t no coward. i know that. [gasps]
shrek: donkey, two things, okay? shut… up. now go over there and see if you can find any stairs
donkey: stairs? i thought i was lookin’ for the princess
shrek: the princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower
donkey: what makes it you think she’ll be there?
shrek: i read it in a book once
donkey: cool. you handle the dragon. i’ll handle the stairs. i’ll find those stairs. i’ll whip their b+tt too. those stairs won’t know which way they’re goin’
[creaking]
donkey: i’m gonna take drastic steps. kick it to the curb. don’t mess with me. i’m the stair master. i’ve mastered the stairs. i wish i had a step right here, right here. i’d step all over it
shrek: well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the++?
donkey: dragon! [screams] [gasps]
[roars]
shrek: donkey, look out! [screams]
[screams]
[whimpering]
shrek: got ya!
[roars]
[gasps]
shrek: [shouts] whoa! whoa! whoa! [screaming]
donkey: [gasps] oh! aah! aah! [gasping]
[growls]
donkey: no. oh, no. no! [screams] oh, what large t++th you have
[growls]
donkey: i mean, i mean, white sparkling t++th. i know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, ’cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. and do i detect a hint of minty freshness? and you know what else? you’re++ you’re a girl dragon! oh, sure! i mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. ’cause, you’re just reeking a feminine beauty. what’s the matter with you? you got something in your eye? ooh. oh. oh. man, i’d really love to stay, but, you know, i’m, uh++ [coughs] i’m an asthmatic, and i don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. shrek! [gasps] [whimpering] no! shrek! shrek! shrek!
[groans, sighs]
♪♪ [chorus vocalizing]
♪♪ [vocalizing continues]
♪♪ [vocalizing continues]
fiona: oh! oh!
shrek in armor: wake up!
fiona: what?
shrek in armor: are you princess fiona?
fiona: i am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me
shrek in armor: oh, that’s nice. now let’s go!
fiona: but wait, sir knight. this be+ith our first meeting. should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
shrek in amror: yeah, sorry, lady. there’s no time
fiona: hey, wait. what are you doing? you know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed
shrek in armor: you’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?
fiona: mm+hmm. [screams, grunts] but we have to savor this moment! you could recite an epic poem for me. a ballad? a sonnet! a limerick? or something!
shrek in armor: i don’t think so
fiona: can i at least know the name of my champion?
shrek: um, shrek
fiona: sir shrek. [clears throat] i pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude
shrek in armor: thanks!
[roaring]
fiona: you didn’t slay the dragon?
shrek in armor: it’s on my to+do list. now, come on!
fiona: [screams] but this isn’t right! you’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! that’s what all the other knights did!
shrek in armor: yeah, right before they burst into flame!
(they pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims)
fiona: you know, that’s not the point! oh! wait. where are you going? the exit’s over there
shrek in armor: well, i have to save my ass
fiona: what kind of knight are you?
shrek in armor: one of a kind
donkey: slow down. slow down, baby, please. i believe it’s healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. just call me old+fashioned, you know. [laughs] i don’t to rush into a physical relationship. i’m not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this++ magnitude really is the word i’m looking for. magnitude++ hey, that is unwanted physical contact. hey, what are you doing? okay, okay. let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time. i mean, we really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. ’cause i’m the road a lot, but i just love receiving cards, and++ i’d really love to stay, but++ hey, hey, hey! don’t do that! that’s my tail! that’s my personal tail. you’re gonna tear it off. i don’t give permission to++ wait. what are you gonna do with that? hey, now. no way. no! no! no, no! no. no, no, no! no! oh!
[growls]
[roars]
[roaring]
[gasps]
donkey: hi, princess!
fiona: it talks!
shrek in armor: yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick!
donkey: shrek! [screams] [screaming]
shrek: oh!
[thuds]
[groans]
[shrek groans]
[roars]
[roars]
[roaring]
[roars]
shrek in armor: okay, you two! head for the exit! i’ll take care of the dragon. [echoing] run!
[gasping]
[screaming]
[screams]
[roars]
[panting, sighs]
[whimpers]
[roars]
[roars, whimpers]
[dragon growling in the distance]
fiona: you did it! you rescued me! you’re amazing. you’re++ you’re wonderful. you’re… a little unorthodox i’ll admit. but thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. i am eternally in your debt
[clears throat]
fiona: and where would be a brave knight be without his n0ble steed?
donkey: all right, i hope you heard that. she called me a n0ble steed. she think i’m a n0ble steed
fiona: [fiona laughs] the battle is won. you may remove your helmet, good sir knight
shrek in armor: uh, no
fiona: why not?
shrek: i have helmet hair
fiona: please. i would’st look upon the face of my rescuer
shrek in armor: no, no, you wouldn’t++ ‘st
fiona: but how will you kiss me?
shrek in amor: what? that job wasn’t in the job description
donkey: maybe it’s a perk
fiona: no, it’s destiny. oh, you must know how it goes. a princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss
donkey: hmm? with shrek? you think++ wait. wait. you think that shrek is your true love?
fiona: well, yes
[laughing]
[laughing]
donkey: you think shrek is your true love!
fiona: what is so funny?
shrek in armor: let’s just say i’m not your type, okay?
fiona: of course, you are. you’re my rescuer. now++ now remove your helmet
shrek in amror: look. i really don’t think this is a good idea
fiona: just take off the helmet
shrek in amror: i’m not going to
fiona: take it off
shrek in amror: no!
fiona: now!
shrek in armor: okay! easy. as you command, your highness
fiona: you++ you’re a++ an ogre
shrek: oh, you were expecting prince charming
fiona: well, yes, actually. oh, no. this is all wrong. you’re not supposed to be an ogre
shrek: princess, i was sent to rescue you by lord farquaad, okay? he’s the one who wants to marry you
fiona: well, then why didn’t he come to rescue me?
shrek: good question. you should ask him that when we get there
fiona: but i have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his++ his pet
donkey: so much for n0ble steed
shrek: look, princess. you’re not making my job any easier
fiona: well, i’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. you can tell lord farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, i’ll be waiting for him right here
shrek: hey! i’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? i’m a delivery boy
fiona: you wouldn’t dare. put me down!
shrek: ya comin’, donkey?
donkey: i’m right behind ya
fiona: put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! this is not dignified! put me down! [screams]
donkey: okay, so here’s another question. say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten?
fiona: you just tell her she’s not your true love. everyone knowest what happens when you rind your++ hey! [sighs] the sooner we get to duloc the better
donkey: oh, yeah. you’re gonna love it there, princess? it’s beautiful!
fiona: and what of my groom+to+be? lord farquaad? what’s he like?
shrek: well, let me put this way, princess. men of farquaad’s statue are in short supply. [laughs]
donkey: i don’t know, shrek. there are those who think little of him
[both laughing]
fiona: stop it. stop it, both of you. you know, you’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord farquaad
shrek: yeah, well, maybe you’re right, princess. but i’ll let you do the “measuring” when you see him tomorrow
fiona: tomorrow? it’ll take that long? shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
shrek: no, that’ll take longer. we can keep going
fiona: but there’s robbers in the woods
donkey: whoa! time out, shrek! camping’s starting to sound good
shrek: hey, come on. i’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest
fiona: i need to find somewhere to camp now!
[bird wings fluttering]
shrek: [grunting] hey! over here
donkey: shrek, we can do better than that. i don’t think this is fit for a princess
fiona: no, no, it’s perfect. it just needs a few homey touches
shrek: homey touches? like what?
[crashing]
fiona: a door? well, gentlemen, i bid thee good night
donkey: you want me to read you a bedtime story? i will
fiona: i said good night!
donkey: shrek, what are you doing?
shrek: [laughs] i just++ you know++ oh, come on. i was just kidding
[fire crackling]
shrek: and, uh, that one, that’s throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields
donkey: right. yeah. hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
shrek: the stars don’t tell the future, donkey. they tell stories. look, there’s bloodnut, the flatulent. you can guess what he’s famous for
donkey: i know you’re making this up
shrek: no, look. there he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench
donkey: man, that ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots
shrek: sometimes things are more than they appear. hmm? forget it
donkey: [sighs] hey, shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
shrek: our swamp?
donkey: you know, when we’re through rescuing the princess
shrek: we? donkey, there is no “we.” there’s no “our.” there’s just me and my swamp. the first thing i’m gonna do is build a ten+foot wall around my land
donkey: you cut me deep, shrek. you cut me real deep just now. you know what i think? i think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out
shrek: no, do ya think?
donkey: are you hidin’ something?
shrek: never mind, donkey
donkey: oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
shrek: no, this is one of those drop+it and leave+it+alone things
donkey: why don’t you want to talk about it?
shrek: why do you want to talk about it?
donkey: why are you blocking?
shrek: i’m not blocking
donkey: oh, yes, you are
shrek: donkey, i’m warning you
donkey: who you trying to keep out? just tell me about, shrek
shrek: everyone! okay?
donkey: oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere
shrek: oh! for the love of pete!
donkey: what’s your problem? what you got against the whole world?
shrek: look, i’m not the one with the problem, okay? it’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. people take one look at me and go, “aah! help! run! a big, stupid, ugly ogre!” [sighs] they judge me before they even know me. that’s why i’m better off alone
donkey: you know what? when we met, i didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre
shrek: yeah, i know
donkey: so, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
shrek: well, there’s, um, gabby, the small and annoying
donkey: okay, i see it now. the big shiny one, right there. that one there?
shrek: that’s the moon
donkey: oh, okay
♪♪ [orchestra]
♪♪ [dulcimer]
farquaad: again. show me again
[music stops, rewinds]
farquaad: mirror, mirror, show her to me. show me the princess
mirror: hmph
[rewinds, resumes]
farquaad: ah. perfect. [inhales]
[snoring]
♪♪ [vocalizing]
♪♪ [vocalizing continues]
♪♪ [whistling]
♪♪ [whistling continues]
♪♪ [vocalizes]
♪♪ [whistles]
♪♪ [vocalizes]
♪♪ [whistles]
♪♪ [vocalizing]
♪♪ [whistling]
♪♪ [vocalizing, high+pitched]
♪♪ [whistling, high+pitched]
♪♪ [continues]
[sizzling]
[sniffs, yawns]
shrek: mmm, yeah, you know i like it like that
donkey: come on, baby. i said i like it
shrek: donkey, wake up
donkey: huh? what?
shrek: wake up
donkey: what?
fiona: good morning. how do you like your eggs?
donkey: good morning, princess!
shrek: what’s all this about?
fiona: we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. i wanted to make it up to you. after all, you did rescue me
shrek: uh, thanks
[sniffs]
fiona: well, eat up. we’ve got a big day ahead of us
[belches]
donkey: shrek!
shrek: what? it’s a compliment. better out than in, i always say. [laughs]
donkey: well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess
[belches]
fiona: thanks
donkey: she’s as nasty as you are
shrek: [laughs] you know, you’re not exactly what i expected
fiona: maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them. [vocalizing]
monsieur hood: la liberte! hey!
shrek: princess!
[laughs]
fiona: what are you doing?
monsieur hood: be still, mon cherie, for i am your savior! and i am rescuing you from this green++ [kissing sounds] beast
shrek: hey! that’s my princess! go find your own!
monsieur hood: please, monsters! can’t you see i’m a little busy here?
fiona: look, pal, i don’t know who you think you are!
monsieur hood: oh! of course! oh, how rude. please let me introduce myself. oh, merry men! [laughs]
♪♪ [accordion]
merry men: ♪ ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ i steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪
man: ♪ he takes a wee percentage. ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ but i’m not greedy. i rescue pretty damsels. man, i’m good. ♪
merry men: ♪ what a guy, monsieur hood! ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ break it down. i like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪
merry men: ♪ what he’s basically saying is he likes to get++ ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ paid. ♪
merry men: ♪ so. ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that’s bad. ♪
merry men: ♪ that’s bad. ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ when a beauty’s with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪
merry men: ♪ he’s mad. he’s really, really mad. ♪
monsieur hood: ♪ i’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart. keep your eyes on me, boys ’cause i’m about to start! ♪
[grunts, groans]
[karate yell]
[merry men gasping]
fiona: [panting] man, that was annoying!
man: oh, you little++
[karate yell]
♪♪ [accordion]
[shouting, groaning]
[groaning]
fiona: [chuckles] um, shall we?
shrek: hold the phone
[grunts]
shrek: oh! whoa, whoa, whoa. hold on now. where did that come from?
fiona: what?
shrek: that! back there. that was amazing! where did you learn that?
fiona: well++ [chuckles] when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a++ there’s an arrow in your b+tt!
shrek: what? oh, would you look at that?
fiona: oh, no. this is all my fault. i’m so sorry
donkey: why? what’s wrong?
fiona: shrek’s hurt
donkey: shrek’s hurt. shrek’s hurt? oh, no, shrek’s gonna die
shrek: donkey, i’m okay
donkey: oh, you can’t do this to me. i’m too young for you to die. keep your legs elevated. turn your head and cough. does anyone know the heimlich?
fiona: donkey! calm down. if you want to help shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red th+rns
donkey: blue flower, red th+rns. okay. i’m on it. blue flower, red th+rns. blue flower, red th+rns. don’t die, shrek. if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
both: donkey!
donkey: oh, yeah. right. blue flower, red th+rns. blue flower, red th+rns
shrek: what are the flowers for?
fiona: for getting rid of donkey
shrek: ah
fiona: now you hold still, and i’ll yank this thing out
shrek: ow! hey! easy with the yankin’
fiona: i’m sorry, but it has to come out
shrek: no, it’s tender. now, hold on. what you’re doing is the opposite of help
fiona: don’t move
shrek: look, time out
fiona: would you++ [grunts] okay. what do you propose we do?
donkey: blue flower, red th+rns. blue flower, red th+rns. blue flower, red th+rns. this would be so much easier if i wasn’t color+blind! blue flower, red th+rns
shrek: ow!
donkey: hold on, shrek! i’m comin’!
shrek: ow! not good
fiona: okay. okay, i can nearly see the head
[grunts]
fiona: it’s just about++
shrek: ow! ohh!
donkey: ahem
shrek: nothing happened. we were just, uh++
donkey: look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay
shrek: oh, come on! that’s the last thing on my mind! the princess here was just++ ugh! ow!
donkey: hey, what’s that? [nervous chuckle] that’s++ is that blood? [sighs]
[bird chirping]
[♪ my beloved monster by eels playing]
[grunts]
eels: ♪ my beloved monster and me. we go everywhere together. wearin’ a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪
donkey: aah!
eels: ♪ she will always be the only thing. that comes between me and the awful sting. that comes from living in the world that’s so d+mn mean. ♪
[croaks]
eels: ♪ oh, oh+oh+oh+oh. ♪
fiona: hey!
eels: ♪ la+la, la+la, la+la+la+la. ♪
[both laughing]
eels: la+la, la+la, la+la
shrek: there it is, princess. your future awaits you
fiona: that’s duloc?
donkey: yeah, i know. you know, shrek thinks lord farquaad’s compensating for something, which i think means he has a really++ ow!
shrek: um, i, uh++ i guess we better move one
fiona: sure. but, shrek? i’m++ i’m worried about donkey
[blubbering]
shrek: what?
fiona: i mean, look at him. he doesn’t look so good
donkey: what are you talking about? i’m fine
fiona: that’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on your back. dead
shrek: you know, she’s right. you look awful. do you want to sit down?
fiona: i’ll make you some tea
donkey: i didn’t want to say nothin’, but i got this twinge in my neck, and when i turn my head like this, look. [bones crunch] ow! see?
shrek: who’s hungry? i’ll find us some dinner
fiona: i’ll get the firewood
donkey: hey, where you goin’? oh, man, i can’t feel my toes! i don’t have any toes! i think i need a hug
fiona: mmm. mmm. this is good. this is really good. what is this?
shrek: uh, weedrat. rotisserie style
fiona: no kidding
shrek: well, this is delicious. well, they’re also great in stews. now, i don’t mean to brag, but i make a mean weedrat stew. [chuckling]
donkey: [sighs] i guess i’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night
shrek: [gulps] maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. i’ll cook all kinds of stuff for you. swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare++ you name it
fiona: [chuckles] i’d like that
[slurps, laughs]
donkey: ♪ see the pyramids along the nile. ♪
shrek: um, princess?
donkey: ♪ watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪
fiona: yes, shrek?
shrek: i, um, i was wondering
donkey: ♪ just remember, darling all the while. ♪
shrek: are you++
donkey: you belong to me
shrek: [sighs] are you gonna eat that?
[chuckles]
donkey: man, isn’t this romantic? just look at that sunset
fiona: sunset? oh, no! i mean, it’s late. i+it’s very late
shrek: what?
donkey: wait a minute. i see what’s goin’ on here. you’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
fiona: yes! yes, that’s it. i’m terrified. you know, i’d better go inside
donkey: don’t feel bad, princess. i used to be afraid of the dark, too, until++ hey, no, wait. i’m still afraid of the dark
[shrek sighs]
fiona: good night
shrek: good night
[door creaks]
donkey: ohh! now i really see what’s goin’ on here
shrek: oh, what are you talkin’ about?
donkey: i don’t even wanna hear it. look, i’m an animal, and i got instincts. i know two were diggin’ in each other. i could feel it
shrek: you’re crazy. i’m just bringing her back to farquaad
donkey: oh, come on, shrek. wake up and smell the pheromones. just go on in and tell her how you feel
shrek: i++ there’s nothing to tell. besides, even if i did tell her that, well, you know++ and i’m not sayin’ i do ’cause i don’t++ she’s a princess, and i’m++
donkey: an ogre?
shrek: yeah. an ogre
donkey: hey, where you goin’?
shrek: to get… more firewood. [sighs]
donkey: princess? princess fiona? princess, where are you?
[wings fluttering]
donkey: princess?
[creaking]
donkey: [gasps] it’s very spooky in here. i ain’t playing no games
[screams]
donkey: aah!
fiona: oh, no!
donkey: no, help!
fiona: shh!
donkey: shrek! shrek! shrek!
fiona: no, it’s okay. it’s okay
donkey: what did you do with the princess?
fiona: donkey, i’m the princess
donkey: aah!
fiona: it’s me, in this body
donkey: oh, my god! you ate the princess! can you hear me?
fiona: donkey!
donkey: listen, keep breathing! i’ll get you out of there!
fiona: no!
donkey: shrek! shrek! shrek!
fiona: shh
donkey: shrek!
fiona: this is me
donkey: [m+ffled mumbling] princess? what happened to you? you’re, uh, uh, uh, different
fiona i’m ugly, okay?
donkey: well, yeah! was it something you ate? ’cause i told shrek those rats was a bad idea. you are what you eat, i said. now++
fiona: no. i++ i’ve been this way as long as i can remember
donkey: what do you mean? look, i ain’t never seen you like this before
fiona: it only happens when the sun goes down. “by night one way, by day another. this shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss, and then take love’s true form.”
donkey: ah, that’s beautiful. i didn’t know you wrote poetry
fiona: it’s a spell. [sighs] when i was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. every night i become this. this horrible, ugly beast! i was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. that’s why i have to marry lord farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [sobs]
donkey: all right, all right. calm down. look, it’s not that bad. you’re not that ugly. well, i ain’t gonna lie. you are ugly. but you only look like this at night. shrek’s ugly 24+7
fiona: but, donkey, i’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look
donkey: princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry farquaad?
fiona: i have to. only my true love’s kiss can break the spell
donkey: but, you know, um, you’re kind of an ogre, and shrek++ well, you got a lot in common
fiona: shrek?
shrek: princess, i++ uh, how’s going, first of all? good? um, good for me too. i’m okay. i saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and++ well, i don’t really like it, but i thought you might like it ’cause you’re pretty. but i like you anyway. i’d++ uh, uh++ [sighs] i’m in trouble. okay, here we go
fiona: i can’t just marry whoever i want. take a good look at me, donkey. i mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? “princess” and “ugly” don’t go together. that’s why i can’t stay here with shrek. my only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love
[deep sigh]
fiona: don’t you see, donkey? that’s just how it has to be. it’s the only way to break the spell
donkey: you at least gotta tell shrek the truth
fiona: no! you can’t breathe a word. no one must ever know
donkey: what’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
fiona: promise you won’t tell. promise!
donkey: all right, all right. i won’t tell him. but you should. i just know before this is over, i’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. look at my eye twitchin’
[door opens]
[snoring]
fiona: i tell him, i tell him not. i tell him, i tell him not. i tell him. shrek! shrek, there’s something i want++
[snoring]
fiona: shrek. are you all right?
shrek: perfect! never been better
fiona: i++ i don’t++ there’s something i have to tell you
shrek: you don’t have to tell me anything, princess. i heard enough last night
fiona: you heard what i said?
shrek: every word
fiona: i thought you’d understand
shrek: oh, i understand. like you said, “who could love a hideous, ugly beast?”
fiona: but i thought that wouldn’t matter to you
shrek: yeah? well, it does
[gasps, sighs]
shrek: ah, right on time
[horse whinnies]
shrek: princess, i’ve brought you a little something
♪♪ [fanfare]
donkey: [yawns] what’d i miss? what’d i miss? [m+ffled] who said that? couldn’t have been a donkey
farquaad: princess fiona
shrek: as promised. now hand it over
farquaad: very well, ogre. the deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. take it and go before i change my mind. forgive me, princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for i have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. i am lord farquaad
fiona: lord farquaad? oh, no, no
[snaps fingers]
fiona: forgive me, my lord, for i was just saying, a short, farewell
farquaad: that’s so sweet. you don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. it’s not like it has feelings
fiona: no, you’re right. it doesn’t
farquaad: princess fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless fiona. i ask your hand in marriage
[gasps]
farquaad: will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
fiona: lord farquaad, i accept. nothing would make
farquaad: excellent! i’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
fiona: no! i mean, uh, why wait? let’s get married today before the sun sets
farquaad: oh, anxious, are we? you’re right. the sooner, the better. there’s so much to do! there’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. captain, round up some guests!
fiona: fare+thee+well, ogre
donkey: shrek, what are you doing? you’re letting her get away
shrek: yeah? so what?
donkey: shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. look, i talked to her last night. she’s++
shrek: i know you talked to her last night. you’re great pals, aren’t ya? now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
donkey: shrek, i++ i wanna go with you
shrek: i told you, didn’t i? you’re not coming home with me. i live alone! my swamp! me! n0body else! understand? n0body! especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
donkey: but i thought++
shrek: yeah. you know what? you thought wrong!
donkey: shrek
[♪ hallelujah by john cale playing]
john cale: ♪ i heard there was a secret chord, that david played, and it pleased the lord. but you don’t really care for music, do ya? it goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. the baffled king composing hallelujah. hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. baby, i’ve been here before, i know this room i’ve walked this floor, i used to live alone before i knew you. i’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. it’s a cold and it’s broken hallelujah. hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. and all i ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪
[moaning]
john cale: ♪ and it’s not a cry you can hear at night, it’s not somebody who’s seen the light. it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah. ♪
[moaning]
john cale: ♪ hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
[thumping sound]
shrek: donkey?
[grunts]
shrek: what are you doing?
donkey: i would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one
shrek: well, yeah. but the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it
donkey: it is around your half. see, that’s your half, and this is my half
shrek: oh! your half. hmm
donkey: yes, my half. i helped rescue the princess. i did half the work, i get half the booty. now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head
shrek: back off!
donkey: no, you back off
shrek: this is my swamp!
donkey: our swamp
shrek: let go, donkey!
donkey: you let go
shrek: stubborn jackass!
donkey: smelly ogre
shrek: fine!
donkey: hey, come back here. i’m not through with you yet
shrek: well, i’m through with you
donkey: uh+uh. you know, with you it’s always, “me, me, me!” well, guess what! now it’s my turn! so you just shut up and pay attention! you are mean to me. you insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that i do! you’re always pushing me around or pushing me away
shrek: oh, yeah? well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back?
donkey: because that’s what friends do! they forgive each other!
shrek: oh, yeah. you’re right, donkey. i forgive you, for stabbin’ me in the back!
donkey: ohh! you’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings
shrek: go away!
donkey: there you are, doing it again just like you did to fiona. all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you
shrek: love me? she said i was ugly, a hideous creature. i heard the two of you talking
donkey: she wasn’t talkin’ about you. she was talkin’ about, uh, somebody else
shrek: she wasn’t talking about me? well, then who was she talking about?
donkey: uh+uh, no way. i ain’t saying anything. you don’t wanna listen to me. right? right?
shrek: donkey!
donkey: no!
shrek: okay, look. i’m sorry, all right?
donkey: hmph
shrek: [sighs] i’m sorry. i guess i am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. can you forgive me?
donkey: hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
shrek: right. friends?
donkey: friends
shrek: so, um, what did fiona say about me?
donkey: what are you asking me for? why don’t you just go ask her?
shrek: the wedding! we’ll never make it in time
donkey: ha+ha+ha! never fear, for where there’s a will, there’s a way, and i have a way. [whistles]
shrek: donkey?
[donkey laughing]
donkey: i guess it’s just an animal magnetism
shrek: [laughing] aw, come here, you
donkey: all right, all right. don’t get all slobbery. no one likes a kiss ass. all right, hop on and hold on tight. i haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [donkey laughing] whoo!
[bells tolling]
[all gasping]
bishop: people of duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union…
fiona: um++ of our new king++
bishop: excuse me
fiona: could we just skip ahead to the “i do’s”?
farquaad: [chuckling] go on
donkey: go ahead, have some fun. if we need you, i’ll whistle. how about that? shrek, wait, wait! wait a minute! you wanna do this right, don’t you?
shrek: what are you talking about?
donkey: there’s a line you gotta wait for. the preacher’s gonna say, “speak now or forever hold your peace.” that’s when you say, “i object!”
shrek: i don’t have time for this!
donkey: wait. what are you doing? listen to me! look, you love this woman, don’t you?
shrek: yes
donkey: you wanna hold her?
shrek: yes
donkey: please her?
shrek: yes!
donkey: ♪ then you got to, got to try a little tenderness! ♪ the chicks love that romantic cr+p!
shrek: all right! cut it out. when does this guy say the line?
donkey: we gotta check it out
[donkey grunting]
bishop: and so, by the power vested in me…
shrek: what do you see?
donkey: the whole town’s in there
bishop: …i now pr+nounce you husband and wife…
donkey: they’re at the altar
bishop: …king and queen
donkey: mother fletcher! he already said it
shrek: oh, for the love of pete!
[grunts]
shrek: i object!
fiona: shrek?
[gasps]
farquaad: oh, now what does he want?
[crowd clamoring]
shrek: hi, everyone. havin’ a good time, are ya? i love duloc, first of all. very clean
fiona: what are you doing here?
farquaad: really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding++
shrek: fiona! i need to talk to you
fiona: oh, now you wanna talk? it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me++
shrek: but you can’t marry him
fiona: and why not?
shrek: because++ because he’s just marrying you so he can be king
farquaad: outrageous! fiona, don’t listen to him
shrek: he’s not your true love
fiona: and what do you know about true love?
shrek: well, i++ uh++ i mean++
farquaad: oh, this is precious. [chuckling] the ogre has fallen in love with the princess! oh, good lord
[crowd laughing]
farquaad: an ogre and a princess! [laughing continues]
fiona: shrek, is this true?
farquaad: who cares? it’s preposterous! fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away from our “happily ever after.” now kiss me! mmmm!
fiona: “by night one way, by day another.” i wanted to show you before
[whimpers]
[crowd gasping]
shrek: well, uh, that explains a lot
farquaad: ugh! it’s disgusting! guards! guards! i order you to get that out of my sight now! get them! get them both!
fiona: no, no! shrek!
farquaad: this hocus+pocus alters nothing. this marriage is binding, and that makes me king! see? see?
fiona: no, let go of me, shrek!
shrek: no!
farquaad: don’t just stand there, you morons
shrek: get out of my way! fiona! arrgh!
farquaad: i’ll make you regret the day we met. i’ll see you drawn and quartered! you’ll beg for death to save you!
fiona: no! shrek!
farquaad: and as for you, my wife
shrek: fiona!
farquaad: i’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! i am king!
[whistles]
farquaad: i will have order! i will have perfection! i will have++ aaah! aah!
donkey: all right. n0body move. i got a dragon here, and i’m not afraid to use it
[dragon roars]
donkey: i’m a donkey on the edge!
[belches]
donkey: [donkey laughs] celebrity marriages. they never last, do they?
[cheering]
donkey: go ahead, shrek
shrek: uh, fiona?
fiona: yes, shrek?
shrek: i++ i love you
fiona: really?
shrek: really, really
fiona: i love you too
all: aawww!
fiona: “until you find true love’s first kiss, and then take love’s true form.” [echoing] [echoing continues] “take love’s true from. take love’s true form.”
shrek: fiona? fiona. are you all right?
fiona: well, yes. but i don’t understand. i’m supposed to be beautiful
shrek: but you are beautiful
[chuckles]
donkey: i was hoping would be a happy ending
[♪ i’m a believer by smash mouth playing]
steve harwell: ♪ i thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪
all: oy!
steve harwell: ♪ meant for someone else but not for me. love was out to get me, that’s the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. and then i saw her face. now i’m a believer. and not a trace. of doubt in my mind. i’m in love. ♪
choir: ♪ ohh+ahh. ♪
steve harwell: ♪ i’m a believer i couldn’t leaver her if i tried. ♪
gingy: god bless us, every one
donkey: come on, y’all! ♪ then i saw her face. ♪ ha+ha! ♪ now i’m a believer. ♪ listen! not a trace. ♪ of doubt in my mind. i’m in love. ooh+ahh. i’m a believer i couldn’t leave her if i tried. ♪
mice: ooh! uh!
donkey: ♪ then i saw her face! now i’m a believer! hey! not a trace. uhh! yeah. of doubt in my mind. one more time! i’m in love. i’m a believer. come on! i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, i believe, hey! y’all sing it with me! i believe! i believe! people in the back! i believe! ♪
smash mouth: ♪ i’m a believer. ♪
donkey: ♪ i believe. i believe. i believe! ♪ [hysterical laughing] oh, that’s funny. oh. oh. i can’t breathe. i can’t breathe
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